Thursday, August 28, 2008

Genoa City: A Town Where Bad Breath Can Get You Fired

Heavily influenced by the management style of Catholic monarchs Ferdinand and Isabella of Spanish Inquisition fame, Adam demonstrates a fresh new approach to running Newman Enterprises. For as little as having bad breath, Adam accuses, denounces, condemns and ultimately burns whomever crosses him at the proverbial stake, or for those who prefer less dramatic terms, fires them. We find his approach refreshing, as nothing has been as rewarding as seeing the likes of Neil's ass being fired, along with Victoria's much bonier version of the aforementioned body part. We are praying for J.T. to get the axe as well, with hopes that once he is out of Newman and out of a suit, his frontal lobotomy will miraculously disappear.

The meek shall not inherit the earth.
The Newmans are anything but meek, which would make one think they would not be candidates for inheriting the earth. Wrong. Inheriting Victor Newman's estate, in our esteem, would qualify as inheriting the earth, and as none of the Newmans exhibit any of the characteristics of being meek (such as showing patience, humility and gentleness) this adage is clearly false. It got us thinking though...what is the opposite of meek then, as clearly that is what the Newmans are? The answer? Asshole.

And thus, Victor endows Adam with everything Newman, and "punishes" Victoria by leaving her his multi-million dollar art collection and Nicholas the building where Restless Style is housed. Victoria's inheritance hardly seems a punishment considering Sabrina's recent acquisitions for the Newman collection ran in the millions. A relief for Victoria indeed since she is now unemployed and is forced to live off of J.T's security guard salary. Our advice to Victoria: as tempting as it may be to leave the dead shark's bloody head of the Damien Hirst's piece in Adam's bed, sell it fast. With your standard of living, you will need the cash. Nicholas, on the other hand, got the short end of the stick given that he inherited a building in a Midwestern town where real estate is as cheap as...well...real estate in a Midwestern town. We reckon there is always their trust funds, whatever that may amount to. God forbid any of us would want Genoa City's Finest (GCF) to be penniless, struggling to meet basic needs such as putting food on the table and a roof over their heads. Far from it. Having achieved a higher level on Maslow's hierarchy of needs, they can get to the business at hand of unnecessarily complicating their lives: a far more entertaining prospect indeed.

What's in a name.
So we learned the etymology of the great man's name this week, and it is not pretty. Victor is because he will always win, you know, he is the "victor". And Newman is because he reinvented himself after having grown up in an orphanage (if we have to hear one more time about that damn got that???), so he became a NEW MAN. Get it? Wow. Clever. And ridiculous. And oh yeah, idiotic too.

Questions of the week.
1. What exactly does Paul have in his briefcase? A mini bar? A collection of tanning creams? Cocaine? We have belabored this point to death, but Paul's briefcase is probably one of the more interesting and enigmatic characters on the show: shiny, metallic, and well, distracting. Did Paul choose this briefcase because it is distracting? Given this logic then, what could Paul be hiding? Perhaps someone should be investigating Paul for a change. The hunter becomes the hunted: the ultimate paradox.
2. Is it just us, or do people not seem that busted up about Victor's death? With the fall of the great Zeus you'd think there would have been more drama: lightening bolts, earth quakes, plagues, human sacrifices, the works. Instead, we got a drunken Nikki in a Mexican bar: somehow it doesn't have the same punch.
3. Is Adam's concern with all things green (given the green line of cosmetics he is trying to plug at Newman), brought into question with his flying in a 6 course meal on the private jet for Heather from a restaurant in Brussels?
4. Does it bother Neil that neither of his children are actually his?
5. Did Nikki really sneak off the plane to stay in Mexico to find Victor, or was it because of the cheap and free flowing tequila?

Wish of the week.
1. That Victor returns and is not dead. Not for the reasons one may be thinking, but rather so Nikki can start wearing make-up again. We had to endure weeks of her sans maquillage when Victoria was in coma. Haven't we suffered enough?
2. That they are really not going to have us believe that Chloe is Esther's daughter? And if she is, what will style maven Chloe think of her mother's degrading and unfashionable maid uniform?

Monday, August 25, 2008

Alcohol Saves the Day in Genoa City

Excessive alcohol use, a thematic thread that has run throughout the Young and the Restless for decades, is about the only thing holding our interest these days, as clearly, being drunk is when Genoa City's Finest (GCF) are the most engaging. Nikki is by far leading the pack with her episode-long drunken soliloquy (with Catherine Chancellor as her audience of one via cell phone call from a sleazy Mexican bar), after learning that Victor is presumed dead. Entering into Y&R's drunk acting hall of fame, Nikki rambled on about the wonders of Victor Newman without a single thought as to what the roaming fees of a day long conversation from Mexico to Genoa City would cost her. Next up is Noah, who (most likely looking for a way to alleviate the stress of turning from 11 years old to 15 years old in one summer) was caught stealing beer out of Victor's poolside beer fridge. Unfortunately for us, we were not granted a drunken performance from this newly matured Noah as Nick caught him before his lips had a chance to touch Satan's nectar... but it did get us thinking: Why is that beer fridge even there? Have we ever seen Victor knock back a cool one poolside? Never. Too busy yelling and belittling those around him, we reckon. Although, recently Victor too has succumbed to this ever popular vice. Since Sabrina's death, he has become "Hard-Drinking Victor" (new action figure to add to the collection), with even an army of tequila shots unable to penetrate his Teflon exterior. Cane's relationship with alcohol is a never-ending source of amusement as this man, who is touted as the ultimate male on the show, can't hold his liquor to save his life. Lest we forget Mrs. C, the quintessential drunken matriarch whose histrionics cannot be topped by anyone. (Like an old estranged friend, we pray for "Drunk Catherine's" return). Neil has also battled alcoholism, although, he wins for being the most uninteresting drunk on the show; Daniel's drinking killed Cassie as well as had him bed Amber for the first time (or was it that insane hairdo he was sporting at the time that made him do it?);Phillip Chancellor died in a drunken car accident...need we go on? What is the message then kids? Alcohol is bad. Very bad indeed. But it also makes you a more interesting and engaging person. At least it does in Genoa City.

Paul turns to porn.
Victor's death would be devastating to Paul, and not in that I- liked -you -and- will -miss -you- now- that- you- are- gone kind of way, but more so in that holy-crap-you-are-my-only paying-client kind of way. Without Victor hiring Paul to execute elaborate, high- billing international man hunts and investigations into kidnappings of various family members, Paul is seriously screwed. Thankfully, there is always Paul's backup career in porn, lest we forget his days as a centerfold (as hard as we try, sadly, we are unable...).

We are family. All my overly attentive brothers and me.
Who knew having a brother or sister could be so much fun? Well, when Devon Hamilton is your brother (and in this case, a brother from the same mother), the sky is the limit. Just think, with Devon as your brother, you too could have peanut butter and jelly sandwich making contests (what praytell would constitute winning in such a contest we ask?)! Endless games of War, hands down the most boring card game in existence! Inappropriate tickle fights! Being called the always imaginative nickname for a person who is smaller that you: "Squirt"! And writing insipid songs together!

If this relationship doesn't drive Ana to join her crack mother of a ho on the streets, we don't know what will.

Questions of the week.
1. What will happen to the Newman Gallery of Contemporary Art now that Sabrina is gone? Where will the stuffed sheep and shark in a tank go? Will they be housed alongside Victor's portrait in his office?
2. Is it just us, or is it a bit of a stretch to believe that Nicholas is as bent out of shape about his father's disappearance as he is, given a week ago he hated the guy, had nothing to do with him, and has been cut out of the will?
3. Please remind us why we should give a shit that Tyra is not Ana's mother?
4. Which century does Jill live in for her to think that Cane's having a baby out of wedlock would constitute a "scandal" for Jabot?
5. Should a presumed dead Victor really be a major concern for Nikki considering that Victor is virtually indestructible (you go that?!)? We believe that a much bigger concern for Nikki should be the fact that she is a rich gringa alone in a small Mexican village completely blasted out of her mind.
6. When the photographer was shooting Lily this week for Jabot, what exactly does his direction of: "Give me Restless angst" and "Give me Restless passion", supposed to look like?

Wish of the week.
1. Neil shaves his goatee, and Devon gets rid of his soul patch. Stop tyring to be what you are not. You are not"groovy", or "fringe". You are lifeless cardboard cutouts who are trying to portray something you are not by the way that you manscape. There. We said it.
2. Victoria and her creepy clown smile never graces the cover of Restless Style again.
3. Nikki introduces pills to her new alcohol diet to really get this party started.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Drag Queens, Murderers and Pot Brownies: Another Summer in Genoa City

Being away from Genoa for the last 6 weeks was an exercise in ambivalence indeed. On the one hand, it was great to get away from the slithering pit of obsessive, navel-gazing, hypocrites that inhabit this great backwater, but then again, that is precisely why we missed it. Our covert operation as camp cook at Noah's camp was a success: we witnessed Noah blossom from boy to man in a mere 8 weeks ( it's amazing how a summer at camp can age you). How Noah managed to age 6 years in a matter of weeks, is a mystery to us, but now he is of the far more interesting age where one can be officially sexually active (god help us), have addictions, and back stab people like all of the other adults that populate his world. Let's hope the "let's- placate-Noah-routine" by all of the guilt-ridden adults in his life will subside with this "new and improved" Noah. And while we're on the topic of improving Noah...maybe they can do something about his name. I mean, Noah? Come on.

Admittedly, we were shocked to see Sabrina and David killed off in such an unimaginative way as a car crash. Besides, when we were in Paris this summer (after visiting Noah's camp), we were looking forward to seeing Victor and Sabrina as they also had a vacation planned there. We did go to the Pompidou Centre (where Sabrina was the curator) and strangely enough, they had never heard of her. Tres interessant indeed.

(Un) Able & Cane.
I guess congratulations are in order to Cane for his appointment as CEO of Jabot. Being the CEO of a major international cosmetics firm is impressive indeed, especially for an Aussie guy with a grade 9 education who grew up in the outback and whose sphere of knowledge revolves around rugby, drinking beer and bartending. But then again nepotism runs rampant like a venereal disease in old GC, so why should we be surprised? Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, Cane is once again tricked into marrying a woman (Amber managed to do it only a year ago), this time by Chloe who managed to steal him away from his child-bride, Lily. Both incidents involved him being bombed out of his mind. CEO material? We think not. Let's face it. This guy is a dumb ass. He should stick to what he knows best: embellishing an Aussie accent, drinking beer, dating underage girls and wearing offensively tight shirts.

Divine Intervention.
Tracey Abbott made an appearance this week doing what she does best: impersonating beloved drag queen, Divine (albeit unintentionally). She and Brad bemoan the appointment of Jill's son to the Abbott legacy, but what Brad was really thinking throughout this exchange with his ex-wife was: "God...I slept with this woman?" And lest we forget Brad's early years as a pool/joy boy, sleeping his way to the top, starting his quest with the original low-self esteem girl, Tracy Abbott.

Let's face it. Genoa City's Finest (GCF) are horrible people. And horrible people make for horrible friends. Case in point, Colleen's active pursuit and eventual seduction of her best friend's ex-husband is shameful. And how about Chloe and Amber as BFF? Does Amber not care that Chloe is actively pursuing her ex-husband? Perhaps our expectations are far too high for these people. Realistically, with a population of 20, who the hell are they supposed to sleep with anyway?

And yes, friendship takes many forms in Genoa City. Take Amber and Mrs. C. for example. What does a billionaire octogenarian have in common with a white trash ho from rural Nevada? The appeal for Amber is obvious, as such a friend comes with many monetary benefits, but for Mrs. C? The only thing we can surmise is that Mrs. C. has finally found someone who has slept with more men than she has (despite Amber being 1/4 of her age...quite a feat for Amber), allowing her to safely brag about her conquests without judgment. And brag she does. Speaking of which: Please stop, Catherine. You are scaring us.

Everybody must get stoned.
The best thing, hands down, about Jana and Kevin's wedding (except for the fact that it is finally over), were the pot brownies served at their Ashram venue. Daniel, stoned out of his mind, could hardly contain himself as "River"(formerly Alex P. Keaton's father from 80s sit-com, Family Ties...sad, but true) married Kevin-remember-when-I-used -to -prey-on-underage-girls-online Fisher, and Jana-my-brain-tumor-made-me-kill Hawks. We think a little more brownie and a lot less of Gina's lasagna would do well for GCF indeed, and consequently for us as well.

Dialogue of the week.

Michael to Lauren: Do you realize that both of my parents are murderers?

Now how many people can claim that? A pedigree to be proud of, Michael.
What Michael forgot to add of course, is that his wife is also a murderer for having killed Sheila Carter, and that his new sister-in-law can claim a a similar title for having killed Carmen Mesta. How long before baby Fenmore takes his turn at bat?

Y&R Action figures revisited.
Victor's new role as a tequila drinking, Spanish speaking runaway lends itself to new additions to the existing Y&R action figure collection. For those of you new to this collection, here is a description from an earlier post:

Think about the possibilities. Collect them all. Esther in her maid outfit. Larry Warton with his wife-beater singlet and tool set (sold separately), Colleen 1,2 and 3, Devon and his cochlear implant (sold separately), Noah complete with smoothie, Zappato carrying a shoe, Miguel carrying Victor's slippers. The Victor doll would be the most coveted. It would come with removable "masks" that would illustrate the complexity of his character: Angry Victor, Sad Victor, Remorseful Victor, etc. The box would read: "He yells! He mumbles! He cries! He skywrites messages! He flower arranges! He assaults people! He dials in his performance!

Reader April's list of possible accessories for the Victor doll is impressive: removable eyeglasses, pitcher and water glasses, window with blinds on stand, portrait of himself, file folders with the Newman Enterprises and Clear Springs logos, anti-seizure medication vial, President's chair, trousers with change in the pockets, punching bag on stand, black tank top, cellphone with "You're Still the One" as Nikki's ringtone, and basketball and hoop. Given the upcoming holiday is approaching, one reader suggested a Christmas edition Victor where one could purchase his snowflake collection with miniature scissors and a drawer to hide them in. For a more high-tech effect, reader Paula, suggested a figure with Victor pointing his finger and a voice that says, "You got that????!!!!"

New additions to the collection would have Runaway Victor, sporting black t-shirt, black baseball hat, over sized jeans, and when you pull his string, mumbles in Spanish, "entiende eso, seƱor!!!???" (you got that, mister!!!???). Tequila bottle and shot glass sold separately.

Stayed tuned for Kung Fu Victor as he is about to kick Walter's ass.

Questions of the week.
1. Was it not strange to see Kevin show up at Jana's stag and strip for her with his mother present?