Monday, October 29, 2007

Nicki Tells J.T. to Take a Shower (Oct.26-30)

There is truly nothing worse than a hospital scene. Wrought with cliche, they punish the audience with exaggerations of love, pleadings with God, contrived anecdotes, confessions, tears, apologies....with all misdeeds forgiven and forgotten. These scenes have to rank amongst the lowest forms of entertainment. The fall out from the Clear Springs disaster has therefore been catastrophic for me. With 80% of the cast injured, we have had to endure entire episodes taking place in the hospital with the camera roving from Noah's hospital room, to Victoria's, to Adrian's to Brad's to Jack's and back to Noah's again. It is during these moments that I truly question my commitment to the show. As one reader of the blog so aptly put it, to stop watching the Y&R is harder than quitting heroin. Although, heroin would certainly help make these hospital scenes more bearable...

Bedside Victor.
A predictably kindler, gentler Victor emerges when he is at a loved one's hospital bedside. As he hovers over Victoria from behind, this Victor has the demeanor of a creepy hospital janitor taking a stolen moment alone with a patient.

On an up note, it looks like Victor's mumbling kettle is set to boil again. Evil doers beware.

Who loves Victoria more? J.T. or Nicki?
J.T. shows his commitment to Victoria by forgoing bathing to be by her bedside. Not to be one-upped by her future son-in-law, a make-up-less Nicki (yikes!) orders J.T. to go home and shower as well as change his clothes (the same clothes that he was wearing while trapped in the collapsed parking garage days ago.... ).

Most absurd moment.
Brad with bandages on his eyes, carrying on a conversation like nothing's wrong. Sharon asks, "Are you sure you're ok?" My sentiments exactly.

Most pathetic moment.
Is this what J.T. music career has been reduced to? Listening to (what I presume to be) his own demo tape (on a cassette player no less), in the parking lot of the Genoa City Hospital? What happened to his music career in Los Angeles? We had such high hopes for J.T., as did Shiloh, the record producer ( the inspiration for Brangelina's Shiloh???Could it be???????????????)

CT scan vs. Chemo.
Jack shows undying commitment to Noah as he forgoes a CT scan to visit him. Speaking of other hospital treatments, where is his son Chemo? The one he conceived with a Vietnamese woman during his tour in Vietnam ? And Kyle? Why is he so committed to Noah, but seems oblivious to his own sons, the ones that were born from the fruits of his own loins?

John Abbot's Ghost.
John is looking particularly tanned for a ghost, wouldn't you say? I think as an audience we assume that he made it though the pearly gates, but I would argue otherwise. After all, he did kill a man, didn't he?

Paul and Maggie. Paggie. Maul.
Did anyone else feel the need to look away? I felt embarrassed for them and embarrassed for myself. It did confirm for me though what I have always though about Paul- his real calling is not a PI, but rather a PG: porno guy.

My sympathy goes out to:
The hospital staff who have to endure harassment and belittlement from Genoa City's finest. From Colleen telling Adrian's nurse to "please take care of him..." (Ummm....what the hell do you think I'm doing here, beyotch?), to Victor undermining the doctors by flying in a specialist, to Sharon's easily fulfilled request of "please save my son's life!" This staff has an incredible amount of pressure on wonder there's such a high turn over of doctors on the show.

Wish list:
1. Noah's voice box was removed instead of his spleen.
2. That the hospital staff doesn't allow any outside food so the much hyped and anticipated "extra-thick" strawberry milkshake won't make it to Noah's bedside. Smoothies and other milk based beverages have more charisma and appeal than our Noah, and I fear him being upstaged.
3. More screen time for Esther and that they would get her back in that degrading maid's uniform.
4. As a way to relieve some of her sexual frustration, Phyllis xeroxes her own ass and gives it to Nick in a corporate file folder during one of their high powered meetings that Newman Enterprises is so famous for.

Question of the week.
1. How will Phyllis stay current fashion-wise while she is on her prison work-release? She referred to her prison jumpsuit as a "'fashion don't", so it is obvious that being fashionable matters to her. Does she have a personal shopper, and if so, does she describe her style to him or her as corporate slutty?
2. Does John Abbot's ghost ever "appear" when Jack and Sharon are intimate?
3. Is it advisable for Noah to gorge himself on Halloween candy moments after he's had is spleen removed?

Creepy website.
And for the piece de resistance, Newman Enterprises has their own website. On it are updates of all of the "casualities" from Clear Springs. Demented.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Crystal Methane: The Downfall of Clear Springs (Oct. 18-26)

First of all, I have to say how disturbed I was to hear the name "Iggy Pop" come out of not only Victoria's mouth, but J.T.'s as well. How would Iggy feel about boy-band loving J.T. referring to him as the "grandfather of punk"? This simply cannot be. Ne'er shall these two worlds meet. It is just wrong.

There is so much yet so little to say about the last few episodes. But is that not a metaphor for the show overall? For our lives?

The Highlights:

1. Mary Mary quite contrary.
Forget the explosions, the roving underground camera, the reconciliations, the confessions or Victor saving the day, Mary Williams was brought back into the fray through a story told by Lauren. Just think, that vitriol spewing, church going, sausage making, puritanical beyotch could be making her way back into Paul's life and thus our own! Oh and how she could make mince meat out of seemingly infallible Maggie: "So, you're saying that you work outside of the home?", or "Is that a pistol in your pants or are you just happy to see me?", or "Paul needs a more feminine woman, such as myself." I can just see it. Although, since Paul has been on the show since 1978 (!), that would mean that he is OLD and that if his mother is still indeed alive, she could require assisted living. Perhaps moving in with Paul and Maggie could help her ailing ways. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

2. Visualize this
Genoa City's finest show their spiritual side as well as their ability to use a 6 syllable word: visualization. Jana urges Phyllis in her moment of frustration over not being able to save the day at Clear Springs to use visualization techniques. Phyllis then visualizes Nick with his shirt off. Likewise, Paul urges a trapped and anxious Lauren to visualize happy thoughts, as does David with Nicki over the fate of a missing Victoria. Taking their cue then, I am going to visualize a better world where I don't have to look at Paul Williams' hair plugs.

3. Mrs. C is a whore.
Her life could be over at any time. Any second, one of those fake concrete blocks could come crashing down, and what does she choose to mull over? The defining moment of a life lived: an erotic encounter with one of her stable boys. My god. What an image. This, coupled with her being hoisted up the elevator shaft, I felt an unfettered joy, like no other.

Wishlist of the week
1. Amber's "fashion" designs and demo tape have been lost in the debris.
2. The producers auction off the rubble from the collapsed parking lot set on eBay. Much like the Berlin Wall, this is truly an historic moment, worthy of expensive commemoration.

Question of the week
1. Can anyone please enlighten me as to why it is only Mrs. Chancellor who gets to call J.T, Jeffrey-Todd? Is it because she is the epitome of "class", and it is only the declasse who use abbreviations and nicknames? Case in point, Esther the maid, representing the "underclass", refers to Mrs. Chancellor, simply as "Mrs. C".

Dialogue to be, quite frankly, ashamed of
Maggie: Guess who I was talking to while you were upstairs?
Paul: I don't know, who?
Maggie: Your ex-wife.
Paul: Which one?

Oh Paul. Are you not the least bit embarrassed that you have been married four times? How many other secrets have you not told our detective, Maggie? What about the time in 2002 when you raped Christine? How about the fact that you have a son Ricardo who lives with the parents of your psycho ex-wife and you never visit him, let alone mention his name? Do you not feel shame? How about how year after year you managed to slowly whittle away any self-esteem that your devoted secretary Lynne may have had? Not to mention your inability to tell your adult daughter that she is in fact your daughter, and that you are not some overly attentive creep asking her out for dinner? I have three words for you, Maggie: Major Red Flag.

Cause for concern.
I had a horrible thought. What happens if all of the characters follow Nicki's lead and switch to Blackberries? What will happen to our flip phone drinking game? (see post Nicki Realizes that she's Smart)

Vocabulary of the week.
Hoti: A name suggested to J.T. by Victoria for her baby...It means "restless" in Hopi. Get it? restless, as in Young and the Restless? Wow.

Addressing your questions.
Estheristhebester asks some very important questions this week (see her comment):

Q. Malcolm came back from being lost in Africa for 4 years. LOST IN A RIVER IN AFRICA. (as Drew was lost in a river in Wisconsin) and then he returns tatooed and angry..and he worked at CRIMSON LIGHTS?? and then...where did he go? He just didn't show up for work one day and that was that.

A. Did you not see the episode when Malcolm was fired for refusing to make smoothies?

Q. OR more recently we have the big story line, totally got me, moved me, made me address my own mortality- The Death Of Nicholas. It was WOW, thank you for that. THEN it gets even better with the whole lost in the wilderness (outside of....Detroit). Close to death. and then the miraculous return...Logan...memory loss...he has to deal with Cassie's death all over again...the way he looked at Sharon...the longing reflected the longing of us all. Get back together. Fight for your past. Redeem yourself for your mistakes Nick. Wrap us up in the Nictor-esque story of this lost love. and then----------no memory comes back but he..yeah, "gets" why he loved Phyllis. WHAT?

A. I think he fell in love with Phyllis again after he learned that she plays video games, is a shitty cook, and is perpetually in heat. And with the addition of prison, CAGED heat at that.

Q. Victor Jr.

didn't they allude to him being in Columbia involved with some drug cartel? I KNOW they did and yet. What? Where is he? Kansas? Was he executed and his fingers mailed back to Hope as a warning? Did I miss something.

A. I think it was actually his fingernails and not his fingers that were mailed to Hope. Being blind, Hope mistook them for poker chips and bet them away in her weekly Friday night poker game.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Nicki Realizes That She's Smart.

It looks like my wishes have come true; well half true anyway. Victor has started his post-divorce "mending" ways, his inner Mr. Hyde has emerged, and he is now expressing interest in making cradles, giving away baby naming books, playing on-line chess with a "colleague" (and winning of course!), and making jokes about his grand-daughter Summer inheriting his moustache! As far as my hope for Nicki to revert back to her pill-popping ways, it could still be a possibility. In an attempt to convince Nicki to not give up on her marriage, Catherine points out that Victor has always been by her side and has loved her through thick and thin...even when she was strung out. Please Nicki, do everyone a favour and realize that Victor's love is unconditional and get thee to a pharmacy!

Phicholas. Phick. Nichyllis.
So Phyllis gets her work release. Where were the cameras when she went into the warden's office to "negotiate" ? Clearly, Phyllis is in heat. Prison heat. Not sure if I can handle watching Nick and his Prison Wife get it on at work. This is going to be truly painful and it is not going to end well for any of us.

CC. Colleen Carlton.
I noticed that the first Colleen has made the jump to night time television and is now playing a character on Desperate Housewives. I guess Y&R is a sort of launching pad as she joins the ranks of another questionably skilled Y&R alumni, Eva Longoria. So it got me many Colleens have there been? The first, a baby-faced brat who we got to see "experiment" with marijuana when she lived in NYC; the second, an overweight heavily-made up Colleen, where the poor production crew had to pull out every stop possible to avoid an "ass" shot (rumour has it that she found out that she has been fired from a voice mail message), and now the third, an over-sexed, better looking Colleen with a bizarre rendition of the "high-class mullet" (see post, The End of Nictor) . The interchangeability of actors playing the same character is unsettling. Much like buildings that get torn down, we never remember what was there before.

Dialogue worth revisiting.
Nicki: I have been a business woman for years now, I am such a ridiculous cliche. I know. I know. I have run for office, I'M SMART, I know that I'M SMART. If only Victor could recognize that.....
Catherine: Even when you were dependent on pain killers, Victor never left your side.

Way to go Catherine. Way to knock down your friend in her moment of enlightenment. For the first time in her life, she realizes that she's "smart" and you just had to go and remind her of her weaknesses didn't you?????

Questions of the week.
1. Is it me, or is it kind of creepy that the District Attorney likes to hang out with college kids?
2. How is it that the Clear Springs construction site is so squeaky clean?
3. Anyone else sense sexual tension between the corrupt foreman and Gay.T?
4. How do Lily, Daniel and Colleen feel about going to college in the Walnut Grove High School set?
5. Who would win in a fight: Fisher or Zapato?

Wish list of the week.
1. Start a Y&R drinking game. Whenever a character dramatically shuts their "flip phone", take a drink.

Vocabulary of the week
Zapato: For those of you who missed the episode when Victor named his dog, it means shoe in Spanish. Yes, shoe. Victor named his dog shoe, because why? Because his dog likes to play with shoes. Yes, that's right. This was a kinder, simpler Victor. A Victor with a child-like innocence that bordered on developmentally challenged. Poor Zapato. How humiliating.

Monday, October 15, 2007

The End of Nictor

So here it is, the end of our precious Victor and Niki. After all these years of marriage, children, break-ups, cheating, drug addiction, jail...and somehow I find myself not giving a crap. I wish Victor would go back to his flower arranging, bookcase making ways, and Niki back to her pill-popping, alcoholic ways: the two of them had way more to offer then.

I am very concerned for Sharon. Clearly there is something wrong with her hair. A short shelf in the front and a long mane trailing down her back. What is it? Short or long? Long or short? A short-long? I couldn't quite put my finger on it until my friend Jen put it perfectly: a high class mullett. She needs to make a trip to Madison, fast.

Phyllis. Prison Phyllis. No make-up Phylis. Contemplative Phyllis.
Clearly, she and the warden are attracted to one another. I am seriously hoping for some prison sex.

Far too much air-time. Please stop.

Gay-T and Victoria.
Engaged. Huh. Apparently in real life they are a couple as well. This makes me as confused as Thad Luckinbill is apparently about his own sexuality.

Tracy Abbott.
I know she wasn't in this week's episodes, but is she punk rock or what? The pink hair? Has Divine been exhumed? NYC has been very good to her indeed.

This week's wish list:
1. Larry Warton would come back and grace us with his high-waisted pants and John Waters -esque facial hair. Let's start the campaign now to bring him back, and put him back where he belongs: Jill's bedroom. If Victor goes up in a methane blaze from the drilling at Clear Springs, I could see Larry easily filling his shoes.

2. The writers would eliminate "Smoothie" as both a drink and a word in the English language. Not sure if this is possible given smoothies seem to be the only way "adults" can find a way to bond with Noah.

3. They would build a "cell" set for Phyllis. Seriously bummed out that we haven't seen a shot of her using the "head" or lying supine on her bunk.

This week's questions:
1. Who gets Miguel in the divorce settlement?
2. What type of birth control is Colleen using?
3. Is it me or did Sharon say that Jack enjoys listening to "rap" music?

This week's vocabulary:
retcon: Retroactive continuity or retcon is the deliberate changing of previously established facts in a work of serial fiction. The change itself is referred to as a "retcon", and the act of writing and publishing a retcon is called "retconning" as in Kay is Jill's actual birth mother, and Phillip II and Jill's baby was switched at birth.

The Beginning of the Never-End

Watching the Y&R is most definitely something I am not proud of. Its not something I would write on a resume and is not something I would disclose to just anyone. Like a recovering addict, I have to chose my audience wisely and take great caution when I make the disclosure. The risk can be well worth it though: when one finds an ally, a fellow watcher who also has their tongue planted firmly inside their cheek, there is simply nothing like it. It is a secret society that holds more power than the Knights Templar. Given the sheer volume of people who watch the show worldwide, you would think that I would feel a connection to a brethren of literally millions. In theory yes, but as was demonstrated by the line of questioning from the audience at a recent Y&R cast Q&A my friends I went to, it was apparent, that we were alone. Their commentary revealed an alternate universe of watchers, that was quite frankly, chilling. It was like The Invasion of the Bodysnatchers. The banality and earnestness of the questions such as "Nick, are you and Sharon getting back together?" or "Was it hard for you when Cassie died?" were not at all like the questions we would have liked answered, such as: "Who has the worst halitosis on the show?", or "How much is a membership to the Genoa City Athletic club? , and "Is there a waitlist?", or "Is Gina's lasagna really that great ?, or "Who's better in bed, Sharon or Phyllis?", or as my friend Jen did ask the cast, "What exactly is in the corporate file folders that everyone is always leafing through?"

The knowledge of having watched the show for over 20 years is information you do not want getting into the wrong hands. It could ruin you. These enemies lurk at every turn. Even my mother is one. Never one to withhold judgment, when she would overhear the intro music , she would give me a look of disgust and well, pity. "The music depresses me", she'd say, or simply, "I don't get it". Let's face it, the music is depressing. It is the quintessential soundtrack for mid-afternoon malaise, where one is on their third gin and tonic, still in one's bathrobe, and depending on the decade, has already consumed their 15 mg of Valium, Prozac, or Zoloft. Fair enough, mom, on some level, I don't get it either.

I first started watching Y&R in 1986 in my boyfirend's parent's basement. In the days of little choice in terms of programming; no pvrs, heck no VCRs even, we were a captive audience. It was on right after school, and gave us a reason to stow away to the privacy of the basement. It was not our intention to really watch the show, but as either a testament to the show, or my boyfriend not being able to capture my full attention, I became hooked. As the years have worn on, I have earmarked other devotees, people with that certain je ne sais quoi for their ability to deride the show, an abstract creativity that is appreciated by few. Of course, it also makes me feel a lot better about my own problem. Like with any guilty pleasure, there is solace in knowing that you are not alone. As for my boyfriend, I would love to know if he still watches the show, and if he does, he was way cooler than I thought.