Sunday, April 27, 2008

Buddhism is the New Black: Genoa City's Finest Attempt Enlightenment

The convoluted lives of Genoa City's Finest (GCF) keep us intrigued for another week (albeit how much is up for debate) with Neil continuing his fight to become the father of his daughter's baby (although this became a moot point come week's end when it turned out that Lily wasn't pregnant after all, as predicted by this blog); Adam continues his bid to belittle all things Newman by calling Victoria a narcissist; Phyllis becomes sloppy seconds after Victoria fires Sabrina as Reid's godmother and assigns the role to Phyllis (a surprising choice given that Phyllis had to have her own child taken away from her); Jana abandons her goth ways, her passion for ghosts and goblins, and her worship for serial killers for Buddhism, making a complete mockery out of this 2500 year old religion/philosophy; and Gloria and Jeffrey finally consummate their twisted relationship, leaving us wishing desperately we could have back those 30 seconds of our lives...

Karma Chameleon: Genoa City's Finest find Buddhism.
Gloria finds Buddhism through the guidance of her mentally unstable daughter-in-law Jana and decides she wants to give back by adopting a baby. This is all self-serving of course, as she admits that she is doing it to earn valuable Karma points. With Gloria's age bordering on offensive, will she live long enough to see the child's 2nd birthday?

Dialogue of the week.
The winner goes to a conversation between David and Nicki regarding the inappropriateness of Sabrina's presence at Reid's christening:

David: Victor's insensitivity is off the charts.
Nicki: It always has been.
David: You're handling it all with such grace.
Nicki: I think I liked him better when he was cutting up paper snowflakes...

Here here. Remember that kindler gentler Victor, bordering on developmentally challenged? How we miss him, and long for his return.

The runner-up prize goes to dialogue exchanged between J.T. and Paul as J.T. brags about Reid:

J.T. : Reid loves to look in the mirror.
Paul : Just like his dad...

Ouch. Nice work Paul.

Polizia di modo.
Genoa City fashion. Is that not an oxymoron? This week we saw that once again ne'er shall those 3 words be placed in the same sentence. And thus, Amber made a splash at Indigo wearing another one of her creations, an orange tutu with S&M embellishments. We've always said that no one does an S&M tutu better than Amber. Sharon made her own statement(of what exactly, we're not sure) in a Khaki sleeveless cargo dress complete with a collar reminiscent of batwings; Cane's skin tight silk shirt questions his suitability to be a father; Victor showed off his manliness in a black wife-beater in a post-coital moment with Sabrina, clearly too classy for the white variety more typical to a trailer park; and Nicki's fluorescent pink dress complete with shoulder pads had us blink our eyes and think we were back to 1986 again when we first started watching the show.

Wish of the week.
1. Alistair/John/Ghost is officially out of the picture, and if he does stay that he gets his eyebrows professionally shaped and waxed.
2. That the geriatric sex stops.
3. In order to counter a new trend in Genoa City of much older men dating younger women, we quite agree with It Never Ends reader, Jill, that Katherine and Adam should hook up.

Questions of the week.
1. Is there actually any wall space at the Victor Newman Contemporary Art Gallery for hanging art? It seems to us that it's all windows...perhaps the choice of the former loft wasn't such a good idea as a gallery. When will they figure this out? When they attempt to hang their first piece?
2. Did any one else notice the timing of when Lily finally realizes that she liked Chloe? Is it a coincidence that this comment came on the heels of Chloe telling Lily that she envies her?
3. Has the "death by chocolate" dessert from the club taken the place of the "smoothie" from Crimson Lights as the coveted dessert for GCFs?
4. How long until Sabrina, someone we assume likes to surround herself with all things modern, tries to redecorate the outdated claptrap that is the ranch?
5. Realistically what are the chances of Phyllis seeing Adam in NYC, a city with a population of over 8 million?
6. Does this mean that Reid now has two godfathers since both Nicholas, and Phyllis, Genoa City's resident half- man half beast were both approached by Victoria?

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Finding Genoa's City's G Spot

Genoa City's Finest (GCF) have sunk to new lows this week, behaving like a bunch of name-calling children in a school yard. Phyllis calls Adam "annoying", David is labeled a "pipsqueak"by Victor, Jeffrey refers to Alistar as a "pusillanimous pile of pickled pig poo", Jack admonishes Gloria as a "monster in mascara", Michael refers to his own mother as "the old hag", Victoria rebukes Sabrina as an "opportunistic tramp" for having slept with her father, and Kevin asks his hoodie-wearing mother if she has indeed "joined a gang".

We don't quite remember the name-calling taking such a vociferous tone, but admittedly, we find it rather cathartic. It is as if the characters are saying exactly what we are thinking, making it easier to reconcile our dedication to the show...

Mrs. Chancellor becomes a "great"-grandmother.
It Never Ends
reader, Buddysnuddys, could not have summed up the "crisis" that has become Lily's pregnancy any better:

"Why is Lily worrying so much about possibly raising a baby? I mean, if the kid is anything like Reid, Fen, or Summer it will either sleep all the time, have a permanent nanny/nurse/babysitter, or sit lazily on someone's lap stuffing its face with food. Even when it gets older, it can just sleep over at someone's house every night like Noah. I'm still surprised they haven't shipped that kid off to boarding school yet, only to return 6 months later when he's the more interesting age of 18."

We couldn't have said it better ourselves.

What is really creeping us out is not so much that Lily, a mere child herself, is going to have a baby, or that Cane, 12 years her senior (and just barely avoiding a statutory rape charge) is responsible, is that Neil wants to be the father to his daughter's baby. We here at It Never Ends are quite disturbed by Neil's twisted view of what is means to be "dedicated" to one's children. Karen looked just as disturbed when Neil asked her why she didn't want to raise Lily's baby with him. Our advice to Karen is to stop unpacking her boxes ASAP, get the hell out of dodge, and try to find solace in her romance novels she loves to read. Neil is bad news, and his parenting style needs to be brought to task as shown by the f%#$ up that has become his daughter. Case in point:

1. At 16, Lily was given an STD by a much older Kevin Fisher.
2. At 17, Lily began a relationship with Daniel after he was charged with vehicular homicide, fled to L.A. with said felon, and after a bout in boarding school, secretly eloped and married him.
3. At 19, Lily divorced Daniel after discovering his addiction to pornography.
4. At 20, Lily, recently divorced and failing college, is now pregnant by Cane, 32, whom she has been dating for a couple of months.

Keep up the good work, Neil. You should write a chapter in Lynne Spears' book on parenting.

The G Spot.
Gloria makes herself at home at The Genoa City Athletic club after giving the mansion over to Jack. She marks her territory by hanging her giant gold G on the wall, but given her new hoodie "gangsta" look, we quite think the giant gold G should be hung around her neck instead. She could then go by "G Spot" instead of Gloria Baldwin Fisher Abbott Bardwell Bardwell. Far more marketable we think.

Questions of the week.
1. What does the former curator of the Georges Pompidou Museum, Sabrina, think of Victor's portrait hanging in his office? So far this is the only piece of art we've seen that Victor owns, even though everyone keeps talking about his extensive collection. Is this portrait worth anything? Who is the artist? Why isn't Sabrina asking these questions? Is she too embarrassed to acknowledge its existence?
2. Now that John's ghost is leaving for good, where will he go?
3. Is anyone else impressed by the raw creativity of Adam's Beauty of Nature campaign? Notably, a welcome screen on the website with models in the Mojave desert lit by lightening bolts. Yes, you heard right, lightening bolts. Damn that boy's good.
4. What are the chances that Adam will actually be able to convince Scarlett Johansson be the next spokeswhore for Beauty of Nature? Approximately Nil?
5. Why is it that Snoop Dog will be making an appearance on One Life to Live, and the best Y&R can come up with are drips like Enrique Igelisias and Pat Benatar? We feel royally ripped off, and wonder if we've devoted the last 20 years to the wrong soap. He's even rerecording the One Life to Live theme song. What a jip.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Stuffed Sheep, Inflatable Flowers and Metallic Rabbits: Just Another Week in Genoa City

It was a week of firsts in Genoa City and we here at It Never Ends were there every step of the way. Genoa City will get its first museum of contemporary art thanks to Victor's new concubine, Sabrina. Considering Genoa City has never even had a museum this is certainly monumental. So our question is: who will actually go to the museum? Esther? Gina? Miguel? Daniel? Amber? Jana? Somehow we can't see any of these people being able to focus for more than a millisecond, let alone the amount of time it takes to understand cerebrally charged modern art. Does this mean a new set is in the works? Or will it be housed in secrecy like Victor's existing art collection? We are thrilled to think that this museum could be yet another venue where Genoa City's Finest (GCF) can discuss their trivial lives, but instead of doing so over mediocre food (GC Athletic Club), coffee (Crimson Lights), and music (Indigo), they can now do so while gazing at stuffed sheep housed in plexiglass, inflatable flowers and metallic rabbits.

Another first this week was witnessing Victor type, an activity we would have assumed was relegated to his underlings. Impressive, even if he does subscribe to the hunt and peck technique.

And lastly, this week was the first time we have seen inside the fridge in the Newman break room. A thrilling notion for us, until of course we saw its contents. For some reason, we had imagined a fridge chock full with every delicacy under the sun, because after all, this is Newman Enterprises, the pinnacle of civilization. The way people, (including those who don't even work there), help themselves to a seeming unending cornucopia of bottled water, apples and yogurt, we assumed that it would indeed be bountiful. Wrong. Thanks to a lingering Adam, the fridge was left open long enough for us to see the shocking paltry pickings, leaving us profoundly disillusioned with all things Newman. Is there not a Costco yet in Genoa City? A museum of Contemporary Art before a big box store? Shameful.

BPD for GCF.
According to our medical experts here at It Never Ends, Gloria Baldwin Fisher Abbott Bardwell Bardwell has officially been diagnosed with a Borderline Personality Disorder.

And thus, a Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD) can be defined as "a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity (sound familiar?).

"A person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day. These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse (as we saw with the day she spent by herself after her sons abandoned her, and how she binged on booze, chocolates, and sunk into a deep depression). Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values (sudden decision to sell house to Jack, withdrawal from work, and an appearance that makes her look more and more like a drag queen each week). Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy (hence the abusive way she talks to her own portrait, in the third person no less). They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are (ummmm yeah). Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone (hence being married five times, and calling her sons 20 times a day a piece).

"People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from great admiration and love to intense anger and dislike (and thus the rollercoaster that are her feelings towards Jeffrey).

"People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, (ahem) binge eating (aforementioned box of chocolates) and risky sex (think back to when she slept with one of the actors she hired to play her sons so John wouldn't know that Michael and Kevin were her real sons?)."

Get thee some medication. Fast.

Polizia di modo.
Fashion in GC continues to evolve, with Sharon leading the pack this week wearing a man's white dress shirt under a strapless black cocktail dress.

Quite frankly, we've never understood this look. What is it? A dress or a shirt? A shress? A dirt? Make a commitment already.

Looks like the plunging neckline is still going strong in GC as Brad wore a version of his own, showing a flawlessly waxed chest-- perfect attire for sexually harassing his new colleague, Heather Stevens.

Dialogue of the week.
After Victor's night of coitus with his daughter's best friend; 40 years his junior:

Victoria: Thank you for taking such good care of Sabrina last night.
Victor: Anytime.


Questions of the week.
1. Did anyone else feel a brewing rage when Victoria suggested to Sabrina that she move into the Loft? How stupid do they think we are? Do they really think we haven't figured out by now that the Loft is now the Restless Style offices? Likewise, do they really expect us to believe that Jack was actually going to buy a new house? We know by now that the producers avoid having to build new sets like the plague, so a new Abbott mansion? Hardly. It's far easier (and cheaper) to give the house to Jack and have Gloria Baldwin Fisher Abbott Bardwell Bardwell live out her days at the GCAC.
2. Bets are on that Lily will "accidentally" lose the baby either due to the stress of juggling modeling and school, or a "fall" or "accident"of some kind. Aren't all unwanted pregnancies in Genoa City dealt with in a similar manner?
3. Did we hear correctly, or did Karen actually admit aloud that she reads romance novels? Also, does her moving in with Neil mean that Dru is actually dead, and that she won't appear after a bout of amnesia, and a year or two spent living with hillbillies in the Ozarks?
4. Does anyone actually give a shit about Nicki and David Chow's relationship?
5. If Lily is trying to hide that she's pregnant, why is she continually clutching her abdomen?

Monday, April 7, 2008

Victor Sees the Creative Power of Anger (Mar.31-Apr.7)

Never underestimate the power of the viewing public. Last week here on It Never Ends, we commented on Lauren's glaring neglect of her first born (and much forgotten) son, Scottie, and voila, mere days later, Lauren receives a phone call from said discarded progeny. A coincidence? Perhaps, but we prefer to think that this blog was the impetus for Scottie to make that phone call home. Now that this contact has been made with Scottie, will anything actually come of it? Or is this just a token gesture to appease us? We are highly doubtful that a storyline involving Scottie will resurface without Sheila and her kidnapping ways, because otherwise, let's face it Scottie is as about as interesting as a sock, and a storyline sans Sheila just wouldn't cut it.

Polizia di moda.
Fashion in Genoa City has taken on a life of its own since the launch of the "groundbreaking" Restless Style, and we're here to report every painful detail. Who wants to read Lauren Fenmore's fashion column anyway? Puhlease.

And thus, the plunging neckline, worn by both sexes, took on a life of its own in GC this week, making us wonder if this show should be rated. Phyllis brought out her "ladies" in a plunging black number; a surprising choice for the workplace as well as for someone who is "concerned" about being hit on by her husband's half-brother. And likewise, representing the less fairer sex, Victor's chosen attire for a private art tour with Sabrina was a black dress shirt unbuttoned to his navel. Gold chains, and the outfit would have been truly complete.

So the question is now: who wore it better, Victor or Phyllis?

Modern Faart.
Do you remember the episode of The Brady Bunch when they went to Disneyland, and how strange it all seemed to see the family in a real location? And thus this week we were treated to an escape from GC's oppressive interior world to the actual Broad Contemporary Art Gallery in Los Angeles where Sabrina took Victor on a guided tour of an exhibit by Jeff Koons. Even more surreal than being on location with Victor Newman, was being privy to his trite comments on contemporary art...Such as...(with requisite Germanic mumble):

“Deceptively simple. Almost like Classical sculpture.”

“To be honest, it’s an acquired taste. One really has to get into it to begin to appreciate it.”

Un imagination d’enfant (The imagination of a child)”

“Anger sometimes is really good. A lot of people underestimate their anger, the creative power of anger. I think a lot of artists are basically very angry people and out of that anger comes creation very often”

And a prelude to a major make out with Sabrina (God help us):

“I guess if this artist has anything to say it’s that one can take the ordinary and turn it into something extraordinary. In other words, sometimes the extraordinary is right before our eyes.”

WTF? The cliche-o-meter was running painfully high, making it completely unbelievable that the former curator of the Georges Pompidou would fall for someone with such primitive views on art. Either that or she couldn't resist that provocative man-blouse.

Jeff Koons be damned. It is Victor, truly a fish out of water amongst these contemporary pieces, that is the real installation.

Gloria's To-do list Part II....
Imagine, if you will, randomly finding this to-do list on the ground:

1. Help steal DNA evidence
2. Hack into security system of corporate boardroom to obtain illegal evidence
3. Sabotage face cream and inadvertently kill someone in the process
4. Conspire to frame husband for my murder
5. Fall in love with a man I despise

Oh Gloria..when will you ever learn?

Questions of the week.
1. Was it really necessary for Victor to bark at the cleaner for vacuuming his office, making the poor sap jump and cower like a frightened animal? And secondly, why must we have to witness such abominable behavior?
2. How long until Heather Stevens slaps a sexual harassment charge against Brad Carlton, her new colleague at Jabot?
3. Did anyone else find it bizarre that Phyllis begged Nick to tell her why he loves her? Did you notice how Nick avoided an anwer by distracting the always-in-heat-Phyllis with a kiss?
4. How did Victor acquire a framed portrait of Adam already? We're not sure which collection of Victor's is more prolific: his never-been-seen-before art collection, or his 8x10 glossies of former lovers, wives, and children.
5. Is Lily's pregnancy with Cane's baby considered statutory rape? More disturbing perhaps; are we ready for Neil to be a grandfather and thereby control a whole new generation of Winters?
6. What was Miguel doing while Victor took advantage of his daughter's best friend in the living room of the ranch? Was he held captive in the pantry, waiting for his cue to bring out the dinner he was preparing? If Miguel had any sense at all he would seize the opportunity to provide the world with the much anticipated Victor Newman sex tape.