Monday, November 17, 2008

Are You There God? It's Us, Genoa City's Finest

This week in Genoa City, its denizens face matriarch Catherine Chancellor's death and dig deep to confront their own mortality, or dare we say, their own spirituality. Which begs the question: what form does spirituality take for Genoa City's Finest (GCF)? From what we could see from their comportment at the funeral, spirituality for GCF seems to manifest itself in the holy trinity of me, myself and I - a philosophy, in our opinion, that is none too flattering to anyone who subscribes. Thanks to an omniscient camera we were given the privilege to venture into the thoughts of GCF, leaving us worried for humanity in general. And thus, their thoughts speak for themselves:

Nikki (thinking): Thank you, God, for bringing Victor home safely. I know this is what I prayed for. And I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but... please help me. I feel like my heart's breaking, seeing him with Ashley.

Oh...and...yeah...I almost forgot God, take care of that old broad, Katherine, while you're at it.

Sharon (thinking):
Oh, Katherine, I wish I could ask you what I should do about Jack. Our marriage... I can't stand the lies any longer. I'm gonna miss your wonderful advice.

Yep, Sharon, it is all about you...even at someone's funeral.

(thinking) : Well, Sis, I certainly hope you know what you're getting involved with.

Yes, Tracy, a funeral is the perfect venue to indulge your feelings of inadequacy around your much thinner sister.

Jeffrey (thinking)
:I wonder who the blonde is sitting with Jack. She looks loaded.

This is actually pretty funny.

Jack (thinking):
Do you think this is funny, God? Having Ash drag Newman back into the sunlight and bring him back at a time like this? I got too many balls in the air right now. I don't need this at a time like this. So I'm gonna need a little help here. All right? Please?

Can you say b-l-a-s-p-h-e-m-y? The insolence! The disrespect! Is God going to take that from Jack???

Victor (thinking):
They say vengeance is yours, Lord. But I'm not patient enough to wait that long.

So in other words, God, I am better then you.

Esther (what she should have been thinking): Damn you old woman for making me wear that degrading maid outfit for the last thirty years. Where the hell did you get off? This was my life's work? Serving you? And what kind of shitty idea of yours was it to send my daughter to boarding school from the time she was a toddler? I missed out on raising the only child I will ever have, and this in addition to the exposure to the pretentious world of boarding schools, she is one messed up sociopathic beyotch who will have nothing to do with me
whatsoever. And don't think I never saw you rolling your eyes at me, you old goat. The only good thing that came out of all of this is that having access to your money allowed for some pretty fierce cosmetic surgery, if I may say so myself.

Who ever said that GCF were compassionate people? The navel gazers that they are, they can't think beyond themselves for five seconds to mourn a woman who has been a part of their lives for the better part of 40 years? Why should we expect anything else? The highlight of the funeral for us here at It Never Ends was most definitely Marge's narration, in which she looked directly into the camera and seemed to take her performance cues from the "down home" aphorisms of the narrator of Dukes of Hazzard fame.

It Never Ends reader comment of the week.

"Can You Tell Me How To Get To..." writes:

Phyllis looked like Big Bird with that silly feathered hat walking down that fake looking street. Does that make Victor Oscar the Grouch?

Questions of the week.
1. Is it just us, or did the folks who turned up for Katherine's Funeral look more like the cast of flesh-eating zombies of Night of The Living Dead?
2. With all of their outpourings and grieving, what will GCF do when they find out that Katherine is actually alive? Will they be disappointed? Will they kill her and devour her flesh? (see question #1)
3. Is it just us, or do Sharon and Nicholas seem to punctuate every sentence with a hug?
4. Was seeing GCF in a bookstore an oxymoron? Have these people ever read a book in their lives?

Remember when...

Phyllis and Jana were in prison together, staging their own x-rated version of Prison Heat?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Pain, Procreation and Pantalons: Genoa City's Finest Invade Paris

Who knew that pain could be such an aphrodisiac? Genoa City's Finest (GCF) reveal this week that when someone is grieving over a death, divorce, or a loved one in is the perfect opportunity to make your move. And thus, Victor is resuscitated from the depths of despair over Sabrina's death with the advances of a desperate and in-heat Ashley Abbott; Noah and Eden make out for the first time after Noah talks about his parents divorce, his sister's death, and likewise, Eden spills the beans about her father's incarceration; and Sharon and Nick share a heated kiss in Paris after talking about Cassie's death. The lesson? If you are a resident of Genoa City, choose carefully to whom you reveal your most painful secrets, especially if you are trying to avoid getting an STD.

(Not so) Gay Paris.
Not since the Germans rolled their tanks under the Arc de Triomphe has Paris witnessed such atrocities in their city as they did this week with the spontaneous blitzkreig by Genoa City's Finest. Was it just us, or did seeing GCF in Paris without the carefully controlled (studio) environment of Genoa City, suddenly take on the look of a Mexican soap opera? The natural outside light was none too forgiving to our fair friends, leaving them swimming performance-wise in this great city. And to make matters worse, Sharon showed her true colours as the country hick that she really is. And thus:

Sharon (to Nick): Gosh, everything here [in Paris] is just so old and so gorgeous. I mean, it's nothing like Genoa City.

Never underestimate the power of observation.

We did find it very hard to believe that Sharon had never been to Paris before, especially when she has been rolling in it for years with her marriages to a Newman (with access to a private jet), and now an Abbott. What is wrong with her? She never once got it together to go to Paris? We reckon that's what happens when your choice of vacation spots is always the culturally vacant Barbados.

And was it because of Sharon's lack of refinement, culture and worldliness that had Nick "fall" for her all over again, resulting in a passionate embrace?

Le Victor.
We were thrilled to see that Victor was located in Paris this week, and we believe that it was no accident he was spotted around Notre-Dame, taking inspiration from the gargoyles that inhabit the cathedral. Standing alone in his over sized leather jacket and jeans, hands in his pockets, and an accompanying look of despair, Victor looked like an out-of-work day labourer waiting for someone to hire him for an odd job. Either way, albeit a gargoyle, or an out of work labourer, this "look" was an intense turn on for Ashley Abbott and her sans pantalons * look.

Questions of the week.
1. Are Sabrina and John Abbott hanging out together in the after world? Are they planning an appearance together?
2. How great was Nick's suggestion that Victor shave his moustache in order to disguise himself?
3. How is it that Ashley, Phyllis and Sharon were each able to walk for miles around Paris in 4 inch heels?
4. What was more disturbing? That Gloria's testimony 30 years ago was responsible for Lowell becoming a fugitive, or that she couldn't move her botoxed face when trying to show her intense remorse to having done such a thing to Lowell?
5. How do the employees of Restless Style feel having to watch their bosses Phyllis and Nick get it on at every chance they get?
6. Did Katherine Chancellor roll her eyes when Esther promised to stay with her forever? Which begs the question: which is worse? Having your mind turn to mush, or being stuck with Esther for the rest if your days?
7. Did they really kill Mrs. C. off in a car crash? How lame would that be? Whatever happened to the good old days when people died by falling into a canyon, or being gunned down? But a car crash? Almost 40 years on the show, and this is the best they can offer Mrs. C?

* sans pantalons = pantless

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Let Them Eat Nuts

We here at It Never Ends have not posted for a couple of weeks, as we are going through a rather trying time as of late, a sort of existential crisis directly related to the state of the Young and the Restless. Simply put, Y&R has totally blown goats lately, and we are hard pressed to write anything about it, except for a list of why it has deteriorated into a miserable puddle of puke...

And thus, is it so wrong that we :

Don't give a sh*t that Victor is missing (yet again); that Jeffrey is threatening Gloria with the face cream(once again); that charges against Brad have been dropped(again), that Heather Stevens is prosecuting Victor Newman for murder (again); that Sharon is questioning her marriage to Jack (again); that Phyllis wore that horrid cowboy hat to celebrate her wedding anniversary (again); that Catherine Chancellor's faculties are being questioned by Jill (again); that Amber and Mrs. C are revisiting Mrs. C's memoirs when we were led to believe it was a fait accompli; that the downtrodden and drunken Marge, Catherine's alter ego, is a part of her life (again); and that Brad and Sharon were caught in an inappropriate embrace (yet again, for the millionth time)...

Moreover, we are officially tired of everyone caring about and wanting to help Victor Newman, when he is the biggest coc*sucker of all, and we are equally fed up with Jana's flaky spirituality passed off as "idiosyncratic", when in fact she has a bone fide mental illness.

And yes, we could go on.

Even the actors seem bored. Mrs. C who is losing her mind, is actually in an enviable position...

Dialogue of the week:
Sharon: I just want to spend time with the man I fell in love with.
Jack: Me too.

Huh. Interesting.

Brad the nuteater.
Brad, a former shell of himself, has emerged from his forced exile and is embracing his role as the town pariah. To celebrate his new role, Brad indulges in some cosmetic surgery a la Mickey Rourke and poises himself for another round of nut-eating at the bar of the GCAC.

Questions of the week.
1. How is it that Fenmore and Summer were born within only a couple of months of each other, but Summer is pushing what looks like five years old, and Fenmore is barely walking, at what looks like two?
2. How strange is it that both Neil and Olivia have seen Karen's private parts?