Monday, August 18, 2008

Drag Queens, Murderers and Pot Brownies: Another Summer in Genoa City

Being away from Genoa for the last 6 weeks was an exercise in ambivalence indeed. On the one hand, it was great to get away from the slithering pit of obsessive, navel-gazing, hypocrites that inhabit this great backwater, but then again, that is precisely why we missed it. Our covert operation as camp cook at Noah's camp was a success: we witnessed Noah blossom from boy to man in a mere 8 weeks ( it's amazing how a summer at camp can age you). How Noah managed to age 6 years in a matter of weeks, is a mystery to us, but now he is of the far more interesting age where one can be officially sexually active (god help us), have addictions, and back stab people like all of the other adults that populate his world. Let's hope the "let's- placate-Noah-routine" by all of the guilt-ridden adults in his life will subside with this "new and improved" Noah. And while we're on the topic of improving Noah...maybe they can do something about his name. I mean, Noah? Come on.

Admittedly, we were shocked to see Sabrina and David killed off in such an unimaginative way as a car crash. Besides, when we were in Paris this summer (after visiting Noah's camp), we were looking forward to seeing Victor and Sabrina as they also had a vacation planned there. We did go to the Pompidou Centre (where Sabrina was the curator) and strangely enough, they had never heard of her. Tres interessant indeed.

(Un) Able & Cane.
I guess congratulations are in order to Cane for his appointment as CEO of Jabot. Being the CEO of a major international cosmetics firm is impressive indeed, especially for an Aussie guy with a grade 9 education who grew up in the outback and whose sphere of knowledge revolves around rugby, drinking beer and bartending. But then again nepotism runs rampant like a venereal disease in old GC, so why should we be surprised? Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, Cane is once again tricked into marrying a woman (Amber managed to do it only a year ago), this time by Chloe who managed to steal him away from his child-bride, Lily. Both incidents involved him being bombed out of his mind. CEO material? We think not. Let's face it. This guy is a dumb ass. He should stick to what he knows best: embellishing an Aussie accent, drinking beer, dating underage girls and wearing offensively tight shirts.

Divine Intervention.
Tracey Abbott made an appearance this week doing what she does best: impersonating beloved drag queen, Divine (albeit unintentionally). She and Brad bemoan the appointment of Jill's son to the Abbott legacy, but what Brad was really thinking throughout this exchange with his ex-wife was: "God...I slept with this woman?" And lest we forget Brad's early years as a pool/joy boy, sleeping his way to the top, starting his quest with the original low-self esteem girl, Tracy Abbott.

Let's face it. Genoa City's Finest (GCF) are horrible people. And horrible people make for horrible friends. Case in point, Colleen's active pursuit and eventual seduction of her best friend's ex-husband is shameful. And how about Chloe and Amber as BFF? Does Amber not care that Chloe is actively pursuing her ex-husband? Perhaps our expectations are far too high for these people. Realistically, with a population of 20, who the hell are they supposed to sleep with anyway?

And yes, friendship takes many forms in Genoa City. Take Amber and Mrs. C. for example. What does a billionaire octogenarian have in common with a white trash ho from rural Nevada? The appeal for Amber is obvious, as such a friend comes with many monetary benefits, but for Mrs. C? The only thing we can surmise is that Mrs. C. has finally found someone who has slept with more men than she has (despite Amber being 1/4 of her age...quite a feat for Amber), allowing her to safely brag about her conquests without judgment. And brag she does. Speaking of which: Please stop, Catherine. You are scaring us.

Everybody must get stoned.
The best thing, hands down, about Jana and Kevin's wedding (except for the fact that it is finally over), were the pot brownies served at their Ashram venue. Daniel, stoned out of his mind, could hardly contain himself as "River"(formerly Alex P. Keaton's father from 80s sit-com, Family Ties...sad, but true) married Kevin-remember-when-I-used -to -prey-on-underage-girls-online Fisher, and Jana-my-brain-tumor-made-me-kill Hawks. We think a little more brownie and a lot less of Gina's lasagna would do well for GCF indeed, and consequently for us as well.

Dialogue of the week.

Michael to Lauren: Do you realize that both of my parents are murderers?

Now how many people can claim that? A pedigree to be proud of, Michael.
What Michael forgot to add of course, is that his wife is also a murderer for having killed Sheila Carter, and that his new sister-in-law can claim a a similar title for having killed Carmen Mesta. How long before baby Fenmore takes his turn at bat?

Y&R Action figures revisited.
Victor's new role as a tequila drinking, Spanish speaking runaway lends itself to new additions to the existing Y&R action figure collection. For those of you new to this collection, here is a description from an earlier post:

Think about the possibilities. Collect them all. Esther in her maid outfit. Larry Warton with his wife-beater singlet and tool set (sold separately), Colleen 1,2 and 3, Devon and his cochlear implant (sold separately), Noah complete with smoothie, Zappato carrying a shoe, Miguel carrying Victor's slippers. The Victor doll would be the most coveted. It would come with removable "masks" that would illustrate the complexity of his character: Angry Victor, Sad Victor, Remorseful Victor, etc. The box would read: "He yells! He mumbles! He cries! He skywrites messages! He flower arranges! He assaults people! He dials in his performance!

Reader April's list of possible accessories for the Victor doll is impressive: removable eyeglasses, pitcher and water glasses, window with blinds on stand, portrait of himself, file folders with the Newman Enterprises and Clear Springs logos, anti-seizure medication vial, President's chair, trousers with change in the pockets, punching bag on stand, black tank top, cellphone with "You're Still the One" as Nikki's ringtone, and basketball and hoop. Given the upcoming holiday is approaching, one reader suggested a Christmas edition Victor where one could purchase his snowflake collection with miniature scissors and a drawer to hide them in. For a more high-tech effect, reader Paula, suggested a figure with Victor pointing his finger and a voice that says, "You got that????!!!!"

New additions to the collection would have Runaway Victor, sporting black t-shirt, black baseball hat, over sized jeans, and when you pull his string, mumbles in Spanish, "entiende eso, seƱor!!!???" (you got that, mister!!!???). Tequila bottle and shot glass sold separately.

Stayed tuned for Kung Fu Victor as he is about to kick Walter's ass.

Questions of the week.
1. Was it not strange to see Kevin show up at Jana's stag and strip for her with his mother present?

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