Sunday, December 23, 2007

Victor Yells At Nicki. Again. (Dec. 17-27)

This week Victor was the pompous arrogant son-of-a-you-know-what that we all know and love, all the while ignoring every social convention in the book. There was plenty classic Victor to go around this week, and I reveled in every moment. And thus the highlights:

1. Behavior reserved for mere commoners, Victor deems it unnecessary to identify himself when leaving messages. And thus his message to Michael: "Michael Baldwin, call me as soon as you get this message." Click. Then again, between the mumble and the strange Germanic accent, the act of identifying himself would be nothing short of superfluous.

2. Victor refers to Detective Sullivan as "Detective-whatever-the-hell-her-name- is". If that doesn't spell g-u-i-l-t-y, I don't know what does.

3. When complaining to Neil about the police investigating him, he claims that "the cops and the DA would like nothing more than a rich and famous guy on the stand and I guess that defines me." So much for humility.

4. Victor is caught talking to himself and to no one in particular (as Victor is apt to do): "You want to play with Victor Newman? I've got news for you: I can take all of you on..." Word up.

5. After Victor receives the papers that Nicki will be suing him for a half a billion dollars, he smashes a framed photo of Nicki circa 1985 (the shoulder pads and big hair give away the era, although, Nicki rode that style well into the 1990s...) in slow motion no less. Simply beautiful to watch.

6. Victor has a hissy fit in front of David and Nicki, "You're suing me for half a billion dollars? Are you out of your cotton-picking mind?" He throws a chair against the wall and continues: "You want to play me at my own game? You fasten your seat belt, you're in for the battle of your life; the battle of your pathetic life!" Simply classic.

Catherine works it out.

Catherine Chancellor hits the Genoa City Athletic Club this week for the first time. Dressed in head to toe athletic gear, she makes a deal with Amber to be her personal trainer in exchange for a free gym pass. All the weeks of having to sit through the monotony of Victoria in a coma and Noah's neurotic outpourings at every turn, Catherine doing a few curls with her perfect helmet of hair for protection and her age appropriate workout gear, was the perfect present for each and everyone of us. Although, what we didn't ask for was to hear Catherine say the following: "I have sweated in my life, but I assure you it was in far more pleasant activities..."
Catherine, is that really necessary?

Teach your children well.
Not known for his originality, J.T. shares some of the things that he wants to teach his son:
1. How to catch a ball
2. How to ride a bike.
3. How to have a sense of humour (he'll have to hire one of the writers for that)

With his tendency to lean towards the cliche, nothing on this list is surprising. Clearly, J.T. needs to branch out. Some suggestions of activities he could teach his son:
1. How to roll joints with one hand.
2. How to surf online porn (could always ask Daniel for some tips).
3. How to marry a rich girl.

Summer's First birthday.
Where to begin. First of all did you see the birthday gift that Summer's billionaire grandfather gave her? A toque. Yes, a lousy toque (or a wool hat if you live in the U.S.). Shouldn't someone with the size of his bank account be buying his granddaughter her own private island in the Caymen's? Again, a hat? Shame on you Victor. I see a T-shirt in Summer's future that reads: "My grand-father is Victor Newman, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

Also, what's up with the scene stealing cupcakes? They had more personality than everyone in the room combined. And did you get a load of how Nick ate his cupcake? With a fork! Who does that? All I know is that real men don't eat cupcakes, let alone with a fork. And if a real man were to eat a cupcake, he would do so in one bite.

Nicki talks pretty.
Nicki uses fancy works when trying to convince Jack to join herself and Chancellor Industries in suing Victor. "I promise you Jack, it would behoove you greatly to help us make our case as strong as possible". Pretty impressive for an ex-stripper wouldn't you say?

Lily the Partier.
Lily tries to prove to Cane how mature she is by claiming that "most girls my age are partying...I'm so over that!" What? When has Lily ever partied? Considering that she never has anything stronger than iced tea and that she is always studying, I'm not sure if she understands what she is saying. Unless of course she considers the time that Kevin and Daniel drugged her as the "partying" phase of her life? At least her best friend, Colleen, was a pothead in NYC for awhile. That I can respect.

Questions of the week.

1. How can one get a copy of the book, Ruthless, that was written about Victor? And if this book does exist as Nicki says, how is it that Victor didn't sue the publisher or buy every issue in existence like he did when Victoria posed as a centerfold and Victor bought up all the issues of the magazine, purchased the publishing company and had the publisher fired?
2. Why does Daniel always get stuck changing Summer's diaper?
3. Where did John get the festive Christmas moose sweater? Did he fetch it from the attic at the Abbott mansion expressly for his next "haunting"? I'm not sure what's scarier, his ghostly appearance, or a grown man wearing such a sweater...

Wish of the week.
More homoerotic workouts with J.T and Cane. Shirtless, sweaty and sharing the intimacy of their inner lives. Could J.T. be trying to make Brad jealous?

Remember When....
Victor hired pop/opera crossovers singers, Il Divo to serenade Nicki? She laments this "romantic" gesture this week, like it was a good thing. If she had any common sense, or any taste for that matter, she should have left Victor then and there.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Victor Gets His Panties in a Wad (Dec. 10-14)

This week Nicki stands up to Victor only to have him retaliate by having her loan called in. When Neil tells David the bad news, David makes the observation that when Victor "gets his panties in a wad, he goes for the jugular". And thus David wins the prize for conjuring up the most provocative image of the week. Nice work, David.

Let me count thee ways.
How many different ways can one respond to "How's Victoria?" Kudos to all those who are asked for trying to provide some variety in their answers:
1. "She's as well as can be expected under the circumstances"
2. "She'll be waking up any day now."
3. "She's a Newman...she's a fighter."

And so on.

Pat answers to token questions. It is obvious that people are moving on and they are asking how Victoria is out of obligation. I think given a little more time that answers will be more like:

"How's Victoria doing?"

1. "Who? Oh yeah, right. Victoria. The one that's upstairs right? Well, she's fine I guess. We've hired around the clock help, so thankfully it's pretty much out of our hands."
2. "She's great thanks to those silk pillowcases she has. Did you know that silk doesn't get dirty? That means we never have to wash them."
3. "How's Victoria doing? The daughter of mine who has been married three times and engaged twice before the age of 35, and is presently unmarried and doesn't know who the father of her child is? The one who is in a coma after being hit with a fake rock at the Clear Springs disaster? She's doing better, thank you."

My gay dads.
So the DNA test results were revealed and J.T. is the father. This is far from the end for Bradley though. While Victoria is in coma, he and J.T. can have free reign to raise the baby on their own. There is no question that Brad and and J.T. make the better couple. And let's face it, Victoria is too selfish to be a mother. She is too busy luxuriating in her coma, with her hair perfectly coiffed and indulging in around the clock care, to look after her baby. Coma shmoma. Victoria is on an extended holiday.

The terminator.
Is anyone else shocked to hear Kevin talking about the people that he knows that can have Jeffrey Bardwell "terminated with extreme prejudice" ? Who are these people that are capable of such a thing? Could it be Gina at the club? How about that guy that was waiting for her the other night so they could go on a date after her shift? Could it be Miguel? Perhaps it is Zapato, or Fisher? We certainly know what those dogs are capable of. Although, my vote does goes out to Jana's murderous brain tumour. It has killed before, and my God it will kill again.

Judgment Day.
Clearly Sharon has a lousy memory, otherwise how can she justify her self-righteous intolerance of Jack's misdeeds? Has it simply slipped Sharon's mind that during high school she was responsible for her mother being paralyzed in an accident? How about the fact that she had a baby at 16? How is it that she has forgotten that she cheated on Nick with Diego the stable hand; made out with her father-in-law; left town to find herself, abandoning her children; had an affair with Cameron Kirsten while her daughter was in a coma after nearly drowning; decided that at one point she wanted to become a stripper; and slept with her brother in-law, Brad Carlton? Somehow Jack lying about the fact that he secretly owned Jabot doesn't seem that bad anymore...

Questions of the week.
1. Do you think Victoria's baby can smell Victor's halitosis through the incubator?
2. Seriously. How many times has it been mentioned how J.T. smells and how he is in dire need of a shower? Poor bastard. And now with the drinking, he must smell like a Texas whorehouse.
3. Why is Kevin always in the boardroom? Does he not have his own office?

Wishlist of the week.
1. The police start looking towards Noah as a suspect in Ji-Min's murder. After all, he has access to both dogs, and with all of the trauma inflicted upon him from the lives of his hyper-dysfunctional parents, he is ready to snap.

Remember when....
Neil and Victoria were engaged? They seem to fail to mention that when they are talking about how Victoria lost a baby before. Even though it was Cole's baby, Neil was going to raise it with Victoria. How is it that Victoria has the ability to rope these men into agreeing to raise her babies when they may or may not be the father? It must be all that Newman money.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Nick Brings Out His Big Gun (Dec.3-7)

In an attempt to bamboozle Phyllis during a video game match, Nick threatens to bring out his "big gun". Back peddling for a G-rated audience, he adds that this would in fact be his "Alien Gun", a reference to the video game, Alien Gun. I tend to think otherwise. This type of comment is a cheap ploy to keep us all from turning off our TVs . Cheap sexual innuendos have a tendency to captivate people's attention. When the going gets rough (and thus the recent writing on Y&R), the sleazy obviously gets going.

Nick Never-Too-Sad-For-Sex-Newman.

Never one to turn down sex, Nick throws caution to the wind (or in this case sorrow to the wind) when our resident half man half beast, Phyllis, seduces him and distracts him from his comatose sister. Unfortunately for us though, we were flashed a close-up of Phyllis' six pack, leaving us to wonder how someone who had a baby mere months ago could possibly possess have such an attribute. Prison has been good to Phyllis indeed.

Victoria is dumped at the Ranch.
What's worse for Victoria? Being holed up at the Genoa City Hospital, or tucked away upstairs in the vortex of the second floor of the Newman Ranch? For Victoria's sake, we can only hope that a nurse-uniform wearing Miguel is up there to keep her company. Something tells me though we aren't going to be allowed up there to see, at least not until Amelie Henele's maternity leave is over.

Heather, champion of the fork.
Heather, the fork wielding, foreign film loving District Attorney alienates Cane for the last time. Could it have been the way she punctuated every sentence with her fork at the Eco-Fundraiser dinner, or the fact that she can read AND watch a movie at the same time? This is was the final straw for Cane. Clearly he is far more comfortable with a 19 year old girl who watches Will Ferrell movies and revels in all that is low brow. Cane's stock is going down, fast.

The Tack(y) House.
I just don't get it . Why do people who are worth millions live in a renovated tack house that is no larger than 2oo square feet of living space? Did you see their "kitchen"? Phyllis barely has enough room to fit Summer's high chair in there. Let's face it, real estate has got to be insanely cheap in old GC, let alone 40 minutes outside of town. What is wrong with these people? Look at Victoria. Well into her 30s and worth millions herself, she has never owned her own place. She lived with her parents on and off for years, as well as in the Tack house, (before the new renovations when they added a second story), Brad's outdated clap trap that looks like the backdrop of a Sears catalogue circa 1982, and most recently, the teenage crash pad known as "The Loft". And look where she is now. Freeloading back at her parents house. Coma or not, this has got to stop.

This week on the incubator cam.
The poor baby was forced to watch through the glass as his grandmother was being massaged by her lover, David. Get a room, Grandma.

Why Neil gets paid the big bucks.
After hanging up the phone with Victor, Karen asks Neil what the problem is. His answer? Are you ready for this?

"There are no problems, Karen, only answers".

Now there's a guy you want working for you! And to think, they almost didn't give him a seat on the board!

Questions of the week.
1. What happened to J.T.? Is he back at the loft getting things ready for when Brad brings the baby home from the hospital so they can start their new life together?
2. Does John have a crush on Sharon? He can't seem to stop talking about how "wonderful" she is to Jack, and how Jack doesn't deserve her. Did you see the way he was practically sitting on her lap in court? How about how he was spying on her when she was staying at the Ranch in an attempt to escape Jack? John's ghost is becoming creepy, and not in that creepy ghost way, but rather in that creepy creep way.

Wish of the week.
Did you see the way Nicki hesitated when the bartender asked her what she would like to drink? It's going to happen, I can feel it. My Christmas wish is coming true before my very eyes. Nicki's going to be back on pills and booze before you can say, "Christmas Miracle".

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Lily Channels Her Inner Dru (Nov. 26-30)

This blog is published weekly on Mondays.

So our favorite-girl-in-a-coma had her baby this week, and it has survived. Wishful thinking on my part would say that this is a sign that this storyline is coming to a conclusion. No such luck. Any hope I had of escaping this torment was dashed when it was revealed in the "teaser" for next week that Victoria will be moved to a long-term care facility. This does not bode well for any of us. I suspect that Victoria will remain in a coma until actress Amelia Heinle is finished her mat leave.

The Incubator Cam.
The POV from Victoria's baby's incubator is priceless. Safe within his incubator, this is a perfect vantage point for him to see Brad silently mouthing words of encouragement through the glass, Nicki trying to take pictures with her digital camera, (only to be blinded by the flash's reflection on the glass), J.T. looking lost in a suit, and so on. Without a doubt, the baby counts his blessings with every breath, most notably for the fact that there is glass and wire separating himself from these people.

Jana Jana Bo Bana.
I pray she and Kevin get married, if only to see Phyllis at her side as her maid of honor. Evidently, the relationship between Jana and Phyllis is more complex than I had originally thought. We never did get to see what went on in their cell when they were alone, and methinks it was not pretty. I suspect there was a little "you sure got a purty mouth" going on , with Phyllis the initiator and Jana the complier. Jana misses this one on one time, and to still feel connected with Phyllis has asked her to be a part of her wedding. As a prison bride she will have to be resourceful. Perhaps she should take a page from Julie Andrews' book from the "Sounds of Music" (an obvious role model for Jana, along with Charles Manson) and make her wedding dress out of prison issued curtains. Oh yeah, I forgot. Prisons don't have curtains.

Genoa City Freeloaders (GCF).
A good name for a Punk band? Perhaps. But unfortunately for Kevin, Genoa City's Finest (GCF) is interchangeable with Genoa City Freeloaders (GCF). Kevin seems to be running more of a charity for the rich and bored than a coffee house. The amount of comped coffee that goes on at Crimson Lights is astounding. And we're not just talking the plain cup of joe that used to be served when Sharon and Nick owned the joint. Now that Genoa City has become such a cosmopolitan and worldly place, they have graduated to the more expensive lattes, cappuccinos, mochas and the like. How does Kevin stay above the red then? My guess is that he's in cahoots with Victor Jr. and his South American cartel of coffee beans and perhaps a little white powder thrown in for good measure.

Nicki the Pill Popper.
Yet another addition to our growing arsenal of action figures. Nicki the Pill Popper is back. She was spotted gobbling up pills outside of the courtroom as she awaited the verdict of whether or not she would be allowed to kill her daughter. I would like more information about these pills. What kind of cocktail has she cooked up this time? Is Dr. Web in on it? He is on the Newman payroll isn't he?

Stoned Nicki. Could it be? Has my Christmas present come early? Stoned Nicki ranks right up there with Make-up-less Nicki and thankfully these two Nickis have a tendency to go hand in hand.

Bunny. Racket. Bunny Racket.
Where did these "nicknames " for Victoria come from? All of these years as Victoria grew up from a snotty-nosed brat, to a snotty-nosed adult, and not once have I heard her called "Racket" by Nick or "Bunny " by her mother. Victoria's coma seems to have had the opposite effect on those around her: people seem to be able to remember every single minute detail of their past with a crystal clear precision. Hell, Nicki even remembered that some 30 years ago, Victoria used to kick her left leg as a baby, just like Victoria's baby now does. A mind like a steel trap our Nicki Newman. Again I ask. What are in those pills?

Y&R Drinking Game, Part 3.
When Victoria's monitor goes off to indicate that death is imminent (and to jostle us all out of our own coma like state), don't take just a drink, but a go to town, drink the rest of whatever bottle it is that you are drinking. You've earned it.

Victoria's BP
The doctor mentioned Victoria's "BP "with the assumption that we all know what BP stands for. The obvious answer of course, is Blood Pressure as this has been an ongoing issue for her (God knows why considering all she does is lie there), but some other possibilities for this acronym could be:

Bi-Polar: Perhaps this is a more appropriate diagnosis for Victoria. After all it does run in the family, thanks to her father.
Bring Pillow: And that they did. A satin one at that. No wonder she doesn't want to wake up, with the comfort of that satin under her perfectly coiffed hair. This pillowcase captivates my attention more than the storyline itself. Does one need a doctor's prescription for such bed linen?
Buy Pickles: Perhaps bringing pickles to Victoria's bedside will bring Victoria out of her coma. Remember how much she loved pickles when she was pregnant? Imagine a pregnant lady, eating pickles? Precious! In professional circles it is commonly known that Dr. Web is doing research at John Hopkins on the highly controversial and experimental pickle procedure to rouse pregnant coma patients. What have they got to lose at this point?
Blatant Punishment: Is that what Doctor Web has ordered for all of us viewers as we are forced to be bedside with a comatose Victoria and her morose entourage week after week?

My gay dads.
Seriously. We shouldn't be that worried about Victoria waking up in order to look after her baby. J.T and Brad have got it covered. Did you see the way they "worked together" this week? Cooperative, and sensitive to each others needs. Brad could move into the loft with J.T. and they could raise the baby there. Victoria, the tribe has spoken.

Faces of Dru.
A "brilliant" new beauty campaign was thought up this week by Jill: Faces of Jabot...the Beauty is You. Sound familiar? Jill, inspired by Lily's "natural beauty", seems oblivious to the existing Dove Campaign for Real Beauty and is setting herself up for yet another lawsuit for Jabot. In an effort to motivate Lily to enter the contest, Colleen encourages her to"channel her inner Dru" -a scary prospect indeed. What does this mean for Lily? Embracing a mental illness? Cultivating an ability to make every single person in the room hate her? Turning herself into an obsessive, jealous, spiteful and violent, verging on psychopathic, hat-wearing weirdo? If so, then bring it on. It's time Lily evolved as a character.

Questions of the week.
1. If one is mentally impaired, do those disabilities carry through when one becomes a ghost? Would that mean then that John Abbot's ghost is still confused? Is that why he keeps showing up?
2. Why are Zapato and Fisher not being questioned for Ji-Min's murder? Dog hair was found on the body, so obviously they did it. Or perhaps it was Jana's brain tumour that did it?
3. Is it just me, or did Amber's disguise place her as a cross between a 1980s Lauren Fenmore and Darth Vader?
4. Is it supposed to be comforting to Brad and J.T. that Noah too was a preemie?

Wish list of the week
1. Starbucks comes to Genoa City and wipes out Crimson Lights.
2. I get invited to be one of Cane's 141 friends on "My Space "

Vocabulary of the week.
The Nick: What the staff at Crimson Lights have named Nick's over-ordered extra-thick strawberry milkshake with whip cream. Yes. For real.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Chicken Adobo: Friend or Foe? (Nov.19-23)

This blog is published weekly on Mondays.

Worlds without end, this is what we expect from soap operas, except of course when there's a writer's strike. What pray tell will I do when this world I have relied upon to unravel the mysteries of life, cometh to an end, albeit temporarily? How will I pick up the pieces of my own life?

Chicken abozzo.
Is it just me, or was Karen just a little too excited about her chicken adobo dish? She mentioned it countless times, with a passion that was bordering on, well, strange. Instead of having her eat with the Winters on Thanksgiving, it would have been far more entertaining to see her eating her chicken adobo, alone, off of a TV tray as she watched old Rockford Files reruns. Now that's something to be thankful for.

Some of Genoa City's Finest (GCF) gathered at Lily and Devon's and were forced ONCE AGAIN to eat Genoa City Athletic Club take-out (ordered by Neil after another botched cooking attempt by Lily). Neil shared one of the Winters' traditions where "every year we gather around the table and say what we are grateful for". And thus the guests' responses:

Noah: "I am grateful that the drugs are finally working and that my clinical depression has lifted."
Sharon:" I am grateful that I am looking and acting more and more like a Stepford wife. It is important to shed any kind of personality whatsoever as I find it just gets in the way".
Jack: "I am grateful that my own son lives with my ex-wife, Diane Jenkins, and that I don't have any responsibility towards him at all. I am glad that my present wife Sharon is unaware that I have another son".
Karen: "I am thankful for my only true friend in this world, my chicken adobo".
Neil: "I am grateful that Karen still puts out, even though I have an impulsive tick where I can't stop talking about my dead wife."
Cane: "I am thankful that I am a wealthy Chancellor and that I am eating Thanksgiving dinner in this shitty little kitchen, in a shitty little town called Genoa City, with this shitty food from an overrated Athletic Club".
Lily: "I am thankful that even though I was voted as one of the worst soap opera actors on daytime television, I haven't been booted off the show like my best friend Colleen (number 2) was".
Devon: "I am thankful that I have fewer and fewer lines each episode as it gives me more time for whores and coke on my days off".
Chicken Adobo: "I am grateful for all of the air time I have been given, despite my status as an obscure Filipino dish".

Brad Carlton: Guardian to the Fetus
Sounds like a video game doesn't it? In her attempt to save the fetus, Nicki has appointed Brad its guardian. As a video game, I think this really works. I can totally see it. Brad's video game persona would be shirtless (of course) holding a rocket launcher, holed up in the hospital waiting room, blowing away anyone who comes near the fetus. His characters' downfall would be a scantily clad Sharon and randomly planted mirrors that would serve to distract him with his own image.

Jack calls blog readers and video game players losers.
Easy Senator. You're going to alienate 90% of the voters, not to mention your own video game- addicted stepson, Noah. And thus the damning words:

"So every online loser without a life is going to set aside their video games and ignore their blogs long enough to inundate the ethics committee with ignorant indignation."

Yikes. Them's fightin' words.

Phyllis' breasts.
It was great to see Phyllis' breasts at the hospital this week to offer comfort to Victoria and support for Nicholas. Thanks for coming out, but the team doesn't need you this year...

Nick makes coma small talk.
Is it not strange to be asking someone in a coma how their Thanksgiving holiday is going? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't being in a coma kind of like a holiday in itself? No dishes to do, no dry cleaning to pick up, no plants to water, no chicken adobo to make? The downside being of course, is that you are a captive audience and there is no escape from the incessant bedside chatter of your captors.

Genoa City Prison Blues.
Didn't Johnny Cash once play the Genoa City prison? Such would be the perfect pick-me-up for our despondent Jana, freshly abandoned by her abuser and cell mate, Phyllis. As Johnny Cash is no longer available for prison tours, perhaps Danny Romolati could do it? His career is in desperate need of a revival and this could be precisely what he needs.

Questions of the week.
1. Now that Phyllis is an ex-con, will she be able to leave the country?
2. Does it bother Brad that J.T has slept with both his (once) wife and his daughter?
3. Do people in Genoa City ever let their phones go to voice mail, or do they always answer the call, even at the most inopportune times?
4. Does Phyllis actually pay Michael for his hundreds of hours worth of legal fees, or is her "friendship" payment enough?
5. Do Gloria and Kevin seem to be acting less and less like mother son and more like an old married couple?

Wish list of the week.
1. Neil and Karen are out as a couple and Neil and Gina are in. Did you see the kiss (on the lips no less) that Neil planted on Gina when she was able to provide him with take-out turkey? I have a feeling that Gina has more take-out in store for Neil, if you know what I mean.
2. Victoria wakes up soon, before I officially no longer give a shit.

Amber brings it home.
When Daniel invites her to go to the hospital with him for Thanksgiving dinner as an option to her eating alone, she dismisses the idea entirely:

"Oh great, waiting for a comatose pregnant lady to wake-up...give me two helpings of that!"

Couldn' t have said it better myself, Amber.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Gloria Reminds Her Son That She is a Sexual Being (Nov.12-16)

There was a lot of response to the proposed Y&R action figures mentioned in the last post. Here are some of the ideas suggested for additional figures and accompanying accessories:

Reader April's list of possible accessories for the Victor doll is impressive: removable eyeglasses, pitcher and water glasses, window with blinds on stand, portrait of himself, file folders with the Newman Enterprises and Clear Springs logos, anti-seizure medication vial, President's chair, trousers with change in the pockets, punching bag on stand, black tank top, cellphone with "You're Still the One" as Nikki's ringtone, and basketball and hoop. Given the upcoming holiday is approaching, one reader suggested a Christmas edition Victor where one could purchase his snowflake collection with miniature scissors and a drawer to hide them in. For a more high-tech effect, reader Paula, suggested a figure with Victor pointing his finger and a voice that says, "You got that????!!!!"

Let's not forget Daniel and his porn addiction. Reader Lori suggested his action figure come with porn videos (sold separately, of course).

I'm telling you, we're onto something big.

Gloria's make-up
Is it me or is Gloria's make-up taking on a life of its own? Imagine looking at that mess from an inch away as Jeffrey Bardwell has had to this past week in his attempts to bed her.

New Drinking Game.
When the writing becomes truly unbearable as it is apt to do, there is always solace in the Y&R inspired drinking games. We have already established the flip phone game, and now, the "I Get That" game: every time a character attempts the empathetic response of, "I get that", (so very Oprah), take a drink. Hell, take two.

Bedside Nicki.
Ok. I won't be too hard on Nicki because she's had a pretty rough week with the decision to kill her daughter and all, but let's face it, Bedside Nicki is a very scary entity indeed. In addition to the shock it is to see her without make-up, her tightly pulled and greased ponytail has upped the ante. You've got to had it to David Chow for still being interested, especially as this is the second Bedside Nicki he has experienced (Nicholas was the first mere episodes ago). He can't be into her for her money, as she has none left after the Clear Springs debacle.

Clearly, Nicki Newman is good in bed.

Neil "Smooth Operator" Winters.
Neil, you're scaring me. Last week you mentioned your dead wife to Karen in a post-coital moment, and this week, well, let's let your words speak for themselves:

Karen reveals that she will be in town for her favorite holiday, Thanksgiving, and makes an overture to spend it with you. Your response?

"I think I'm going to need that distraction, this is the family's first Thanksgiving without Dru".

A distraction? For the love of God Neil, even if it is true, don't tell her that she is only a distraction to you...

Stop it, you are getting into trouble now.

Best mispronunciation.
As David Chow bites into an apple, Neil tries to impress upon him his highfalutin ivy league education : "It [the apple] is not exactly haute cuisine, now is it?"

Impressive Neil, but too bad you pronounced it as "Hot" Cuisine and not haute cuisine. Must be a Genoan affect, or more likely, an impediment.

Gloria's to do List.
A person's "To-Do" list can be a window into their soul. "Buy cat food", "Dryclean wedding dress", "do taxes", "change oil in car". The author of such a list could be a married cat owner, who drives and is either a law abiding tax payer or is in the process of being audited. So what would the list that Gloria was working on reveal if one were to find it randomly on the street?

1. Get Jeffrey a job in the Hong Kong office.
2. Seduce Jeffrey and get contaminated cream.
3. Frame Jeffrey for a crime.
4. Continue to live with son and his new wife despite the fact that I am worth millions.
5. Remind my youngest son that I am a sexual being.
6. Get another face lift.


She's crafty.
Phyllis gets out her sexual frustration through making prison crafts consisting of a badly made pillow for Victoria and an equally hideous dollhouse for her daughter. What's next? A prison made porno movie for her son? A crocheted muzzle for Noah? A new portrait of Victor to replace the one in his office? Phyllis, for everyone's sake, do not quit your day job.

Questions of the week.
1. Who stocks the fridge in the Break Room at Newman Enterprises? Is it a free for all, or do employees have to contribute to a fund? And if so, how do the employees feel about guests like Lily helping themselves to whatever they want at each visit?
2. Is it really that "funny" or "cute" that most of the women on the show are bad cooks? How many "jokes" have there been about how Phyllis, Lily, Victoria, Gloria and Colleen are unskilled in the kitchen? Is being a modern woman and being able to cook mutually exclusive?

Wish list.
1. Jana realizes that she's in an abusive relationship with Phyllis, that Phyllis is her oppressor, sheds the Mary Poppins routine and kicks some serious prison ass.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Displaced Gas (Oct.31-Nov. 9)

This blog will be published weekly on Mondays.

So the theory of what caused the Clear Springs disaster has finally been explained. Desperately needing a "Victor to English" Dictionary, it was difficult to decipher the details, but from what I can gather, Genoa City's Finest (GCF) went up in an ignited earth fart.

Victoria's coma.
Please, please Victoria, for our sakes, wake up. No more bedside anecdotes about how Victor hired a plane to "skywrite" a message for you to come home when you ran away as a child. Clearly, Victoria, you are contemplating checking out, and how can we blame you when these people populate your world?

Anymore bedside "chats" and I will be slipping into a coma myself.

A morphing Nicki Newman.
Is it just me, or does the make-up less Nicki look more and more like Paul Williams with each episode?

Victor drills for gas.
Everyone keeps speaking of Victor drilling for gas. I know logically that they are referring to the fact they hired crews to do it for him, but an image of him drilling shirtless, wearing his jeans and his hard hat, keeps coming to mind. The writers have surely missed a golden opportunity.

Paul's briefcase. *
How many years have we had to endure Paul's metal briefcase? I can remember as far back as when he was with Christine, so over 10 years? This style of attache screams, I am a power player, but a little bit different than your average corporate type. Or simply, I am carrying explosives.

Lily Winters. The Young and the Talentless.
Recently, Christel Khalil was nominated as one of the worst actors on daytime television. Her fake eyelashes have more range than she does. Poor Lily. First her mother dies, then her marriage breaks up, then an overwhelming bout of loneliness, and now this.

Lauren chooses sex over Enrique Iglesias performance.
I have a whole new respect for Lauren. She practically begged Michael to not go to Enrique's "sold-out" show at Indigo and stay home. She even tried to entice him with sex. Michael would have none of it. In the end she had to go and endure the "Clear Springs Relief Benefit" with a resulting panic attack. The funds raised from the audience of 30 must have been staggering.

So many sideways glances, so many dissolves, so little time.

Kindly stop.
Have you ever noticed how often Victor uses the word kindly? "Kindly shut the door behind you", or "Kindly get the hell out of here", or "Kindly trim my moustache a little more on the left", or "Kindly cinch my jeans up higher around my waist."

Victor, for the love of God, kindly stop saying kindly.

Maggie's mysterious stomach pain.
They are trying to pass off the fact that this pain is caused by an old gunshot wound inflicted by Phyllis, I mean Sheila. I don't think this is the cause. I think that it is more likely a reaction to Paul admitting that the best concert he's ever seen was Steely Dan.

The most overused phrase of the week:
The whole time I was trapped down there, I .......

Possible theory: *
Are they setting Cane up to be the next Victor? Think about it:
1. They were both orphans
2. They both have unidentifiable accents that vary in strength and origin.
3. Both are prone to mumbling
4. Both abused as children (well, Cane abused in the sense that he had no running water and had to live in the outback of Australia)
5. Both good with the ladies (or so they think)

Y&R Action figures.
Think about the possibilities. Collect them all. Esther in her maid outfit. Larry Warton with his wife-beater singlet and tool set (sold separately), Colleen 1,2 and 3, Devon and his cochlear implant (sold separately), Noah complete with smoothie, Zappato carrying a shoe, Miguel carrying Victor's slippers. The Victor doll would be the most coveted. It would come with removable "masks" that would illustrate the complexity of his character: Angry Victor, Sad Victor, Remorseful Victor, etc. The box would read: "He yells! He mumbles! He cries! He skywrites messages! He flower arranges! He assaults people! He dials in his performance!

Dru Who?
Well, Neil has officially moved on, as sex with another woman would indicate. But has he? Moments after "making love" to Karen (god, give me the strength to endure), he mentions his dead wife. Real smooth Neil.

Wish List:
1. John Abbott's ghost would appear with a sheet over his head like a real ghost. *
2. Sharon keeps the limp. This affect could lend a sort of Lynchian influence to Sharon's increasingly benign character. Think Patricia Arquette in Lynch's Lost Highway.
3. Victoria wakes up from her coma so Nicki will start wearing make-up again.

Questions of the week.
1. How much longer until Devon's hearing is cured and his cochlear implant removed? *
2. Where is Miguel? Is he waiting in the pantry, denied bathroom breaks, waiting, waiting, for any request that the Newman's may require of him?

Remember when...
Kevin Fisher was a creep who preyed on underage girls via the internet? Those were the days indeed.

Vocabulary of the week.
mise-en-abîme: Most any "story-within-a-story" situations can be called an example of mise-en-abîme. A literary term denoting self-reflection. Remember that old Quaker Oats box, with the picture of the Quaker holding a box of Quaker Oats, which in turn pictures a Quaker holding a box of Quaker Oats ad infinitum?

An example of mise-en abîme occurs when J.T reassures a comatose Victoria that he has been certain to record her favorite show for her: "that horrible guilty pleasure that only Nick and I know about...God forbid you should ever miss an episode." Sound familiar? Is not Y&R all of that and more for us poor addicted saps? They were referring to us. Are we being mocked?

* Inspired by observations made by friend, Jen.

Friday, November 9, 2007


Due to being completely speechless after the Enrique Iglesias appearance, my next post will not be until Monday, Nov.12th.

In case you were wondering, I will be posting once a week on Mondays, with a full analysis of the previous week's episodes.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Nicki Tells J.T. to Take a Shower (Oct.26-30)

There is truly nothing worse than a hospital scene. Wrought with cliche, they punish the audience with exaggerations of love, pleadings with God, contrived anecdotes, confessions, tears, apologies....with all misdeeds forgiven and forgotten. These scenes have to rank amongst the lowest forms of entertainment. The fall out from the Clear Springs disaster has therefore been catastrophic for me. With 80% of the cast injured, we have had to endure entire episodes taking place in the hospital with the camera roving from Noah's hospital room, to Victoria's, to Adrian's to Brad's to Jack's and back to Noah's again. It is during these moments that I truly question my commitment to the show. As one reader of the blog so aptly put it, to stop watching the Y&R is harder than quitting heroin. Although, heroin would certainly help make these hospital scenes more bearable...

Bedside Victor.
A predictably kindler, gentler Victor emerges when he is at a loved one's hospital bedside. As he hovers over Victoria from behind, this Victor has the demeanor of a creepy hospital janitor taking a stolen moment alone with a patient.

On an up note, it looks like Victor's mumbling kettle is set to boil again. Evil doers beware.

Who loves Victoria more? J.T. or Nicki?
J.T. shows his commitment to Victoria by forgoing bathing to be by her bedside. Not to be one-upped by her future son-in-law, a make-up-less Nicki (yikes!) orders J.T. to go home and shower as well as change his clothes (the same clothes that he was wearing while trapped in the collapsed parking garage days ago.... ).

Most absurd moment.
Brad with bandages on his eyes, carrying on a conversation like nothing's wrong. Sharon asks, "Are you sure you're ok?" My sentiments exactly.

Most pathetic moment.
Is this what J.T. music career has been reduced to? Listening to (what I presume to be) his own demo tape (on a cassette player no less), in the parking lot of the Genoa City Hospital? What happened to his music career in Los Angeles? We had such high hopes for J.T., as did Shiloh, the record producer ( the inspiration for Brangelina's Shiloh???Could it be???????????????)

CT scan vs. Chemo.
Jack shows undying commitment to Noah as he forgoes a CT scan to visit him. Speaking of other hospital treatments, where is his son Chemo? The one he conceived with a Vietnamese woman during his tour in Vietnam ? And Kyle? Why is he so committed to Noah, but seems oblivious to his own sons, the ones that were born from the fruits of his own loins?

John Abbot's Ghost.
John is looking particularly tanned for a ghost, wouldn't you say? I think as an audience we assume that he made it though the pearly gates, but I would argue otherwise. After all, he did kill a man, didn't he?

Paul and Maggie. Paggie. Maul.
Did anyone else feel the need to look away? I felt embarrassed for them and embarrassed for myself. It did confirm for me though what I have always though about Paul- his real calling is not a PI, but rather a PG: porno guy.

My sympathy goes out to:
The hospital staff who have to endure harassment and belittlement from Genoa City's finest. From Colleen telling Adrian's nurse to "please take care of him..." (Ummm....what the hell do you think I'm doing here, beyotch?), to Victor undermining the doctors by flying in a specialist, to Sharon's easily fulfilled request of "please save my son's life!" This staff has an incredible amount of pressure on wonder there's such a high turn over of doctors on the show.

Wish list:
1. Noah's voice box was removed instead of his spleen.
2. That the hospital staff doesn't allow any outside food so the much hyped and anticipated "extra-thick" strawberry milkshake won't make it to Noah's bedside. Smoothies and other milk based beverages have more charisma and appeal than our Noah, and I fear him being upstaged.
3. More screen time for Esther and that they would get her back in that degrading maid's uniform.
4. As a way to relieve some of her sexual frustration, Phyllis xeroxes her own ass and gives it to Nick in a corporate file folder during one of their high powered meetings that Newman Enterprises is so famous for.

Question of the week.
1. How will Phyllis stay current fashion-wise while she is on her prison work-release? She referred to her prison jumpsuit as a "'fashion don't", so it is obvious that being fashionable matters to her. Does she have a personal shopper, and if so, does she describe her style to him or her as corporate slutty?
2. Does John Abbot's ghost ever "appear" when Jack and Sharon are intimate?
3. Is it advisable for Noah to gorge himself on Halloween candy moments after he's had is spleen removed?

Creepy website.
And for the piece de resistance, Newman Enterprises has their own website. On it are updates of all of the "casualities" from Clear Springs. Demented.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Crystal Methane: The Downfall of Clear Springs (Oct. 18-26)

First of all, I have to say how disturbed I was to hear the name "Iggy Pop" come out of not only Victoria's mouth, but J.T.'s as well. How would Iggy feel about boy-band loving J.T. referring to him as the "grandfather of punk"? This simply cannot be. Ne'er shall these two worlds meet. It is just wrong.

There is so much yet so little to say about the last few episodes. But is that not a metaphor for the show overall? For our lives?

The Highlights:

1. Mary Mary quite contrary.
Forget the explosions, the roving underground camera, the reconciliations, the confessions or Victor saving the day, Mary Williams was brought back into the fray through a story told by Lauren. Just think, that vitriol spewing, church going, sausage making, puritanical beyotch could be making her way back into Paul's life and thus our own! Oh and how she could make mince meat out of seemingly infallible Maggie: "So, you're saying that you work outside of the home?", or "Is that a pistol in your pants or are you just happy to see me?", or "Paul needs a more feminine woman, such as myself." I can just see it. Although, since Paul has been on the show since 1978 (!), that would mean that he is OLD and that if his mother is still indeed alive, she could require assisted living. Perhaps moving in with Paul and Maggie could help her ailing ways. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

2. Visualize this
Genoa City's finest show their spiritual side as well as their ability to use a 6 syllable word: visualization. Jana urges Phyllis in her moment of frustration over not being able to save the day at Clear Springs to use visualization techniques. Phyllis then visualizes Nick with his shirt off. Likewise, Paul urges a trapped and anxious Lauren to visualize happy thoughts, as does David with Nicki over the fate of a missing Victoria. Taking their cue then, I am going to visualize a better world where I don't have to look at Paul Williams' hair plugs.

3. Mrs. C is a whore.
Her life could be over at any time. Any second, one of those fake concrete blocks could come crashing down, and what does she choose to mull over? The defining moment of a life lived: an erotic encounter with one of her stable boys. My god. What an image. This, coupled with her being hoisted up the elevator shaft, I felt an unfettered joy, like no other.

Wishlist of the week
1. Amber's "fashion" designs and demo tape have been lost in the debris.
2. The producers auction off the rubble from the collapsed parking lot set on eBay. Much like the Berlin Wall, this is truly an historic moment, worthy of expensive commemoration.

Question of the week
1. Can anyone please enlighten me as to why it is only Mrs. Chancellor who gets to call J.T, Jeffrey-Todd? Is it because she is the epitome of "class", and it is only the declasse who use abbreviations and nicknames? Case in point, Esther the maid, representing the "underclass", refers to Mrs. Chancellor, simply as "Mrs. C".

Dialogue to be, quite frankly, ashamed of
Maggie: Guess who I was talking to while you were upstairs?
Paul: I don't know, who?
Maggie: Your ex-wife.
Paul: Which one?

Oh Paul. Are you not the least bit embarrassed that you have been married four times? How many other secrets have you not told our detective, Maggie? What about the time in 2002 when you raped Christine? How about the fact that you have a son Ricardo who lives with the parents of your psycho ex-wife and you never visit him, let alone mention his name? Do you not feel shame? How about how year after year you managed to slowly whittle away any self-esteem that your devoted secretary Lynne may have had? Not to mention your inability to tell your adult daughter that she is in fact your daughter, and that you are not some overly attentive creep asking her out for dinner? I have three words for you, Maggie: Major Red Flag.

Cause for concern.
I had a horrible thought. What happens if all of the characters follow Nicki's lead and switch to Blackberries? What will happen to our flip phone drinking game? (see post Nicki Realizes that she's Smart)

Vocabulary of the week.
Hoti: A name suggested to J.T. by Victoria for her baby...It means "restless" in Hopi. Get it? restless, as in Young and the Restless? Wow.

Addressing your questions.
Estheristhebester asks some very important questions this week (see her comment):

Q. Malcolm came back from being lost in Africa for 4 years. LOST IN A RIVER IN AFRICA. (as Drew was lost in a river in Wisconsin) and then he returns tatooed and angry..and he worked at CRIMSON LIGHTS?? and then...where did he go? He just didn't show up for work one day and that was that.

A. Did you not see the episode when Malcolm was fired for refusing to make smoothies?

Q. OR more recently we have the big story line, totally got me, moved me, made me address my own mortality- The Death Of Nicholas. It was WOW, thank you for that. THEN it gets even better with the whole lost in the wilderness (outside of....Detroit). Close to death. and then the miraculous return...Logan...memory loss...he has to deal with Cassie's death all over again...the way he looked at Sharon...the longing reflected the longing of us all. Get back together. Fight for your past. Redeem yourself for your mistakes Nick. Wrap us up in the Nictor-esque story of this lost love. and then----------no memory comes back but he..yeah, "gets" why he loved Phyllis. WHAT?

A. I think he fell in love with Phyllis again after he learned that she plays video games, is a shitty cook, and is perpetually in heat. And with the addition of prison, CAGED heat at that.

Q. Victor Jr.

didn't they allude to him being in Columbia involved with some drug cartel? I KNOW they did and yet. What? Where is he? Kansas? Was he executed and his fingers mailed back to Hope as a warning? Did I miss something.

A. I think it was actually his fingernails and not his fingers that were mailed to Hope. Being blind, Hope mistook them for poker chips and bet them away in her weekly Friday night poker game.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Nicki Realizes That She's Smart.

It looks like my wishes have come true; well half true anyway. Victor has started his post-divorce "mending" ways, his inner Mr. Hyde has emerged, and he is now expressing interest in making cradles, giving away baby naming books, playing on-line chess with a "colleague" (and winning of course!), and making jokes about his grand-daughter Summer inheriting his moustache! As far as my hope for Nicki to revert back to her pill-popping ways, it could still be a possibility. In an attempt to convince Nicki to not give up on her marriage, Catherine points out that Victor has always been by her side and has loved her through thick and thin...even when she was strung out. Please Nicki, do everyone a favour and realize that Victor's love is unconditional and get thee to a pharmacy!

Phicholas. Phick. Nichyllis.
So Phyllis gets her work release. Where were the cameras when she went into the warden's office to "negotiate" ? Clearly, Phyllis is in heat. Prison heat. Not sure if I can handle watching Nick and his Prison Wife get it on at work. This is going to be truly painful and it is not going to end well for any of us.

CC. Colleen Carlton.
I noticed that the first Colleen has made the jump to night time television and is now playing a character on Desperate Housewives. I guess Y&R is a sort of launching pad as she joins the ranks of another questionably skilled Y&R alumni, Eva Longoria. So it got me many Colleens have there been? The first, a baby-faced brat who we got to see "experiment" with marijuana when she lived in NYC; the second, an overweight heavily-made up Colleen, where the poor production crew had to pull out every stop possible to avoid an "ass" shot (rumour has it that she found out that she has been fired from a voice mail message), and now the third, an over-sexed, better looking Colleen with a bizarre rendition of the "high-class mullet" (see post, The End of Nictor) . The interchangeability of actors playing the same character is unsettling. Much like buildings that get torn down, we never remember what was there before.

Dialogue worth revisiting.
Nicki: I have been a business woman for years now, I am such a ridiculous cliche. I know. I know. I have run for office, I'M SMART, I know that I'M SMART. If only Victor could recognize that.....
Catherine: Even when you were dependent on pain killers, Victor never left your side.

Way to go Catherine. Way to knock down your friend in her moment of enlightenment. For the first time in her life, she realizes that she's "smart" and you just had to go and remind her of her weaknesses didn't you?????

Questions of the week.
1. Is it me, or is it kind of creepy that the District Attorney likes to hang out with college kids?
2. How is it that the Clear Springs construction site is so squeaky clean?
3. Anyone else sense sexual tension between the corrupt foreman and Gay.T?
4. How do Lily, Daniel and Colleen feel about going to college in the Walnut Grove High School set?
5. Who would win in a fight: Fisher or Zapato?

Wish list of the week.
1. Start a Y&R drinking game. Whenever a character dramatically shuts their "flip phone", take a drink.

Vocabulary of the week
Zapato: For those of you who missed the episode when Victor named his dog, it means shoe in Spanish. Yes, shoe. Victor named his dog shoe, because why? Because his dog likes to play with shoes. Yes, that's right. This was a kinder, simpler Victor. A Victor with a child-like innocence that bordered on developmentally challenged. Poor Zapato. How humiliating.

Monday, October 15, 2007

The End of Nictor

So here it is, the end of our precious Victor and Niki. After all these years of marriage, children, break-ups, cheating, drug addiction, jail...and somehow I find myself not giving a crap. I wish Victor would go back to his flower arranging, bookcase making ways, and Niki back to her pill-popping, alcoholic ways: the two of them had way more to offer then.

I am very concerned for Sharon. Clearly there is something wrong with her hair. A short shelf in the front and a long mane trailing down her back. What is it? Short or long? Long or short? A short-long? I couldn't quite put my finger on it until my friend Jen put it perfectly: a high class mullett. She needs to make a trip to Madison, fast.

Phyllis. Prison Phyllis. No make-up Phylis. Contemplative Phyllis.
Clearly, she and the warden are attracted to one another. I am seriously hoping for some prison sex.

Far too much air-time. Please stop.

Gay-T and Victoria.
Engaged. Huh. Apparently in real life they are a couple as well. This makes me as confused as Thad Luckinbill is apparently about his own sexuality.

Tracy Abbott.
I know she wasn't in this week's episodes, but is she punk rock or what? The pink hair? Has Divine been exhumed? NYC has been very good to her indeed.

This week's wish list:
1. Larry Warton would come back and grace us with his high-waisted pants and John Waters -esque facial hair. Let's start the campaign now to bring him back, and put him back where he belongs: Jill's bedroom. If Victor goes up in a methane blaze from the drilling at Clear Springs, I could see Larry easily filling his shoes.

2. The writers would eliminate "Smoothie" as both a drink and a word in the English language. Not sure if this is possible given smoothies seem to be the only way "adults" can find a way to bond with Noah.

3. They would build a "cell" set for Phyllis. Seriously bummed out that we haven't seen a shot of her using the "head" or lying supine on her bunk.

This week's questions:
1. Who gets Miguel in the divorce settlement?
2. What type of birth control is Colleen using?
3. Is it me or did Sharon say that Jack enjoys listening to "rap" music?

This week's vocabulary:
retcon: Retroactive continuity or retcon is the deliberate changing of previously established facts in a work of serial fiction. The change itself is referred to as a "retcon", and the act of writing and publishing a retcon is called "retconning" as in Kay is Jill's actual birth mother, and Phillip II and Jill's baby was switched at birth.

The Beginning of the Never-End

Watching the Y&R is most definitely something I am not proud of. Its not something I would write on a resume and is not something I would disclose to just anyone. Like a recovering addict, I have to chose my audience wisely and take great caution when I make the disclosure. The risk can be well worth it though: when one finds an ally, a fellow watcher who also has their tongue planted firmly inside their cheek, there is simply nothing like it. It is a secret society that holds more power than the Knights Templar. Given the sheer volume of people who watch the show worldwide, you would think that I would feel a connection to a brethren of literally millions. In theory yes, but as was demonstrated by the line of questioning from the audience at a recent Y&R cast Q&A my friends I went to, it was apparent, that we were alone. Their commentary revealed an alternate universe of watchers, that was quite frankly, chilling. It was like The Invasion of the Bodysnatchers. The banality and earnestness of the questions such as "Nick, are you and Sharon getting back together?" or "Was it hard for you when Cassie died?" were not at all like the questions we would have liked answered, such as: "Who has the worst halitosis on the show?", or "How much is a membership to the Genoa City Athletic club? , and "Is there a waitlist?", or "Is Gina's lasagna really that great ?, or "Who's better in bed, Sharon or Phyllis?", or as my friend Jen did ask the cast, "What exactly is in the corporate file folders that everyone is always leafing through?"

The knowledge of having watched the show for over 20 years is information you do not want getting into the wrong hands. It could ruin you. These enemies lurk at every turn. Even my mother is one. Never one to withhold judgment, when she would overhear the intro music , she would give me a look of disgust and well, pity. "The music depresses me", she'd say, or simply, "I don't get it". Let's face it, the music is depressing. It is the quintessential soundtrack for mid-afternoon malaise, where one is on their third gin and tonic, still in one's bathrobe, and depending on the decade, has already consumed their 15 mg of Valium, Prozac, or Zoloft. Fair enough, mom, on some level, I don't get it either.

I first started watching Y&R in 1986 in my boyfirend's parent's basement. In the days of little choice in terms of programming; no pvrs, heck no VCRs even, we were a captive audience. It was on right after school, and gave us a reason to stow away to the privacy of the basement. It was not our intention to really watch the show, but as either a testament to the show, or my boyfriend not being able to capture my full attention, I became hooked. As the years have worn on, I have earmarked other devotees, people with that certain je ne sais quoi for their ability to deride the show, an abstract creativity that is appreciated by few. Of course, it also makes me feel a lot better about my own problem. Like with any guilty pleasure, there is solace in knowing that you are not alone. As for my boyfriend, I would love to know if he still watches the show, and if he does, he was way cooler than I thought.