Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Hookers, Prostitutes and Whores, Oh My!

Irony reigned supreme this week in Genoa City, with Genoa City's Finest (GCF) the biggest victims of all. And thus, Phyllis, worried about Sharon moving in on her husband, breaks up Sharon's marriage by bringing forth Jack's Visa bill with charges to the Genoa City Motor Arms and a local call girl agency. Shouldn't Phyllis be doing everything in her power to do quite the opposite and to try to keep Sharon and Jack from splitting up? Perhaps this is not irony at all, but rather stupidity. How about the fact that Paul doesn't have a guest room (when Nikki stayed over, this was conveniently revealed), when he has an absentee young son, Ricky? Does this mean Ricky never comes to visit? Wouldn't Paul consider this when he decided on a one bedroom apartment? More sad than ironic, perhaps. Likewise, Phyllis' criticism of Sharon "not being able to be without a man" and "how she jumps into bed with the first man she sees", when in fact Phyllis did exactly that with Sharon's husband, got knocked up and destroyed their marriage. Irony? Perhaps. Annoying? In the words of Phyllis Newman herself, "definitely". How about Nicholas' condemnation of Adam's pursuit to put Victor behind bars, when Nicholas turned Victor into the FBI for corrupt business dealings himself? Nikki tells Victor to "go to hell", when the irony is that living in Genoa City, is already hell. Furthermore, what of Olivia's romanticizing Dru's "passion", when in fact, she had a personality disorder and was mentally ill? And the most ironic moment goes to Amber who actually used the word irony when describing her inability to "create" after quitting her job. Amber knowing the meaning of the word irony, is indeed the greatest irony of all...

Dialogue of the week.

Jill: Up yours, Bradley
Brad: Always a lady.....

Cosmetic surgery question of the week.
Did Bradley have a boob job? Is that why he was MIA for sometime? And more importantly, is it wise that he continue to wear those skin tights turtlenecks and golf shirts?

Questions of the week.
1. Does Michael actually have an office? Where does he call when he is giving orders to his secretary? The Genoa City Motor Arms Motel? The cage built by Sheila Carter?
2. How did Eden make it out to the Ranch that night to visit Billy? Does Genoa City have a public transit system? And if so, have any of GCF actually ridden it?
3. What will Lauren and Michael do when Fenmore stops napping? Does this mean that they will actually have to spend time with him?
4. Did anyone else notice the photo of Katherine and Jill in the salon at the Chancellor estate? Was it just us, or did it look like Jill was a ventriloquist and Katherine was the oversized puppet on her lap?
5. If Gloria is truly sorry over not being there for her two sons when they were children, why can't she help a financially strapped Kevin pay a $2000.00 plumbing bill when she is worth millions?
6. Does Heather know that she has a half brother? How would she feel to hear that Paul has nothing to do with his young son, Ricky, given that he "repents" on a daily basis that he did the same thing to her?

Monday, November 17, 2008

Are You There God? It's Us, Genoa City's Finest

This week in Genoa City, its denizens face matriarch Catherine Chancellor's death and dig deep to confront their own mortality, or dare we say, their own spirituality. Which begs the question: what form does spirituality take for Genoa City's Finest (GCF)? From what we could see from their comportment at the funeral, spirituality for GCF seems to manifest itself in the holy trinity of me, myself and I - a philosophy, in our opinion, that is none too flattering to anyone who subscribes. Thanks to an omniscient camera we were given the privilege to venture into the thoughts of GCF, leaving us worried for humanity in general. And thus, their thoughts speak for themselves:

Nikki (thinking): Thank you, God, for bringing Victor home safely. I know this is what I prayed for. And I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but... please help me. I feel like my heart's breaking, seeing him with Ashley.

Oh...and...yeah...I almost forgot God, take care of that old broad, Katherine, while you're at it.

Sharon (thinking):
Oh, Katherine, I wish I could ask you what I should do about Jack. Our marriage... I can't stand the lies any longer. I'm gonna miss your wonderful advice.

Yep, Sharon, it is all about you...even at someone's funeral.

(thinking) : Well, Sis, I certainly hope you know what you're getting involved with.

Yes, Tracy, a funeral is the perfect venue to indulge your feelings of inadequacy around your much thinner sister.

Jeffrey (thinking)
:I wonder who the blonde is sitting with Jack. She looks loaded.

This is actually pretty funny.

Jack (thinking):
Do you think this is funny, God? Having Ash drag Newman back into the sunlight and bring him back at a time like this? I got too many balls in the air right now. I don't need this at a time like this. So I'm gonna need a little help here. All right? Please?

Can you say b-l-a-s-p-h-e-m-y? The insolence! The disrespect! Is God going to take that from Jack???

Victor (thinking):
They say vengeance is yours, Lord. But I'm not patient enough to wait that long.

So in other words, God, I am better then you.

Esther (what she should have been thinking): Damn you old woman for making me wear that degrading maid outfit for the last thirty years. Where the hell did you get off? This was my life's work? Serving you? And what kind of shitty idea of yours was it to send my daughter to boarding school from the time she was a toddler? I missed out on raising the only child I will ever have, and this in addition to the exposure to the pretentious world of boarding schools, she is one messed up sociopathic beyotch who will have nothing to do with me
whatsoever. And don't think I never saw you rolling your eyes at me, you old goat. The only good thing that came out of all of this is that having access to your money allowed for some pretty fierce cosmetic surgery, if I may say so myself.

Who ever said that GCF were compassionate people? The navel gazers that they are, they can't think beyond themselves for five seconds to mourn a woman who has been a part of their lives for the better part of 40 years? Why should we expect anything else? The highlight of the funeral for us here at It Never Ends was most definitely Marge's narration, in which she looked directly into the camera and seemed to take her performance cues from the "down home" aphorisms of the narrator of Dukes of Hazzard fame.

It Never Ends reader comment of the week.

"Can You Tell Me How To Get To..." writes:

Phyllis looked like Big Bird with that silly feathered hat walking down that fake looking street. Does that make Victor Oscar the Grouch?

Questions of the week.
1. Is it just us, or did the folks who turned up for Katherine's Funeral look more like the cast of flesh-eating zombies of Night of The Living Dead?
2. With all of their outpourings and grieving, what will GCF do when they find out that Katherine is actually alive? Will they be disappointed? Will they kill her and devour her flesh? (see question #1)
3. Is it just us, or do Sharon and Nicholas seem to punctuate every sentence with a hug?
4. Was seeing GCF in a bookstore an oxymoron? Have these people ever read a book in their lives?

Remember when...

Phyllis and Jana were in prison together, staging their own x-rated version of Prison Heat?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Pain, Procreation and Pantalons: Genoa City's Finest Invade Paris

Who knew that pain could be such an aphrodisiac? Genoa City's Finest (GCF) reveal this week that when someone is grieving over a death, divorce, or a loved one in jail...it is the perfect opportunity to make your move. And thus, Victor is resuscitated from the depths of despair over Sabrina's death with the advances of a desperate and in-heat Ashley Abbott; Noah and Eden make out for the first time after Noah talks about his parents divorce, his sister's death, and likewise, Eden spills the beans about her father's incarceration; and Sharon and Nick share a heated kiss in Paris after talking about Cassie's death. The lesson? If you are a resident of Genoa City, choose carefully to whom you reveal your most painful secrets, especially if you are trying to avoid getting an STD.

(Not so) Gay Paris.
Not since the Germans rolled their tanks under the Arc de Triomphe has Paris witnessed such atrocities in their city as they did this week with the spontaneous blitzkreig by Genoa City's Finest. Was it just us, or did seeing GCF in Paris without the carefully controlled (studio) environment of Genoa City, suddenly take on the look of a Mexican soap opera? The natural outside light was none too forgiving to our fair friends, leaving them swimming performance-wise in this great city. And to make matters worse, Sharon showed her true colours as the country hick that she really is. And thus:

Sharon (to Nick): Gosh, everything here [in Paris] is just so old and so gorgeous. I mean, it's nothing like Genoa City.

Never underestimate the power of observation.

We did find it very hard to believe that Sharon had never been to Paris before, especially when she has been rolling in it for years with her marriages to a Newman (with access to a private jet), and now an Abbott. What is wrong with her? She never once got it together to go to Paris? We reckon that's what happens when your choice of vacation spots is always the culturally vacant Barbados.

And was it because of Sharon's lack of refinement, culture and worldliness that had Nick "fall" for her all over again, resulting in a passionate embrace?

Le Victor.
We were thrilled to see that Victor was located in Paris this week, and we believe that it was no accident he was spotted around Notre-Dame, taking inspiration from the gargoyles that inhabit the cathedral. Standing alone in his over sized leather jacket and jeans, hands in his pockets, and an accompanying look of despair, Victor looked like an out-of-work day labourer waiting for someone to hire him for an odd job. Either way, albeit a gargoyle, or an out of work labourer, this "look" was an intense turn on for Ashley Abbott and her sans pantalons * look.

Questions of the week.
1. Are Sabrina and John Abbott hanging out together in the after world? Are they planning an appearance together?
2. How great was Nick's suggestion that Victor shave his moustache in order to disguise himself?
3. How is it that Ashley, Phyllis and Sharon were each able to walk for miles around Paris in 4 inch heels?
4. What was more disturbing? That Gloria's testimony 30 years ago was responsible for Lowell becoming a fugitive, or that she couldn't move her botoxed face when trying to show her intense remorse to having done such a thing to Lowell?
5. How do the employees of Restless Style feel having to watch their bosses Phyllis and Nick get it on at every chance they get?
6. Did Katherine Chancellor roll her eyes when Esther promised to stay with her forever? Which begs the question: which is worse? Having your mind turn to mush, or being stuck with Esther for the rest if your days?
7. Did they really kill Mrs. C. off in a car crash? How lame would that be? Whatever happened to the good old days when people died by falling into a canyon, or being gunned down? But a car crash? Almost 40 years on the show, and this is the best they can offer Mrs. C?

* sans pantalons = pantless

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Let Them Eat Nuts

We here at It Never Ends have not posted for a couple of weeks, as we are going through a rather trying time as of late, a sort of existential crisis directly related to the state of the Young and the Restless. Simply put, Y&R has totally blown goats lately, and we are hard pressed to write anything about it, except for a list of why it has deteriorated into a miserable puddle of puke...

And thus, is it so wrong that we :

Don't give a sh*t that Victor is missing (yet again); that Jeffrey is threatening Gloria with the face cream(once again); that charges against Brad have been dropped(again), that Heather Stevens is prosecuting Victor Newman for murder (again); that Sharon is questioning her marriage to Jack (again); that Phyllis wore that horrid cowboy hat to celebrate her wedding anniversary (again); that Catherine Chancellor's faculties are being questioned by Jill (again); that Amber and Mrs. C are revisiting Mrs. C's memoirs when we were led to believe it was a fait accompli; that the downtrodden and drunken Marge, Catherine's alter ego, is a part of her life (again); and that Brad and Sharon were caught in an inappropriate embrace (yet again, for the millionth time)...

Moreover, we are officially tired of everyone caring about and wanting to help Victor Newman, when he is the biggest coc*sucker of all, and we are equally fed up with Jana's flaky spirituality passed off as "idiosyncratic", when in fact she has a bone fide mental illness.

And yes, we could go on.

Even the actors seem bored. Mrs. C who is losing her mind, is actually in an enviable position...

Dialogue of the week:
Sharon: I just want to spend time with the man I fell in love with.
Jack: Me too.

Huh. Interesting.

Brad the nuteater.
Brad, a former shell of himself, has emerged from his forced exile and is embracing his role as the town pariah. To celebrate his new role, Brad indulges in some cosmetic surgery a la Mickey Rourke and poises himself for another round of nut-eating at the bar of the GCAC.

Questions of the week.
1. How is it that Fenmore and Summer were born within only a couple of months of each other, but Summer is pushing what looks like five years old, and Fenmore is barely walking, at what looks like two?
2. How strange is it that both Neil and Olivia have seen Karen's private parts?

Monday, October 20, 2008

A Farewell to Arms: Genoa City Motor Arms, That Is.

Genoa City's Finest (GCF) are a self-indulgent and neurotic bunch indeed, seeking relationship advice from anyone willing to listen. And thus, Colleen, distraught over her boyfriend Daniel having publicly declared his love for his ex-girlfriend, seeks the advice of Lily, said boyfriend's ex-wife. Confusing? Yes. Logical? No. What exactly does Colleen hope for Lily to say given that the latter is no longer married to Daniel because he is a liar, a cheater and a pornography addict? Likewise, Daniel indiscriminately looks to Chloe for advice - who in turn has about as much sensitivity as Lucy Van Pelt of Charlie Brown fame. Much like Lucy, Chloe shares a counselling style more akin to a session with a high strung abuser, leaving any advice seeker feeling worse than they did before. Chloe's advice seems to come with a litany of insults including calling the advice seeker (aka Daniel) a "loser" whilst poking them repeatedly in the chest, and knocking off a bowler hat from said seeker's head. Similarly, Amber turns to Mrs. C, whose advice to her is to be as promiscuous as possible. We firmly believe that giving advice should be left to the professionals and that GCF should rely not on one another for their convoluted and unintuitive advice, but rather stick with the only one with any sense at all, our most respected colleague, Captain Obvious.

Questions of the week.
1. How Freudian is it that J.T. was impersonating his wife's father by dressing in the trademark leather coat and black ball cap in an attempt to bamboozle the authorities? Does he dress up like Victor in the bedroom as well?
2. Why would Jack's credit card company deem a charge at the Genoa City Motor Arms Hotel as "unusual activity"? Is it because "wealthy" people would never book themselves into a lowly motel?
3. How creepy was it to see Jack passionately "channelling " Victor? Did he not seem a little too excited? Hot and bothered, even? Did he have a cold shower afterward, or is the Genoa City Motor Arms Hotel far too grubby for that?
4. Was anyone else mortified when, in an attempt to show literary prowess, Noah referred to Ernest Hemingway as "my man Ernie?" Does he perhaps have "Ernie" Hemingway confused with "Ernie" of Sesame Street fame?
5. How despicable is it that a grieving and melodramatic Victor burns down a chateau in France, considering that so many people in the world live without adequate shelter?
6. Who feels worse about Tyra and Ana coming back to Genoa City? Us or Karen?
7. Do the children of Genoa City's Finest sleep too much? Reid, Summer, and Fenmore, seem to spend an inordinate amount of time sleeping, making us wonder: are they being drugged? Again, where the hell is Social Services?

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Newman Pitfalls Blamed on "Erosion of Confidence"

Since Victor's disappearance (for the umpteenth time), Newman stocks have plummeted (nothing to do with the current market disaster of course) , causing Victoria to panic about an "erosion of confidence" with Newman shareholders. Her and Neil's solution? Bring in the Black Knight's son. Already stretched thin with a tanking magazine, an oversexed and needy wife, a delinquent son, a demanding ex-wife, and now an executive position at Newman, Nicholas has his work cut out for him. But we digress. What really interests us, is this term that Victoria bandies about: the erosion of confidence. We feel it to be a fitting description for how we too feel towards Genoa City's Finest (GCF), in general. And thus, our confidence in Nikki as the editor-in-chief of a fashion magazine is questioned, when her own style takes cues from Wilma Flintstone (notably, an exaggerated updo, an over sized, short strand of pearls, and dresses not unlike those worn by Wilma). Likewise, our confidence in Heather as an astute and respectable attorney is diminished given she insists on getting her hairstyle tips from My Pretty Pony. Furthermore, our faith in Genoa City's Memorial Hospital is waning with an increasingly high turnover of doctors (think back to the days of Dr. Olivia Winters, or Dr. Reese, when one doctor seemed a permanent fixture, there to cater to whatever catastrophe beset our precious GCF). And finally, our surety in Victoria as a mother is questioned as she pawns her child off on coworkers, (as she did with an emotionally unstable Karen) while she attends to whatever it is in those infuriatingly ubiquitous Newman file folders.

As it stands, the only real vote of confidence this week came (shockingly!) from the Winters, when both Lily and Neil dissed the musical, Cats.

New drinking game.
Every time Adam or Heather mentions how Adam is a Harvard grad, take a drink.

Line of the week.
Jeffrey explaining why he is upset:
"It's about that creepy flower child you used to sleep with..."

Given Jeffrey's obvious aversion to this era, what the hell was he doing during the sixties then?

Questions of the week.
1. What would it be like to live next door to the Baldwins with the constant yelling, door slamming, unending line of people coming and going and letting themselves into the apartment at will, teenage girls escaping the apartment by scaling the wall, a refuge for felons (Gloria, Michael, Kevin, Jana, Lauren, now River...) and all-too-frequent visits from various law enforcement agencies?
2. Is everyone in Genoa City immune to lactose intolerance? Certainly Noah and family are, as all of their traditions seem to focus around consuming dairy products, where every accomplishment is indulged with either a smoothie from Crimson Lights, or ice cream at the Abbott mansion.
3. What happened to the rule for the Fresh Faces of Jabot contest that states a family member cannot be a model? Isn't that why Amber, former wife to Cane, had to disguise herself? How is it considered ok then, that Abbott, Colleen Carlton, be the Fresh Faces model?

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Are Genoa City's Finest Vegetable-Hating Witches and Warlocks?

If you were to describe yourself in one word, what would it be? Sounds like the kind of sophomoric question that Jana would pose during a session with her Tarot cards, indeed, but it got us thinking: What word could encapsulate the essence of the Young and the Restless? Mind-numbing? Unrelenting? Facile? Moronic? Perhaps. Thought-provoking? Cerebral? Seminal? We tend to think not. Although, magical is a possibility, as magic seems to be the way to explain the unexplainable that inhabits every nook and cranny of Genoa City.

And thus, how did the insufferably cranky teenager, Eden Baldwin, manage to sneak out of the bedroom window of the Baldwin's high rise condominium? Magic we say. How about Colleen being taken seriously as a model for the Fresh Faces of Jabot campaign? Simply supernatural. Billy's astute observation that his grandmother "manages to look younger each time he comes to see her"? Apart from an obscene number of face lifts? Sorcery. Or how about the fact that if Neil and Devon combined their facial hair, they would form a full goatee? A slight of hand. Finally, how would one explain Michael's financial success as a lawyer when of all his work is pro bono? Voodoo. Plain and simple.

Let's face it. Genoa City's Finest (GCF) are nothing but warlocks and witches, immersed in the practice of magic and the supernatural. How else could it be explained that resident half-man, half-beast, Phyllis Newman, is considered to be "attractive", or that it is believable that the mentally- ill-millionaire- mumbler, Victor Newman, is a world renown business man? If only this magic could be bestowed upon us, the viewers, allowing us to make our own custom changes on the show. Just think, with a twitch of our noses, Eden would be magically wearing a muzzle, Phyllis a bra, and all wife- beater tank tops would be banned from the show. A wave of our magic wands would bring more establishments for GCF to frequent, Devon rendered mute, blow- up- doll- Colleen given a slight rupture to deflate her into oblivion, and Sharon's mullet lobbed off once and for all.

Questions of the week.
1.Do GCF hate vegetables? How many times have we heard shots about Esther's tofu casserole or about the vegetarian fare that the Baldwins had to endure at the ashram? Is it even possible to find vegetables in Genoa City?
2. How SOL is Jana since Sabrina's death? Her dream job as assistant to the curator of the Newman Contemporary Gallery ripped away from her, and back to serving coffee to a bunch of ultra-maroons*? And the strangest part? There has not been one peep from her about it.

* In the words of the infinitely wise, Bugs Bunny

Reader question of the week.
1.Has any writer/producer/director of this show ever been to NYC? Nothing about that "art gallery" said New York city, nor did the "bar", which looks like it easily could have been a bar in Genoa City.

We couldn't have asked it better ourselves...

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Sexually Transmitted Diseases for Genoa City's Finest

It takes a newcomer with a bad attitude to really put Genoa City's Finest (GCF) in their place, as seen with long lost sibling to Victoria and Nick, Adam Wilson, and now with long lost sibling to Micheal, Eden Baldwin. After spending some time with Eden this week, we realized that her name is not a reference to the Utopian part of the garden of Eden of Biblical lore, but rather to the post- bitten- apple- fall- of- mankind- part of the garden. You know, when everything basically went to shit. It is hard for us to believe that this high strung, angry and aggressive little number grew up in an ashram, as her behaviour is anathema to all things associated with a karmic upbringing. The biggest crime of all though - and much bigger than her father's own murderous crimes - is her glaring inability to act, making Esther look like Meryl Streep in comparison. We have been able to see the forest though the trees with our dear Eden though, and give her much props for telling Noah off and for having a bad attitude towards GCF in general. And thus to Noah:

“Listen , I’m not going to be living in this loser town for very long. I’m not going to your loser school. But even if I were staying in this loser town and going to that loser school, I sure as hell wouldn’t be seen with a loser like you. Got it."

Atta girl. Who cares if she can't act?

Admittedly, Eden's temper tantrums were about exciting as it got this week, even though Victor collapsed and was admitted to the hospital (again), was committed (again), and has subsequently disappeared (again). Except or a few moments when he wailed Sabrina's name and held onto the Kinder Surprise-esque egg that Sabrina had purchased for Victor's art collection, it was all really old hat.

In more exciting news though, a diagnosis for Heather's collapse finally came in: herpes. This is exactly what is needed to breathe some life into Genoa City: a good old fashion venereal disease epidemic. We can only hope for syphilis.

Insane in the membrane. Insane in the brain.

Rappers Cypress Hill would be more convincing proving their sanity than Victor Newman did this week. We question Victor's choice of words as he attempts to prove that he is mentally fit to an admitting psychiatrist:

Victor: '“I'm fine, I want to get the hell out of there...you got it?"

Psychiatrist: "Your family is concerned about you"

Victor: "As well they should be..and I’m telling you what I told them: I don’t really give a damn how concerned they are, or how concerned you are...I want to be left alone."

Is this wise? Are these words you would use when trying to prove that you aren’t @%$* crazy?

Bursting with imagination, Uncle Billy's "pet name" for Colleen, CC, is confounding. We assume it stands for Colleen Carlton, but we can never be sure with GCF, so we came up with some other possibilities :

Can Can : when it comes to taking off her clothes, this is Colleen's mantra.
Carbon Copy: as in copying her best friend by sleeping with said friend's ex-husband, and scooping up her friend's job after said friend reluctantly resigns.
CCs. As in 10CCs of restylane to create her puffed out pout.
Cheap Champagne. Her only excuse for her behavior.
Consummate Callgirl: They way her career paths seems to be shaping up for her.

Questions of the week.
1. Did we see things clearly, or was Jack really talking (out loud!) to his father's ghost in a bar in New York City?