Sunday, December 23, 2007

Victor Yells At Nicki. Again. (Dec. 17-27)

This week Victor was the pompous arrogant son-of-a-you-know-what that we all know and love, all the while ignoring every social convention in the book. There was plenty classic Victor to go around this week, and I reveled in every moment. And thus the highlights:

1. Behavior reserved for mere commoners, Victor deems it unnecessary to identify himself when leaving messages. And thus his message to Michael: "Michael Baldwin, call me as soon as you get this message." Click. Then again, between the mumble and the strange Germanic accent, the act of identifying himself would be nothing short of superfluous.

2. Victor refers to Detective Sullivan as "Detective-whatever-the-hell-her-name- is". If that doesn't spell g-u-i-l-t-y, I don't know what does.

3. When complaining to Neil about the police investigating him, he claims that "the cops and the DA would like nothing more than a rich and famous guy on the stand and I guess that defines me." So much for humility.

4. Victor is caught talking to himself and to no one in particular (as Victor is apt to do): "You want to play with Victor Newman? I've got news for you: I can take all of you on..." Word up.

5. After Victor receives the papers that Nicki will be suing him for a half a billion dollars, he smashes a framed photo of Nicki circa 1985 (the shoulder pads and big hair give away the era, although, Nicki rode that style well into the 1990s...) in slow motion no less. Simply beautiful to watch.

6. Victor has a hissy fit in front of David and Nicki, "You're suing me for half a billion dollars? Are you out of your cotton-picking mind?" He throws a chair against the wall and continues: "You want to play me at my own game? You fasten your seat belt, you're in for the battle of your life; the battle of your pathetic life!" Simply classic.

Catherine works it out.

Catherine Chancellor hits the Genoa City Athletic Club this week for the first time. Dressed in head to toe athletic gear, she makes a deal with Amber to be her personal trainer in exchange for a free gym pass. All the weeks of having to sit through the monotony of Victoria in a coma and Noah's neurotic outpourings at every turn, Catherine doing a few curls with her perfect helmet of hair for protection and her age appropriate workout gear, was the perfect present for each and everyone of us. Although, what we didn't ask for was to hear Catherine say the following: "I have sweated in my life, but I assure you it was in far more pleasant activities..."
Catherine, is that really necessary?

Teach your children well.
Not known for his originality, J.T. shares some of the things that he wants to teach his son:
1. How to catch a ball
2. How to ride a bike.
3. How to have a sense of humour (he'll have to hire one of the writers for that)

With his tendency to lean towards the cliche, nothing on this list is surprising. Clearly, J.T. needs to branch out. Some suggestions of activities he could teach his son:
1. How to roll joints with one hand.
2. How to surf online porn (could always ask Daniel for some tips).
3. How to marry a rich girl.

Summer's First birthday.
Where to begin. First of all did you see the birthday gift that Summer's billionaire grandfather gave her? A toque. Yes, a lousy toque (or a wool hat if you live in the U.S.). Shouldn't someone with the size of his bank account be buying his granddaughter her own private island in the Caymen's? Again, a hat? Shame on you Victor. I see a T-shirt in Summer's future that reads: "My grand-father is Victor Newman, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

Also, what's up with the scene stealing cupcakes? They had more personality than everyone in the room combined. And did you get a load of how Nick ate his cupcake? With a fork! Who does that? All I know is that real men don't eat cupcakes, let alone with a fork. And if a real man were to eat a cupcake, he would do so in one bite.

Nicki talks pretty.
Nicki uses fancy works when trying to convince Jack to join herself and Chancellor Industries in suing Victor. "I promise you Jack, it would behoove you greatly to help us make our case as strong as possible". Pretty impressive for an ex-stripper wouldn't you say?

Lily the Partier.
Lily tries to prove to Cane how mature she is by claiming that "most girls my age are partying...I'm so over that!" What? When has Lily ever partied? Considering that she never has anything stronger than iced tea and that she is always studying, I'm not sure if she understands what she is saying. Unless of course she considers the time that Kevin and Daniel drugged her as the "partying" phase of her life? At least her best friend, Colleen, was a pothead in NYC for awhile. That I can respect.

Questions of the week.

1. How can one get a copy of the book, Ruthless, that was written about Victor? And if this book does exist as Nicki says, how is it that Victor didn't sue the publisher or buy every issue in existence like he did when Victoria posed as a centerfold and Victor bought up all the issues of the magazine, purchased the publishing company and had the publisher fired?
2. Why does Daniel always get stuck changing Summer's diaper?
3. Where did John get the festive Christmas moose sweater? Did he fetch it from the attic at the Abbott mansion expressly for his next "haunting"? I'm not sure what's scarier, his ghostly appearance, or a grown man wearing such a sweater...

Wish of the week.
More homoerotic workouts with J.T and Cane. Shirtless, sweaty and sharing the intimacy of their inner lives. Could J.T. be trying to make Brad jealous?

Remember When....
Victor hired pop/opera crossovers singers, Il Divo to serenade Nicki? She laments this "romantic" gesture this week, like it was a good thing. If she had any common sense, or any taste for that matter, she should have left Victor then and there.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Victor Gets His Panties in a Wad (Dec. 10-14)

This week Nicki stands up to Victor only to have him retaliate by having her loan called in. When Neil tells David the bad news, David makes the observation that when Victor "gets his panties in a wad, he goes for the jugular". And thus David wins the prize for conjuring up the most provocative image of the week. Nice work, David.

Let me count thee ways.
How many different ways can one respond to "How's Victoria?" Kudos to all those who are asked for trying to provide some variety in their answers:
1. "She's as well as can be expected under the circumstances"
2. "She'll be waking up any day now."
3. "She's a Newman...she's a fighter."

And so on.

Pat answers to token questions. It is obvious that people are moving on and they are asking how Victoria is out of obligation. I think given a little more time that answers will be more like:

"How's Victoria doing?"

1. "Who? Oh yeah, right. Victoria. The one that's upstairs right? Well, she's fine I guess. We've hired around the clock help, so thankfully it's pretty much out of our hands."
2. "She's great thanks to those silk pillowcases she has. Did you know that silk doesn't get dirty? That means we never have to wash them."
3. "How's Victoria doing? The daughter of mine who has been married three times and engaged twice before the age of 35, and is presently unmarried and doesn't know who the father of her child is? The one who is in a coma after being hit with a fake rock at the Clear Springs disaster? She's doing better, thank you."

My gay dads.
So the DNA test results were revealed and J.T. is the father. This is far from the end for Bradley though. While Victoria is in coma, he and J.T. can have free reign to raise the baby on their own. There is no question that Brad and and J.T. make the better couple. And let's face it, Victoria is too selfish to be a mother. She is too busy luxuriating in her coma, with her hair perfectly coiffed and indulging in around the clock care, to look after her baby. Coma shmoma. Victoria is on an extended holiday.

The terminator.
Is anyone else shocked to hear Kevin talking about the people that he knows that can have Jeffrey Bardwell "terminated with extreme prejudice" ? Who are these people that are capable of such a thing? Could it be Gina at the club? How about that guy that was waiting for her the other night so they could go on a date after her shift? Could it be Miguel? Perhaps it is Zapato, or Fisher? We certainly know what those dogs are capable of. Although, my vote does goes out to Jana's murderous brain tumour. It has killed before, and my God it will kill again.

Judgment Day.
Clearly Sharon has a lousy memory, otherwise how can she justify her self-righteous intolerance of Jack's misdeeds? Has it simply slipped Sharon's mind that during high school she was responsible for her mother being paralyzed in an accident? How about the fact that she had a baby at 16? How is it that she has forgotten that she cheated on Nick with Diego the stable hand; made out with her father-in-law; left town to find herself, abandoning her children; had an affair with Cameron Kirsten while her daughter was in a coma after nearly drowning; decided that at one point she wanted to become a stripper; and slept with her brother in-law, Brad Carlton? Somehow Jack lying about the fact that he secretly owned Jabot doesn't seem that bad anymore...

Questions of the week.
1. Do you think Victoria's baby can smell Victor's halitosis through the incubator?
2. Seriously. How many times has it been mentioned how J.T. smells and how he is in dire need of a shower? Poor bastard. And now with the drinking, he must smell like a Texas whorehouse.
3. Why is Kevin always in the boardroom? Does he not have his own office?

Wishlist of the week.
1. The police start looking towards Noah as a suspect in Ji-Min's murder. After all, he has access to both dogs, and with all of the trauma inflicted upon him from the lives of his hyper-dysfunctional parents, he is ready to snap.

Remember when....
Neil and Victoria were engaged? They seem to fail to mention that when they are talking about how Victoria lost a baby before. Even though it was Cole's baby, Neil was going to raise it with Victoria. How is it that Victoria has the ability to rope these men into agreeing to raise her babies when they may or may not be the father? It must be all that Newman money.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Nick Brings Out His Big Gun (Dec.3-7)

In an attempt to bamboozle Phyllis during a video game match, Nick threatens to bring out his "big gun". Back peddling for a G-rated audience, he adds that this would in fact be his "Alien Gun", a reference to the video game, Alien Gun. I tend to think otherwise. This type of comment is a cheap ploy to keep us all from turning off our TVs . Cheap sexual innuendos have a tendency to captivate people's attention. When the going gets rough (and thus the recent writing on Y&R), the sleazy obviously gets going.

Nick Never-Too-Sad-For-Sex-Newman.

Never one to turn down sex, Nick throws caution to the wind (or in this case sorrow to the wind) when our resident half man half beast, Phyllis, seduces him and distracts him from his comatose sister. Unfortunately for us though, we were flashed a close-up of Phyllis' six pack, leaving us to wonder how someone who had a baby mere months ago could possibly possess have such an attribute. Prison has been good to Phyllis indeed.

Victoria is dumped at the Ranch.
What's worse for Victoria? Being holed up at the Genoa City Hospital, or tucked away upstairs in the vortex of the second floor of the Newman Ranch? For Victoria's sake, we can only hope that a nurse-uniform wearing Miguel is up there to keep her company. Something tells me though we aren't going to be allowed up there to see, at least not until Amelie Henele's maternity leave is over.

Heather, champion of the fork.
Heather, the fork wielding, foreign film loving District Attorney alienates Cane for the last time. Could it have been the way she punctuated every sentence with her fork at the Eco-Fundraiser dinner, or the fact that she can read AND watch a movie at the same time? This is was the final straw for Cane. Clearly he is far more comfortable with a 19 year old girl who watches Will Ferrell movies and revels in all that is low brow. Cane's stock is going down, fast.

The Tack(y) House.
I just don't get it . Why do people who are worth millions live in a renovated tack house that is no larger than 2oo square feet of living space? Did you see their "kitchen"? Phyllis barely has enough room to fit Summer's high chair in there. Let's face it, real estate has got to be insanely cheap in old GC, let alone 40 minutes outside of town. What is wrong with these people? Look at Victoria. Well into her 30s and worth millions herself, she has never owned her own place. She lived with her parents on and off for years, as well as in the Tack house, (before the new renovations when they added a second story), Brad's outdated clap trap that looks like the backdrop of a Sears catalogue circa 1982, and most recently, the teenage crash pad known as "The Loft". And look where she is now. Freeloading back at her parents house. Coma or not, this has got to stop.

This week on the incubator cam.
The poor baby was forced to watch through the glass as his grandmother was being massaged by her lover, David. Get a room, Grandma.

Why Neil gets paid the big bucks.
After hanging up the phone with Victor, Karen asks Neil what the problem is. His answer? Are you ready for this?

"There are no problems, Karen, only answers".

Now there's a guy you want working for you! And to think, they almost didn't give him a seat on the board!

Questions of the week.
1. What happened to J.T.? Is he back at the loft getting things ready for when Brad brings the baby home from the hospital so they can start their new life together?
2. Does John have a crush on Sharon? He can't seem to stop talking about how "wonderful" she is to Jack, and how Jack doesn't deserve her. Did you see the way he was practically sitting on her lap in court? How about how he was spying on her when she was staying at the Ranch in an attempt to escape Jack? John's ghost is becoming creepy, and not in that creepy ghost way, but rather in that creepy creep way.

Wish of the week.
Did you see the way Nicki hesitated when the bartender asked her what she would like to drink? It's going to happen, I can feel it. My Christmas wish is coming true before my very eyes. Nicki's going to be back on pills and booze before you can say, "Christmas Miracle".

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Lily Channels Her Inner Dru (Nov. 26-30)

This blog is published weekly on Mondays.

So our favorite-girl-in-a-coma had her baby this week, and it has survived. Wishful thinking on my part would say that this is a sign that this storyline is coming to a conclusion. No such luck. Any hope I had of escaping this torment was dashed when it was revealed in the "teaser" for next week that Victoria will be moved to a long-term care facility. This does not bode well for any of us. I suspect that Victoria will remain in a coma until actress Amelia Heinle is finished her mat leave.

The Incubator Cam.
The POV from Victoria's baby's incubator is priceless. Safe within his incubator, this is a perfect vantage point for him to see Brad silently mouthing words of encouragement through the glass, Nicki trying to take pictures with her digital camera, (only to be blinded by the flash's reflection on the glass), J.T. looking lost in a suit, and so on. Without a doubt, the baby counts his blessings with every breath, most notably for the fact that there is glass and wire separating himself from these people.

Jana Jana Bo Bana.
I pray she and Kevin get married, if only to see Phyllis at her side as her maid of honor. Evidently, the relationship between Jana and Phyllis is more complex than I had originally thought. We never did get to see what went on in their cell when they were alone, and methinks it was not pretty. I suspect there was a little "you sure got a purty mouth" going on , with Phyllis the initiator and Jana the complier. Jana misses this one on one time, and to still feel connected with Phyllis has asked her to be a part of her wedding. As a prison bride she will have to be resourceful. Perhaps she should take a page from Julie Andrews' book from the "Sounds of Music" (an obvious role model for Jana, along with Charles Manson) and make her wedding dress out of prison issued curtains. Oh yeah, I forgot. Prisons don't have curtains.

Genoa City Freeloaders (GCF).
A good name for a Punk band? Perhaps. But unfortunately for Kevin, Genoa City's Finest (GCF) is interchangeable with Genoa City Freeloaders (GCF). Kevin seems to be running more of a charity for the rich and bored than a coffee house. The amount of comped coffee that goes on at Crimson Lights is astounding. And we're not just talking the plain cup of joe that used to be served when Sharon and Nick owned the joint. Now that Genoa City has become such a cosmopolitan and worldly place, they have graduated to the more expensive lattes, cappuccinos, mochas and the like. How does Kevin stay above the red then? My guess is that he's in cahoots with Victor Jr. and his South American cartel of coffee beans and perhaps a little white powder thrown in for good measure.

Nicki the Pill Popper.
Yet another addition to our growing arsenal of action figures. Nicki the Pill Popper is back. She was spotted gobbling up pills outside of the courtroom as she awaited the verdict of whether or not she would be allowed to kill her daughter. I would like more information about these pills. What kind of cocktail has she cooked up this time? Is Dr. Web in on it? He is on the Newman payroll isn't he?

Stoned Nicki. Could it be? Has my Christmas present come early? Stoned Nicki ranks right up there with Make-up-less Nicki and thankfully these two Nickis have a tendency to go hand in hand.

Bunny. Racket. Bunny Racket.
Where did these "nicknames " for Victoria come from? All of these years as Victoria grew up from a snotty-nosed brat, to a snotty-nosed adult, and not once have I heard her called "Racket" by Nick or "Bunny " by her mother. Victoria's coma seems to have had the opposite effect on those around her: people seem to be able to remember every single minute detail of their past with a crystal clear precision. Hell, Nicki even remembered that some 30 years ago, Victoria used to kick her left leg as a baby, just like Victoria's baby now does. A mind like a steel trap our Nicki Newman. Again I ask. What are in those pills?

Y&R Drinking Game, Part 3.
When Victoria's monitor goes off to indicate that death is imminent (and to jostle us all out of our own coma like state), don't take just a drink, but a go to town, drink the rest of whatever bottle it is that you are drinking. You've earned it.

Victoria's BP
The doctor mentioned Victoria's "BP "with the assumption that we all know what BP stands for. The obvious answer of course, is Blood Pressure as this has been an ongoing issue for her (God knows why considering all she does is lie there), but some other possibilities for this acronym could be:

Bi-Polar: Perhaps this is a more appropriate diagnosis for Victoria. After all it does run in the family, thanks to her father.
Bring Pillow: And that they did. A satin one at that. No wonder she doesn't want to wake up, with the comfort of that satin under her perfectly coiffed hair. This pillowcase captivates my attention more than the storyline itself. Does one need a doctor's prescription for such bed linen?
Buy Pickles: Perhaps bringing pickles to Victoria's bedside will bring Victoria out of her coma. Remember how much she loved pickles when she was pregnant? Imagine a pregnant lady, eating pickles? Precious! In professional circles it is commonly known that Dr. Web is doing research at John Hopkins on the highly controversial and experimental pickle procedure to rouse pregnant coma patients. What have they got to lose at this point?
Blatant Punishment: Is that what Doctor Web has ordered for all of us viewers as we are forced to be bedside with a comatose Victoria and her morose entourage week after week?

My gay dads.
Seriously. We shouldn't be that worried about Victoria waking up in order to look after her baby. J.T and Brad have got it covered. Did you see the way they "worked together" this week? Cooperative, and sensitive to each others needs. Brad could move into the loft with J.T. and they could raise the baby there. Victoria, the tribe has spoken.

Faces of Dru.
A "brilliant" new beauty campaign was thought up this week by Jill: Faces of Jabot...the Beauty is You. Sound familiar? Jill, inspired by Lily's "natural beauty", seems oblivious to the existing Dove Campaign for Real Beauty and is setting herself up for yet another lawsuit for Jabot. In an effort to motivate Lily to enter the contest, Colleen encourages her to"channel her inner Dru" -a scary prospect indeed. What does this mean for Lily? Embracing a mental illness? Cultivating an ability to make every single person in the room hate her? Turning herself into an obsessive, jealous, spiteful and violent, verging on psychopathic, hat-wearing weirdo? If so, then bring it on. It's time Lily evolved as a character.

Questions of the week.
1. If one is mentally impaired, do those disabilities carry through when one becomes a ghost? Would that mean then that John Abbot's ghost is still confused? Is that why he keeps showing up?
2. Why are Zapato and Fisher not being questioned for Ji-Min's murder? Dog hair was found on the body, so obviously they did it. Or perhaps it was Jana's brain tumour that did it?
3. Is it just me, or did Amber's disguise place her as a cross between a 1980s Lauren Fenmore and Darth Vader?
4. Is it supposed to be comforting to Brad and J.T. that Noah too was a preemie?

Wish list of the week
1. Starbucks comes to Genoa City and wipes out Crimson Lights.
2. I get invited to be one of Cane's 141 friends on "My Space "

Vocabulary of the week.
The Nick: What the staff at Crimson Lights have named Nick's over-ordered extra-thick strawberry milkshake with whip cream. Yes. For real.