Sexually Transmitted Diseases for Genoa City's Finest

It takes a newcomer with a bad attitude to really put Genoa City's Finest (GCF) in their place, as seen with long lost sibling to Victoria and Nick, Adam Wilson, and now with long lost sibling to Micheal, Eden Baldwin. After spending some time with Eden this week, we realized that her name is not a reference to the Utopian part of the garden of Eden of Biblical lore, but rather to the post- bitten- apple- fall- of- mankind- part of the garden. You know, when everything basically went to shit. It is hard for us to believe that this high strung, angry and aggressive little number grew up in an ashram, as her behaviour is anathema to all things associated with a karmic upbringing. The biggest crime of all though - and much bigger than her father's own murderous crimes - is her glaring inability to act, making Esther look like Meryl Streep in comparison. We have been able to see the forest though the trees with our dear Eden though, and give her much props for telling Noah off and for having a bad attitude towards GCF in general. And thus to Noah:

“Listen , I’m not going to be living in this loser town for very long. I’m not going to your loser school. But even if I were staying in this loser town and going to that loser school, I sure as hell wouldn’t be seen with a loser like you. Got it."

Atta girl. Who cares if she can't act?

Admittedly, Eden's temper tantrums were about exciting as it got this week, even though Victor collapsed and was admitted to the hospital (again), was committed (again), and has subsequently disappeared (again). Except or a few moments when he wailed Sabrina's name and held onto the Kinder Surprise-esque egg that Sabrina had purchased for Victor's art collection, it was all really old hat.

In more exciting news though, a diagnosis for Heather's collapse finally came in: herpes. This is exactly what is needed to breathe some life into Genoa City: a good old fashion venereal disease epidemic. We can only hope for syphilis.

Insane in the membrane. Insane in the brain.

Rappers Cypress Hill would be more convincing proving their sanity than Victor Newman did this week. We question Victor's choice of words as he attempts to prove that he is mentally fit to an admitting psychiatrist:

Victor: '“I'm fine, I want to get the hell out of there...you got it?"

Psychiatrist: "Your family is concerned about you"

Victor: "As well they should be..and I’m telling you what I told them: I don’t really give a damn how concerned they are, or how concerned you are...I want to be left alone."

Is this wise? Are these words you would use when trying to prove that you aren’t @%$* crazy?

CC.
Bursting with imagination, Uncle Billy's "pet name" for Colleen, CC, is confounding. We assume it stands for Colleen Carlton, but we can never be sure with GCF, so we came up with some other possibilities :

Can Can : when it comes to taking off her clothes, this is Colleen's mantra.
Carbon Copy: as in copying her best friend by sleeping with said friend's ex-husband, and scooping up her friend's job after said friend reluctantly resigns.
CCs. As in 10CCs of restylane to create her puffed out pout.
Cheap Champagne. Her only excuse for her behavior.
Consummate Callgirl: They way her career paths seems to be shaping up for her.

Questions of the week.
1. Did we see things clearly, or was Jack really talking (out loud!) to his father's ghost in a bar in New York City?

Genoa City Opens Its First Gay Bar

"Willing Suspension of Disbelief" is a theory that refers to the willingness of a person to accept as true the premises of a work of fiction, even if they are fantastic or impossible. According to the theory, the audience agrees to provisionally suspend their judgment in exchange for the promise of entertainment.

Ok. A bit of a mouthful yes, but nevertheless, we believe worthy of discussion, if not for the blatant overuse of this principle on the Young and the Restless. And thus, as an audience we are expected to accept that: Billy Abbot is in fact the mysterious Liam that Amber has been dating; that Chloe is Kate Valentine, Esther's daughter; that it was a "coincidence" that River Baldwin, Micheal's long lost father, just happened to be the guru at the ashram where Jana and Kevin got married; that Noah aged 5 years in a matter of 2 months; that Jill turned out to be the daughter of lifelong hated rival Katherine Chancellor; that Lily is "cool" about her best friend sleeping with her ex-husband; that Sheila Carter's Brazilian plastic surgeon could make her look EXACTLY like resident half-man half-beast, Phyllis Newman; that the Newman Ranch is the epitome of luxury and opulence; and the most demanding of all premises: that Danny Romalati actually has talent as a singer.

Frankly we are exhausted. Are we really expected to believe all of this crap? This suspension of our disbelief is supposed to be rewarded with entertainment. So where is it, people? Neil Winter's manties (genital hugging underwear), worn during a sex scene with Karen? Is this the entertainment we were promised? Jack talking to his dead father's ghost for the millionth time? . Any scene that involves Devon? We've lived up to our end of the deal, so it's time for some serious entertainment in return. We the people demand it.

Don't quit your day job.
Based on a "pep" talk given to a down-in-the-dumps Jack this week, it is clear that Sharon should avoid a career in personal coaching at all costs. Case in point:

Sharon to Jack:
"One of the many things I have admired about you is your ability to move on : Jabot, MVP, The Senate, The Casino and now the Magazine".

Translation: "After a string of failures, you still manage somehow to pick up the pieces. Let me name those failures in an itemized list to make you feel like even more shit than you already do".

From the deepest desires often come the deadliest hate.
Socrates said that. Following this logic then, the hate spewing Kevin and Jeffrey towards Billy and River respectively, would say that they in fact feel great desire for these two men. And thus their words of desire:

Kevin (on Billy) :

"I friggin' hate that guy."

or

"He's a self-absorbed loser"

or quite simply:

"The guy sucks"

By no means as eloquent as Socrates, but nevertheless Kevin has made his (homoerotic) point.

Jeffrey throws in his two cents worth of hate with a comment made after finding a pair of ballet slippers in River's backpack:

"If that doesn't say weirdo creep, I don't know what does".

It's time that Genoa City acquire its first gay bar where Genoa City's Finest can work out their issues like real men.

Favourite moment.
When Karen beat the shit out of Neil at a self-defense demonstration.

Line of the week.
Daniel's comment to the new Billy Abbott played by a completely different actor:

"You look so different"

Questions of the week.
1. Is it just a coincidence that Daniel's art consists solely of his past lays given his ongoing struggle with a porn addiction?
2. Is Victor's reclusive behaviour taking a cue from famous recluse, Howard Hughes? If so, what's next for Victor? Obsessing over peas and their size, and only eating them with a knife? How about picking up things with tissues as to avoid germs and only reading from books that have been laminated?
3. Is Phyllis' description of Nikki as a smart business woman with a good fashion sense (resulting in hiring her as the editor-in-chief at Restless Style) not a perfect case of the blind leading the blind?

Genoa City: A Place Where Imaginary Friends Are Better Friends Than Real Friends

Everyone in Amber's circle seems to be aware that her boyfriend, Liam, is a mere figment of her imagination, showing little concern that as an an adult, she has her very own imaginary friend. Daniel finds it "sorta cute, and flattering" and Kevin, nothing short of hysterical. Jana seems to be the only one who looks at the situation with any seriousness, albeit, showing more pity than concern. We here at It Never Ends, find it quite concerning and believe that the argument for having Amber committed is becoming more and more convincing (if for no other reason then for her fashion sense). Imaginary friends in adulthood are rare, and according to News in Science may "signal a very serious psychological disorder". We believe that Amber should use her special powers for good, ditch imaginary deadbeat boyfriend for imaginary designer friend who actually has talent and can design Amber out of the fashion mess she has cornered herself into.

Nuts for Pee-Nuts.
With Brad's recent unemployment he now has the luxury of devoting more time to his favourite pastimes: working out, scheming, and eating the Athletic Club's complimentary urine-soaked nuts (*). At first, his quest for these particular nuts could only be found at said Athletic Club, but now with even more time on his hands, he has extended his sphere to include the Coffee house as well (coffee and nuts, always a winning formula, and trust Crimson Lights to lead the way...)

*It has been stated that 80% of all free bar nuts are have traces of feces and urine.

Colleen.
Jesus.
Desperate and arrogant. What a combination. The fact that she is sleeping with her best friend's ex-husband is a perennial afterthought for her, and Lily's acceptance of this is even worse. These people are truly confounding. And gross. And despicable.

We believe Lily should take a cue from Amber, ditch Colleen, and create a custom made imaginary friend. She'd be much better off.

Lily and Cane say good bye...again.
Yawn. Good-bye I guess until they run into each other 4-5 times a day at Jabot, The Athletic Club, Indigo, and Crimson Lights. Farewell, Sharewell, we say.

Dialogue of the week.
Victoria to her mother: "I have to say, I was really good in Dubai, and I had their respect...I know I can do a spectacular job."

Good at what, exactly?

So much for humility.

Questions of the week.
1. Jack's deep connection to his father (as shown by his perpetual whining about him being gone along with conversations with his ghost) indicates the importance of having a father for him. Given this logic then, why doesn't Jack give a flying-you-know-what about his neglected son, Kyle?
2. John's ghost's visit this week, got us thinking: Is it possible to have cosmetic surgery in the after world? If so, who would do the work? The ghosts of plastic surgeons past? And finally, do they have acting lessons in the after world? Please, please, say yes.
3. At what age should it be mandatory to wear a bra whenever you are in public? Phyllis?
4. How is it that Kevin, the alleged Director of Internet Affairs for Jabot, can claim to the SEC (with a straight face no less) that he didn't keep hard-copy backup of his files?
5. Is now deceased mobster, Walter Palin, related to Republican vice-presidential nominee, Sarah Palin?And if so, does this mean that Sarah Palin has connections to the mob as well?
6. What ever happened to Sharon's wheelchair bound mother? Living alone somewhere on social assistance without the support of her daughter now married to a man worth millions?

All Work and No Play, Makes Victor a Dull Boy. All Work and No Play Makes Victor a Dull Boy...

Victor Newman proves once again what an emotional infant he is, indulging in one big temper tantrum lasting weeks, and spanning an entire continent. When Nikki finds him in a dilapidated shack on a Mexican beach in a pile of his own filth (with surprisingly practical footwear), he turns on Nikki, channeling his best Jack Nicholson in The Shining, and decimates her fragile eggshell ego with, "our love is a sick love: a love that must die", leaving her grief-stricken (and extremely hungover) in a collapsed heap on the beach. He proceeds to storm off swearing that he will never again return to Genoa City. This proclamation is short lived, however, since hours later, he ends up back in said city replacing his Jack Nicholson- inspired performance with a Marlon Brandon-inspired performance a la Godfather (minus the cotton balls in his cheeks). Holed up in his study with Michael Baldwin as his "adviser"(think Robert Duvall as Vito Corleone's attorney), he instructs Michael as to whom he will see and when, all the while displaying minimal emotional affect with maximum destructive results. Hence, he fires his son, Adam, and banishes him from the Ranch. Likewise, he coldly asks Victoria and Nick to "leave him alone", and fires his entire staff without any kind of severance package or holiday pay. His perennial puerile actions make us question our "love" for him and for the show in general: perhaps this too is a "sick love" , one that must die?

Get thee to a boarding school.
A theme we have explored ad nauseum, is that of child neglect (or rather, child forget), a syndrome that runs rampant among Genoa City's Finest (GCF). As demonstrated this week, this neglect is not relegated solely to the wealthy, whose lives are too full of scheming, cheating, and dining on mediocre food at the Athletic Club to care for one's child; Esther, the lowly maid, is just as guilty as the rest. Her psychopathic daughter, Chloe/Kate is one f'ed up cookie as years of child neglect is oft to do. Boarding school from the ripe young age of 5 (thanks to Mrs. C) in a country that your mother can't locate on the map (Switzerland), is a recipe for disaster indeed. It serves Esther right that her own child is now ordering her to wait on her hand and foot, which Esther does willingly. We reckon this is what happens when your brain is the size of a walnut. And, oh yeah, the father of your child is a plumber named "Tiny".

Dude looks like a lady. For real.
When Sharon agrees to allow Noah to go to public school (shirking his duties as a trustafarian), he excitedly refers to her as "dude". Not surprisingly, his mother was none too thrilled about this designation and urged him not to refer to her as a dude again (or was it "dud"?) . In our view Noah's sobriquet for his mother is not too far fetched given that Sharon is looking more and more like a dude with each passing day thanks to a "high-class" mullet that just won't go away. You know, a mullet: short in the front, long in the back. And thus, dude from the front, broad from the back.

New Drinking Game.
As drinking seems to be the only way for one to get through a full episode of Y&R these days, we have been thoughtfully compiling a list of of suggestions for drinking games. Past suggestions have had the participant take a drink every time:
1. Phyllis punctuates a sentence with, "definitely, yeah, definitely..."
2. Someone dramatically slams shut their flip phone (thankfully the unflippable Blackberry phone is making it's way onto the show)
3. A comatose Victoria's monitor would go off signaling imminent death.
4. etc....

And now for this week's addition. Take a drink every time:
Someone proclaims (for either Jabot or Newman): "I'm the new CEO".

Questions of the week.
1. How do the local Mexicans feel when Nikki refers to where they live as "some godforsaken strip of beach"? We think it none too wise for a rich, solo, drunk gringa to be mouthing off as such.
2. Who in their right mind would let their young daughter go alone to serve food to some hot-tempered, disheveled, on-the-run gringo living in a run-down shack on the beach, as was the case of the young girl who would bring Victor scraps of food?
3. Is Adam so socially challenged that he can't comprehend how Neil could take being fired by him personally?
4. Is Jack's obsession with Victor bordering on homoerotic?

Genoa City: A Town Where Bad Breath Can Get You Fired

Heavily influenced by the management style of Catholic monarchs Ferdinand and Isabella of Spanish Inquisition fame, Adam demonstrates a fresh new approach to running Newman Enterprises. For as little as having bad breath, Adam accuses, denounces, condemns and ultimately burns whomever crosses him at the proverbial stake, or for those who prefer less dramatic terms, fires them. We find his approach refreshing, as nothing has been as rewarding as seeing the likes of Neil's ass being fired, along with Victoria's much bonier version of the aforementioned body part. We are praying for J.T. to get the axe as well, with hopes that once he is out of Newman and out of a suit, his frontal lobotomy will miraculously disappear.

The meek shall not inherit the earth.
The Newmans are anything but meek, which would make one think they would not be candidates for inheriting the earth. Wrong. Inheriting Victor Newman's estate, in our esteem, would qualify as inheriting the earth, and as none of the Newmans exhibit any of the characteristics of being meek (such as showing patience, humility and gentleness) this adage is clearly false. It got us thinking though...what is the opposite of meek then, as clearly that is what the Newmans are? The answer? Asshole.

And thus, Victor endows Adam with everything Newman, and "punishes" Victoria by leaving her his multi-million dollar art collection and Nicholas the building where Restless Style is housed. Victoria's inheritance hardly seems a punishment considering Sabrina's recent acquisitions for the Newman collection ran in the millions. A relief for Victoria indeed since she is now unemployed and is forced to live off of J.T's security guard salary. Our advice to Victoria: as tempting as it may be to leave the dead shark's bloody head of the Damien Hirst's piece in Adam's bed, sell it fast. With your standard of living, you will need the cash. Nicholas, on the other hand, got the short end of the stick given that he inherited a building in a Midwestern town where real estate is as cheap as...well...real estate in a Midwestern town. We reckon there is always their trust funds, whatever that may amount to. God forbid any of us would want Genoa City's Finest (GCF) to be penniless, struggling to meet basic needs such as putting food on the table and a roof over their heads. Far from it. Having achieved a higher level on Maslow's hierarchy of needs, they can get to the business at hand of unnecessarily complicating their lives: a far more entertaining prospect indeed.

What's in a name.
So we learned the etymology of the great man's name this week, and it is not pretty. Victor is because he will always win, you know, he is the "victor". And Newman is because he reinvented himself after having grown up in an orphanage (if we have to hear one more time about that damn orphanage...you got that???), so he became a NEW MAN. Get it? Wow. Clever. And ridiculous. And oh yeah, idiotic too.

Questions of the week.
1. What exactly does Paul have in his briefcase? A mini bar? A collection of tanning creams? Cocaine? We have belabored this point to death, but Paul's briefcase is probably one of the more interesting and enigmatic characters on the show: shiny, metallic, and well, distracting. Did Paul choose this briefcase because it is distracting? Given this logic then, what could Paul be hiding? Perhaps someone should be investigating Paul for a change. The hunter becomes the hunted: the ultimate paradox.
2. Is it just us, or do people not seem that busted up about Victor's death? With the fall of the great Zeus you'd think there would have been more drama: lightening bolts, earth quakes, plagues, human sacrifices, the works. Instead, we got a drunken Nikki in a Mexican bar: somehow it doesn't have the same punch.
3. Is Adam's concern with all things green (given the green line of cosmetics he is trying to plug at Newman), brought into question with his flying in a 6 course meal on the private jet for Heather from a restaurant in Brussels?
4. Does it bother Neil that neither of his children are actually his?
5. Did Nikki really sneak off the plane to stay in Mexico to find Victor, or was it because of the cheap and free flowing tequila?

Wish of the week.
1. That Victor returns and is not dead. Not for the reasons one may be thinking, but rather so Nikki can start wearing make-up again. We had to endure weeks of her sans maquillage when Victoria was in coma. Haven't we suffered enough?
2. That they are really not going to have us believe that Chloe is Esther's daughter? And if she is, what will style maven Chloe think of her mother's degrading and unfashionable maid uniform?

Alcohol Saves the Day in Genoa City

Excessive alcohol use, a thematic thread that has run throughout the Young and the Restless for decades, is about the only thing holding our interest these days, as clearly, being drunk is when Genoa City's Finest (GCF) are the most engaging. Nikki is by far leading the pack with her episode-long drunken soliloquy (with Catherine Chancellor as her audience of one via cell phone call from a sleazy Mexican bar), after learning that Victor is presumed dead. Entering into Y&R's drunk acting hall of fame, Nikki rambled on about the wonders of Victor Newman without a single thought as to what the roaming fees of a day long conversation from Mexico to Genoa City would cost her. Next up is Noah, who (most likely looking for a way to alleviate the stress of turning from 11 years old to 15 years old in one summer) was caught stealing beer out of Victor's poolside beer fridge. Unfortunately for us, we were not granted a drunken performance from this newly matured Noah as Nick caught him before his lips had a chance to touch Satan's nectar... but it did get us thinking: Why is that beer fridge even there? Have we ever seen Victor knock back a cool one poolside? Never. Too busy yelling and belittling those around him, we reckon. Although, recently Victor too has succumbed to this ever popular vice. Since Sabrina's death, he has become "Hard-Drinking Victor" (new action figure to add to the collection), with even an army of tequila shots unable to penetrate his Teflon exterior. Cane's relationship with alcohol is a never-ending source of amusement as this man, who is touted as the ultimate male on the show, can't hold his liquor to save his life. Lest we forget Mrs. C, the quintessential drunken matriarch whose histrionics cannot be topped by anyone. (Like an old estranged friend, we pray for "Drunk Catherine's" return). Neil has also battled alcoholism, although, he wins for being the most uninteresting drunk on the show; Daniel's drinking killed Cassie as well as had him bed Amber for the first time (or was it that insane hairdo he was sporting at the time that made him do it?);Phillip Chancellor died in a drunken car accident...need we go on? What is the message then kids? Alcohol is bad. Very bad indeed. But it also makes you a more interesting and engaging person. At least it does in Genoa City.

Paul turns to porn.
Victor's death would be devastating to Paul, and not in that I- liked -you -and- will -miss -you- now- that- you- are- gone kind of way, but more so in that holy-crap-you-are-my-only paying-client kind of way. Without Victor hiring Paul to execute elaborate, high- billing international man hunts and investigations into kidnappings of various family members, Paul is seriously screwed. Thankfully, there is always Paul's backup career in porn, lest we forget his days as a centerfold (as hard as we try, sadly, we are unable...).

We are family. All my overly attentive brothers and me.
Who knew having a brother or sister could be so much fun? Well, when Devon Hamilton is your brother (and in this case, a brother from the same mother), the sky is the limit. Just think, with Devon as your brother, you too could have peanut butter and jelly sandwich making contests (what praytell would constitute winning in such a contest we ask?)! Endless games of War, hands down the most boring card game in existence! Inappropriate tickle fights! Being called the always imaginative nickname for a person who is smaller that you: "Squirt"! And writing insipid songs together!

If this relationship doesn't drive Ana to join her crack mother of a ho on the streets, we don't know what will.

Questions of the week.
1. What will happen to the Newman Gallery of Contemporary Art now that Sabrina is gone? Where will the stuffed sheep and shark in a tank go? Will they be housed alongside Victor's portrait in his office?
2. Is it just us, or is it a bit of a stretch to believe that Nicholas is as bent out of shape about his father's disappearance as he is, given a week ago he hated the guy, had nothing to do with him, and has been cut out of the will?
3. Please remind us why we should give a shit that Tyra is not Ana's mother?
4. Which century does Jill live in for her to think that Cane's having a baby out of wedlock would constitute a "scandal" for Jabot?
5. Should a presumed dead Victor really be a major concern for Nikki considering that Victor is virtually indestructible (you go that?!)? We believe that a much bigger concern for Nikki should be the fact that she is a rich gringa alone in a small Mexican village completely blasted out of her mind.
6. When the photographer was shooting Lily this week for Jabot, what exactly does his direction of: "Give me Restless angst" and "Give me Restless passion", supposed to look like?

Wish of the week.
1. Neil shaves his goatee, and Devon gets rid of his soul patch. Stop tyring to be what you are not. You are not"groovy", or "fringe". You are lifeless cardboard cutouts who are trying to portray something you are not by the way that you manscape. There. We said it.
2. Victoria and her creepy clown smile never graces the cover of Restless Style again.
3. Nikki introduces pills to her new alcohol diet to really get this party started.

Drag Queens, Murderers and Pot Brownies: Another Summer in Genoa City

Being away from Genoa for the last 6 weeks was an exercise in ambivalence indeed. On the one hand, it was great to get away from the slithering pit of obsessive, navel-gazing, hypocrites that inhabit this great backwater, but then again, that is precisely why we missed it. Our covert operation as camp cook at Noah's camp was a success: we witnessed Noah blossom from boy to man in a mere 8 weeks ( it's amazing how a summer at camp can age you). How Noah managed to age 6 years in a matter of weeks, is a mystery to us, but now he is of the far more interesting age where one can be officially sexually active (god help us), have addictions, and back stab people like all of the other adults that populate his world. Let's hope the "let's- placate-Noah-routine" by all of the guilt-ridden adults in his life will subside with this "new and improved" Noah. And while we're on the topic of improving Noah...maybe they can do something about his name. I mean, Noah? Come on.

Admittedly, we were shocked to see Sabrina and David killed off in such an unimaginative way as a car crash. Besides, when we were in Paris this summer (after visiting Noah's camp), we were looking forward to seeing Victor and Sabrina as they also had a vacation planned there. We did go to the Pompidou Centre (where Sabrina was the curator) and strangely enough, they had never heard of her. Tres interessant indeed.

(Un) Able & Cane.
I guess congratulations are in order to Cane for his appointment as CEO of Jabot. Being the CEO of a major international cosmetics firm is impressive indeed, especially for an Aussie guy with a grade 9 education who grew up in the outback and whose sphere of knowledge revolves around rugby, drinking beer and bartending. But then again nepotism runs rampant like a venereal disease in old GC, so why should we be surprised? Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, Cane is once again tricked into marrying a woman (Amber managed to do it only a year ago), this time by Chloe who managed to steal him away from his child-bride, Lily. Both incidents involved him being bombed out of his mind. CEO material? We think not. Let's face it. This guy is a dumb ass. He should stick to what he knows best: embellishing an Aussie accent, drinking beer, dating underage girls and wearing offensively tight shirts.

Divine Intervention.
Tracey Abbott made an appearance this week doing what she does best: impersonating beloved drag queen, Divine (albeit unintentionally). She and Brad bemoan the appointment of Jill's son to the Abbott legacy, but what Brad was really thinking throughout this exchange with his ex-wife was: "God...I slept with this woman?" And lest we forget Brad's early years as a pool/joy boy, sleeping his way to the top, starting his quest with the original low-self esteem girl, Tracy Abbott.

Friendsh*t.
Let's face it. Genoa City's Finest (GCF) are horrible people. And horrible people make for horrible friends. Case in point, Colleen's active pursuit and eventual seduction of her best friend's ex-husband is shameful. And how about Chloe and Amber as BFF? Does Amber not care that Chloe is actively pursuing her ex-husband? Perhaps our expectations are far too high for these people. Realistically, with a population of 20, who the hell are they supposed to sleep with anyway?

And yes, friendship takes many forms in Genoa City. Take Amber and Mrs. C. for example. What does a billionaire octogenarian have in common with a white trash ho from rural Nevada? The appeal for Amber is obvious, as such a friend comes with many monetary benefits, but for Mrs. C? The only thing we can surmise is that Mrs. C. has finally found someone who has slept with more men than she has (despite Amber being 1/4 of her age...quite a feat for Amber), allowing her to safely brag about her conquests without judgment. And brag she does. Speaking of which: Please stop, Catherine. You are scaring us.

Everybody must get stoned.
The best thing, hands down, about Jana and Kevin's wedding (except for the fact that it is finally over), were the pot brownies served at their Ashram venue. Daniel, stoned out of his mind, could hardly contain himself as "River"(formerly Alex P. Keaton's father from 80s sit-com, Family Ties...sad, but true) married Kevin-remember-when-I-used -to -prey-on-underage-girls-online Fisher, and Jana-my-brain-tumor-made-me-kill Hawks. We think a little more brownie and a lot less of Gina's lasagna would do well for GCF indeed, and consequently for us as well.

Dialogue of the week.

Michael to Lauren: Do you realize that both of my parents are murderers?

Now how many people can claim that? A pedigree to be proud of, Michael.
What Michael forgot to add of course, is that his wife is also a murderer for having killed Sheila Carter, and that his new sister-in-law can claim a a similar title for having killed Carmen Mesta. How long before baby Fenmore takes his turn at bat?

Y&R Action figures revisited.
Victor's new role as a tequila drinking, Spanish speaking runaway lends itself to new additions to the existing Y&R action figure collection. For those of you new to this collection, here is a description from an earlier post:

Think about the possibilities. Collect them all. Esther in her maid outfit. Larry Warton with his wife-beater singlet and tool set (sold separately), Colleen 1,2 and 3, Devon and his cochlear implant (sold separately), Noah complete with smoothie, Zappato carrying a shoe, Miguel carrying Victor's slippers. The Victor doll would be the most coveted. It would come with removable "masks" that would illustrate the complexity of his character: Angry Victor, Sad Victor, Remorseful Victor, etc. The box would read: "He yells! He mumbles! He cries! He skywrites messages! He flower arranges! He assaults people! He dials in his performance!

Reader April's list of possible accessories for the Victor doll is impressive: removable eyeglasses, pitcher and water glasses, window with blinds on stand, portrait of himself, file folders with the Newman Enterprises and Clear Springs logos, anti-seizure medication vial, President's chair, trousers with change in the pockets, punching bag on stand, black tank top, cellphone with "You're Still the One" as Nikki's ringtone, and basketball and hoop. Given the upcoming holiday is approaching, one reader suggested a Christmas edition Victor where one could purchase his snowflake collection with miniature scissors and a drawer to hide them in. For a more high-tech effect, reader Paula, suggested a figure with Victor pointing his finger and a voice that says, "You got that????!!!!"

New additions to the collection would have Runaway Victor, sporting black t-shirt, black baseball hat, over sized jeans, and when you pull his string, mumbles in Spanish, "entiende eso, señor!!!???" (you got that, mister!!!???). Tequila bottle and shot glass sold separately.

Stayed tuned for Kung Fu Victor as he is about to kick Walter's ass.


Questions of the week.
1. Was it not strange to see Kevin show up at Jana's stag and strip for her with his mother present?

Camp Go-Away

Our apologies for our unexplained absence. We were extremely concerned for Noah's emotional well-being after he was shipped off to camp by his neglectful parents for 8 long weeks, so we decided that we would take it upon ourselves to go and make sure that he was doing ok. We have therefore found a job as a camp cook, undercover as it were, to make sure that he and his friend Sam aren't in the outhouse doing meth together, or lighting things on fire. We shall return mid-August when Noah himself returns to the lair of horrible people that is his life in Genoa City.

The Devil Went Down to Genoa (June 16-20)

Genoa City's Finest (GCF) gorge on another serving of family dysfunction this week, catapulting themselves into the category of family malfunction. Sabrina's marriage to Victor complicates the already vastly complex entity that is the Newman family as she is now stepmother to her best friend, Victoria, (and wonders why her best friend doesn't want to call her "mommy"). Likewise, she is now "mom" to Victor's estranged son, Adam, as well as to Nick who is only about 3 years her junior. Lest we forget her role as stepmother to stolen- sperm-turned-Abby-Abbott -Carlton-Newman, as well as her duties as step-grandmother to the growing retinue of Victor's grandchildren. The question is: will Victoria send Sabrina a mother's day card? Has it occurred to anyone that Victoria's best friend's baby will not only be her new sibling, but will also be her child's aunt or uncle? Is Genoa City actually not in Wisconsin as everyone thinks, but rather in the Ozarks? Gawd. No wonder Al Quaeda hates us so much.

Victor tells Adam (only now?) about his test-tube conceived half sister, Abby, and proudly explains that she "calls [Brad] 'dad', and me, 'Victor' ". Not something we would choose to boast about. Adam's manages to choke out a "that's very modern" response, but what we all know is he really wants to say - and would never dare to do so at risk of being cut out of the will - is:"that's really f$#@ed up".

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Chloe seems to be the only one with any life amongst the corpses that litter her life (so what if it's because of alcohol) as Devon, Cane, Lily and Neil (just to name a few) make the zombies from The Night of The Living Dead look like Las Vegas showgirls. As is the case with Gloria, the only people who seem to be the least bit engaging are those that drink until they are drunk. Lesson learned kids.

The Devil Went Down to Genoa.
The devil incarnate has descended upon GCF, and has taken the form of a hairless, square- jawed, vacuous mortal by the name of Brad Carlton. Beelzebub , or perhaps, Beelzebrad does what Satan does best: spreads lies and wreaks havoc on the souls of mankind, or in this case David Chow. In the Garden of Eden that is Genoa City, Beelzebrad tempts
David-my mouth-is-too-small-for-my-face-but-that-is-the-least-of-my-
concerns-Chow with the poison apple of gambling. David bites, and is expelled from the paradise of Nikki's bosom (Although this was David's choice as he considers himself no longer worthy). Then again, if we had a choice between Las Vegas and Nikki, unfortunately Vegas would win out as well.

Dialogue of the week.
When Sabrina's mother realizes that Sabrina has no one she knows coming to her wedding, she consoles her with:

"How embarrassing for you".

Not the best bed side manner, our mommy dearest, but in a way Sabrina deserves it. She should be embarrassed, in fact ashamed , that she has not one person she knows coming to her wedding, and who better to tell her of this fact (playing into the family dysfunction theme) than her own mother?

Questions of the week.
1. Is Sabrina's gauche overbearing mother just a recycled version of Lauren's? Is it a coincidence that they both appeared, uninvited, to their respective daughter's weddings, and caused endless tension? Coincidence? Or Laziness on part of the writers?

Could Hell Be Other People? (June 9-13)

In Jean-Paul Sartre's play, No Exit, he envisioned a hell consisting of, quite simply, a few people stuck in a room together for eternity. His back drop for hell was not the usual fire and brimstone chaos, but rather, an opulent salon, decorated in the finest of second empire motifs (not at all unlike that of Katherine Chancellor's or the Abbott manor for that matter). It is this notion of the company that you keep that can be hell that intrigues us, and thus Sartre's quote: "Other people are hell", could easily be an anthem for Genoa City's Finest (GCF). They are each other's hell, trapped in one big salon that is Genoa City. Nowhere to escape to, they mirror each other's flaws and shortcomings, and the most unfortunate part is that we are (voluntarily!) trapped alongside them, and for that, we are the biggest fools of all.

Another Father's day rolls around in Genoa City and its denizens celebrate once again the hell of their fractured relationships with their own fathers. Therefore we here at It Never Ends thought we would seize the opportunity to revisit a previous post (Feb. 11) that gave tribute to Genoa City's deadbeat dads (or perhaps: GCWF-Genoa City's Worst Fathers):

"Victor Jr., nails it right on the head after learning that Victor is his father. He asks Hope: "What kind of man stays away from his own son?" The answer? A Genoa City man. And thus Victor, Paul, Jack, and Danny have all made a point of showing little or no interest in their son's lives. Victor not knowing that his son went to Harvard and currently works on Wall St. is perplexing, as is Paul's lack of involvement in his son Ricky's life (especially considering he is currently dealing with the fallout of the lifelong neglect of his daughter, Heather). Then there's Jack, a man who definitely adheres to the "stay away from your son philosophy", as he never even mentions the son he shares with Diane Jenkins. Next up? Danny Romalotti, who "raised" Daniel by shipping him off to boarding schools while he toured the world spreading musical mediocrity. And where is he now when his son is in such dire need of hairstyle advice? Finally, Malcolm recently learns that he is in fact Lily's father, and as he is currently M.I.A, indicates that he does not give a you-know-what about his daughter. It is apparent that child neglect or rather, child forget, is simply an accepted social norm in Genoa City."

A few months later, we can now add that Victor will be trying his hand at being a father, yet again, as Sabrina announced that she is pregnant (not bad for a guy approaching 70 who's had a vasectomy). Will Victor be able to break the cycle as absentee father? (Nick and Victoria were shipped away to boarding school at a young age, and as adults have been replaced for a newer, younger family; Victor Jr. didn't come onto Victor's radar until a dying, blind, Hope made Victor promise to take some interest in his son's life, and Abby, the result of stolen sperm, is a perennial afterthought). His newest "crotch-dropping", won't have a chance either, because of Victor's advanced age, Victor will be dead before the child makes it to his or her tenth birthday. Way to go Victor. Go treat yourself to a hot dog, you father of the year you.

Webster's Dictionary for the Mentally Challenged.
Amber, underrated as both a scholar and wordsmith describes her "designs" (which are from what we can see shirts worn without a bottom), as "swedgy". The definition:

Swedgy: Swank and edgy.

Huh.

Karen, driver of the sane train.
Karen seems to be the only one with any sense. We would venture to say, more than any one we've ever seen on the show before. So much sense, in fact, that she left Neil, and got the hell out of Genoa City altogether. She even begged off of Neil's marriage proposal, and criticized him for "rushing in". Finally, someone is calling GCF on their favorite pastime: rushing to the alter. Everyone is always in such a damn hurry... almost as much of a hurry as they are to get out of the same marriage only weeks later. They are a fickle bunch our GCF, and Karen wants to have none of it. In fact, she prefers the world of romance novels to this hell on middle earth, and that's certainly not saying much.

Moment of the week.
When Kevin got snubbed by Katy Perry. Kevin's suggestion that "they all hang out together", was met with blank stares. Poor Kevin. Someone needs some cool lessons. Fast.

Questions of the Week.
1. What happened to Kay's memoirs? Did she realize as she sifted through the debris that is her memory, what a truly horrible person she is, forcing her to abandon the project altogether?
2. Discovering that Michael's father was a draft dodger and that he could be in Canada, will they have to consult a map in order to find out where Canada actually is?
3. Does Sabrina seem like she could have been a man at one time? Or perhaps just a younger version of Cher?

Trivialze the trivial.
Eric Braeden's (aka Victor Newman) real name is Hans Jörg Gudegast. We here at It Never Ends are overjoyed to have made this discovery.

The Advent Of GCSA: Genoa City's Self-Absorbed

This week it became glaringly apparent that Genoa City's Finest (GCF) are far too self -absorbed to give a shit about anyone other than themselves. And thus, Nicki claims to "know nothing" about her new husband David's former wives both having died under mysterious circumstances; and likewise Victor learns only now that his soon-to-be-wife, Sabrina, lost her father when she was 12, and that she is estranged from her mother. Is this not a testament to the extreme self- absorption that plagues GCFs at every turn? Furthermore, after 24 years of service, all Victor has to say about Miguel is: "He was a nice man...I will miss him"???? Did anyone know anything about Miguel? Did anyone ever bother to ask? If these people can't even conjure up enough interest to find out about their spouse's past, why the hell would they care about the hired help?

The case of the disappearing office.
So does Jabot actually have offices for its executives, or do they simply work in the boardroom on a rotational basis? In fact, the only actual office is Nicki's, (formerly Jill's despite her higher order on the food chain, and is now relegated to the boardroom). So please, tell us, where is Cane's office? Brad's? Katherine's? Gloria's? Victoria's (just think she gave up an office with a nursery at Newman to work at Jabot). And David's? (He and Nicki share, but Nicki obviously has dibs over the desk. No matter, David's too busy betting on horses with the names, Nimble Nicki and the like). To see the rootlessness of the Jabot executives is officially taking a toll on us, nevermind what it must be doing to them. Jabot needs to admit that they are seriously screwed for space, and set up a cube farm in the boardroom pronto.

Miguel. We hardly knew you.
So after 24 years of stilted performance and fastidious service, our favorite manservant is officially gone. We are devastated. For us Miguel represented the very reason why we watched the show. His unbelievable inability to act was stupefying, but like a car wreck, we could never pry our eyes away. Miguel devoted the best years of his life to the Newman's, and what did he get in return? Nada. Zero. Well, unless you consider Nicki "thanking" him by sending the angel for the Christmas tree that "he used to fuss over until it was perfect". Gee thanks. Are you also planning on sending a bonus, of say, a couple million as well, after having to endure the insipidness of the Newman family for over 25 years - including countless milkshakes made for the likes of Noah, Cassie, and other children pawned off on him, so the parents could get to the business at hand of discussing their shallow and insignificant lives? Except for a few bright moments of when Miguel dated Esther (so cute how the 'help' like to date each other!) and when he punched out Veronica/Sarah's (former maid at the Ranch) boss, it's been all pretty exploitive (considering he was virtually held prisoner at the Ranch, denied of an outside life, and took on the role of chauffeur, nanny, butler, maid, cook, Victor's boy toy and confidant, all rolled into one). Taking care of his sick aunt is sounding pretty good about now. As far as the producers go, though...talk about missed opportunity: 24 years, and then one day he simply never comes back? No car crash, no plastic surgery gone wrong, no murder, no fire? Geez. What a jip.

Devon- no- fun-whatever-his-last-name-is.
Could Devon possibly be any more of a drag? Ever since the cochlear implant/frontal lobotomy, it's be all down hill for our puritanical friend. We much preferred 'hoodlum Devon' as opposed to 'self-righteous Devon' who judges and nit picks everyone around him. It's time the implant comes out and Devon loosens up a bit. The only thing that can save Devon at this point is a relapse into delinquency. We can only pray.

Framed portrait of the week.
John wearing what looks like a straitjacket in a framed photo displayed prominently at the Abbot mansion.

Look of the week.
It was a toss up between Sharon's "RV chic" (tight white pants, dowdy yellow shirt, and fake tan) and Jana's "Helen Keller chic"(a 1940s school marm meets German hospital outfit).

Dialogue of the week.
"The worst mistake a man can make is to believe his own hype. To believe that he is impervious to pain or defeat. That he is omnipotent".

WTF? How can this have possibly come from Victor's mouth when he is guilty of all of what he is condemning? Does he not consider himself omnipotent? Does he not believe his own hype? And finally, is his middle name not Victor "impervious to defeat" Newman?

Jack's response to Victor's buying a shark for $12 million is worth mentioning as well:

Sharon: "Why would he [Victor] buy the dead shark?
Jack: "Maybe he mistook it for a self-portrait".

Questions of the week.
1. Does resident half man/half beast, Phyllis Summers Abbott Newman seem disappointed that her husband's half brother, Adam, is no longer interested in flirting with her? Was the bra she wore to the gym to work out in her last ditch attempt to entice him, and alas to no avail?
2. Is it just us, or does 8 weeks at camp for an 11 year old boy border on abusive? Don't get us wrong, we are relieved that the show will be Noah-less for the next 8 weeks, but my god. Again, when is Social Services going to finally step in?
3. What exactly is the difference between a mansion and an estate? Jack holds the lowly position of possessing only a mansion, faced with Katherine's estate; mocking him at every turn.
4. Who was the lucky recipient of Noah's alleged first kiss this week (so grown up!). Sam?