Monday, November 17, 2008

Are You There God? It's Us, Genoa City's Finest

This week in Genoa City, its denizens face matriarch Catherine Chancellor's death and dig deep to confront their own mortality, or dare we say, their own spirituality. Which begs the question: what form does spirituality take for Genoa City's Finest (GCF)? From what we could see from their comportment at the funeral, spirituality for GCF seems to manifest itself in the holy trinity of me, myself and I - a philosophy, in our opinion, that is none too flattering to anyone who subscribes. Thanks to an omniscient camera we were given the privilege to venture into the thoughts of GCF, leaving us worried for humanity in general. And thus, their thoughts speak for themselves:

Nikki (thinking): Thank you, God, for bringing Victor home safely. I know this is what I prayed for. And I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but... please help me. I feel like my heart's breaking, seeing him with Ashley.

Oh...and...yeah...I almost forgot God, take care of that old broad, Katherine, while you're at it.

Sharon (thinking):
Oh, Katherine, I wish I could ask you what I should do about Jack. Our marriage... I can't stand the lies any longer. I'm gonna miss your wonderful advice.

Yep, Sharon, it is all about you...even at someone's funeral.

(thinking) : Well, Sis, I certainly hope you know what you're getting involved with.

Yes, Tracy, a funeral is the perfect venue to indulge your feelings of inadequacy around your much thinner sister.

Jeffrey (thinking)
:I wonder who the blonde is sitting with Jack. She looks loaded.

This is actually pretty funny.

Jack (thinking):
Do you think this is funny, God? Having Ash drag Newman back into the sunlight and bring him back at a time like this? I got too many balls in the air right now. I don't need this at a time like this. So I'm gonna need a little help here. All right? Please?

Can you say b-l-a-s-p-h-e-m-y? The insolence! The disrespect! Is God going to take that from Jack???

Victor (thinking):
They say vengeance is yours, Lord. But I'm not patient enough to wait that long.

So in other words, God, I am better then you.

Esther (what she should have been thinking): Damn you old woman for making me wear that degrading maid outfit for the last thirty years. Where the hell did you get off? This was my life's work? Serving you? And what kind of shitty idea of yours was it to send my daughter to boarding school from the time she was a toddler? I missed out on raising the only child I will ever have, and this in addition to the exposure to the pretentious world of boarding schools, she is one messed up sociopathic beyotch who will have nothing to do with me
whatsoever. And don't think I never saw you rolling your eyes at me, you old goat. The only good thing that came out of all of this is that having access to your money allowed for some pretty fierce cosmetic surgery, if I may say so myself.

Who ever said that GCF were compassionate people? The navel gazers that they are, they can't think beyond themselves for five seconds to mourn a woman who has been a part of their lives for the better part of 40 years? Why should we expect anything else? The highlight of the funeral for us here at It Never Ends was most definitely Marge's narration, in which she looked directly into the camera and seemed to take her performance cues from the "down home" aphorisms of the narrator of Dukes of Hazzard fame.

It Never Ends reader comment of the week.

"Can You Tell Me How To Get To..." writes:

Phyllis looked like Big Bird with that silly feathered hat walking down that fake looking street. Does that make Victor Oscar the Grouch?

Questions of the week.
1. Is it just us, or did the folks who turned up for Katherine's Funeral look more like the cast of flesh-eating zombies of Night of The Living Dead?
2. With all of their outpourings and grieving, what will GCF do when they find out that Katherine is actually alive? Will they be disappointed? Will they kill her and devour her flesh? (see question #1)
3. Is it just us, or do Sharon and Nicholas seem to punctuate every sentence with a hug?
4. Was seeing GCF in a bookstore an oxymoron? Have these people ever read a book in their lives?

Remember when...

Phyllis and Jana were in prison together, staging their own x-rated version of Prison Heat?

No comments: