Hell is in the Eye of the Beholder

It has been a challenging time of late for both Genoa City's Finest (GCF), and us, the viewer. In fact, it's debatable as to who has had it worse. On one hand, GCF has subscribed to a particular brand of hell that can only occur in Genoa City with a myriad of horrific events to contend with including: cancer (Lily), a stillbirth (Sharon), the death of an only child (Tracy), a psychiatric breakdown (Patti Williams), spouses cheating (Victoria on J.T.), declarations that there is no God (J.T.), the realization that you have no friends after a heart transplant- unless you consider your attorney as a friend (Victor), getting dumped the day before your wedding day (Paul), making ends meet by having to find a job as a manicurist at a dumpy salon after having been an executive at two major companies (Jill), having to date the biggest stick to hit the city limits of Genoa City (Chloe with Chance), having your inheritance revoked and being forced back into a maid uniform after your employer returns from the dead (Esther), and yes, the list does go on. What about us the viewer who has had our own version of hell to contend with? Namely being subjected to Victor "Mumbles" Newman 's attempt to communicate with tubes and an oxygen mask post-gunshot wound (as if it isn't hard enough to understand what the hell he's saying at the best of times)? How about Patti Williams' painfully unwatchable childlike enthusiasm that makes one wish for electric shock therapy (for both ourselves and for her)? And likewise having to endure Mac's resoundingly fake hairpieces and goody two shoes attitude? Lest we forget anything that has to do with the Ryder/Kevin/Daniel/Terroni story line? Who then has it worse? Perhaps because we always have the power to end it all with the simple push of the off button we are in a better position; but as we all know, giving up crack just ain't that easy...

Image of the month
Patti Williams "tidying up" and "making tea" for her guests in her padded cell . Definitely rivals the petting sessions with her stuffed dead cat.

Vows, shmows.
Are we really supposed to believe that Amber was that freaked out about having to marry Deacon? Since when do GCF give any credence whatsoever to the sanctity of marriage? Did she really think this would be a permanent situation for her and that once she says "I do", that there would be no way out? Does she not realize that in Genoa City it is expected that one breaks their wedding vows, and that the more timely one does it, the better? And while we're on the topic of Amber's wedding, what was Victoria doing there as one of only six guests? Not only had she cheated on her husband with the groom mere days before (again...wedding vows?) , but have she and the bride ever even had a conversation?

I can't quit you baby.
Just like Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson, Victor and Nicki just can't seem to quit each other. Could it be true love or a pathetic addiction? Just like Tommy, Victor is abusive to Nicki, and just like Pamela, Nicki is holding on to her bleach blonde looks for dear life. Does this then mean that like Pammy, Nicki will end up living in a trailer park? (Perhaps Billy could help her out with Murphy's old trailer?). Let's hope the comparison between the couples ends there and that there are no secret sex tapes of Victor and Nicki discovered by the hired help to be unleashed onto the world. Talk about punishment.

Questions of the month.
1. Why is Amber broke? What happened to all the money that Mrs. C. left her when she "died"? Did she have to pay Mrs. C back?
2. With its miserable track record of incorrect DNA results, and buy offs, how is it that the DNA lab in Genoa City is still legally operational?
3. Who's the bigger drip? Tracy or her husband, Steve?
4. Are GCF the only people allowed in the chapel at the Hospital?
5. Now that Colleen is gone from this mortal coil, does this mean there will be no more visits form Tracy? Please?

Psycho-Killer: Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Who knew that being a complete psychopath could have so much cache? Genoa City's Finest (GCF) do it up right indeed, giving Norman Bates a true run for his money. And thus Adam dresses up in his father's dead wife's clothes she was wearing the night of her untimely death, to scare the sh#!t out of his current wife, Ashley, and drive her to have a breakdown (nevermind the fact that she has miscarried her baby in the process of falling down the stairs after one of these "hauntings"). If that isn't disturbing enough, he then has gay sex with the housekeeper's nephew, Rafe, in order to keep him from searching his room for evidence that he is behind tormenting Ashley. Nothing wrong with a little man love we say, but when one is not gay, and does it simply to prevent being investigated? And lest we forget the queen of the psychos, Mary Jane Benson (MJB) who touts around a taxidermied cat that she admits to having killed with her own hands, and then proceeds to blow her skanky peanut butter breath onto a child with severe peanut allergies (who consequently ends up in a coma) just so she can keep the girl's mother distracted and away from Jack, the object of her obsession. And finally, how can one ignore MJB's obsession with scrapbooking (which in its own right would qualify for psychotic behaviour)- although not about her last vacation to Disneyland as one would expect, but rather about her growing list of enemies? This broad can definitely hold her own against the psychos of past lore.

Of course, we musn't forget the low grade psychotic behaviour that percolates in GC on a daily basis, behaviour that we as the viewer have simply become accustomed to (think anything done by the likes of Victor, Gloria, Amber, Kevin, Jana, Sharon, Phillip and oh, the list does go on). Although, in comparison, these extreme examples of MJB and Adam make the rest of GCF appear to be the paragons of sanity. A scary propect indeed.

Line of the decade:
Mary Jane Benson questions her stuffed, dead cat:

"Where did you put my pills, kitty?"

Excellent question, Mary Jane.

Economic downturn: What economic downturn?
Is it just us or have GCF been flaunting their wealth in a particularly insensitive and obnoxious way given the state of the economy? And thus:

1. Daniel's million dollar bail is a complete non-issue for Phyllis. She pays sans flinching, wincing, reprimanding, setting up a repayment schedule... nothing. What a show off.
2. With a son that is going blind, Victor spends millions on a company that specializes in stem cell research for blindness, as a way to secure a position for Adam to be part of the study. Again. What a show-off.
3. When Nick and Sharon look at the listings for potential houses to buy, none of their criteria refers to the actual price of the house. Instead, Sharon laments how one house in particular is 5,000 square foot house with only 3 bedrooms. The nerve! How could such a thing be tolerated?
4. Michael bails out Jana with $100,000 on top of doing all her legal work gratis. Generous? Or are they sleeping together?
5. Billy buys the double wide that was once Murphy's tether to this world, just so he has a place to shag his once-cousin, Mackenzie, in private. Classy guy.

All we can say is that if GCF keeps flaunting their wealth the way they are - when the revolution does come, and trust us, it will - the people will be at the gates of GCF's ranches, estates and mansions with torches and guillotines. And we, dear reader, will be in the front row.

Protect us from evil.
Taking a cue from Sharon, did Jack use protection when he slept with 2 women in one day (including one that carries a stuffed kitty around in a carrier and gets it bowls of milk at the local cafe)? How about Adam? Did he use protection with Heather moments after having sex with Rafe?

Questions of the month.
1. Will Adam don Sabrina's dress and wig for Rafe the next time they are together?
2. Is it just us or does Murphy hover over Mrs C. like a parrot, or worse, a stranger on the bus with a bad case of halitosis?
3. Has Phillip had a stroke before? Or could it be that he done too much crystal meth? Ill fitting dentures? Or simply, that he just shouldn't be acting?
4. Can anyone blame Phillip for leaving Nina to pursue other men? And now that Phillip is finally out and Phyllis, Genoa City's resident-half-man-half-beast is single again, perhaps she/he will be able to tempt Phillip with her/his feminine/masculine wiles?
5. Where is Malcolm now that his daughter Lily has cancer?

Economic Downturn Increases Promiscuity in Genoa City

There seems to be no shortage of the supernatural in Genoa City as of late, which, quite frankly, has us spooked. John Abbott continues to violate everyone around him (including us the spectator) with his surprise hauntings that seem to respect no boundaries, making him rate high on the creepy scale. Not creepy in that coming-from-the-otherworld-kind of creepy, but more creepy for it's- hard-to-believe-that-even- when- someone-is-dead-they-can-still-be-a-self-righteous-ass kind of creepy. John's appearances to Jack are old news, but as to not leave out the other siblings, he has expanded his repertoire to include both Billy and Ashley. New people mean new locations for these "apparitions" and thus John haunts Billy while Billy boozes it up at the bar and Ashley while she lallygags in the intimacy of her boudoir. Most disturbing though, is despite how f*$#@!ed up his children are, he still takes the time to make appearances in an attempt to connect with them. Billy is a drunken louse who has possibly impregnated his brother's ex-wife (despite having a six month old and being freshly married); Ashley, going on 50, is pregnant and is slowly losing her mind, leaving her to make questionable choices (namely being with Victor); and Jack pines after his ex-wife whose claim to fame is figuring out which of the three men with whom she has recently slept could be the father of her unborn child. What we don't understand is why John keeps coming back. Wouldn't hell be a more palpable option?

"Supernatural" occurrences at the Ranch continue to run rampant as well, making this resplendent abode have more in common with The Overlook Hotel in The Shining than say, Ponderosa. Could Adam be an incarnation of Jack Nicholson's character, Jack Torrance? Is he, like Torrance, slowly losing his mind while confined in isolation ? What's next for Adam? Breaking down doors with an ax? Chasing Victor with said ax through an elaborate hedge maze (surely the Ranch has one on the grounds somewhere?) Will Sabrina's ghost be thrown into the mix as well? We can only hope: Sabrina's ghost is by far the most interesting character on the show.

What truly is paranormal however, is the fact that we have been watching this show for 25 years...

Irony and Cheese.

Phyllis accuses Sharon of "stealing other people's men" and "being a master manipulator".

Huh.

and

Amber refers to the people who think that she and Kevin shouldn't have gotten amnesty as the "crazies".

Again. Huh.

Questions of the month.
1. As posed by reader known as "Hoolie", are Nick and Sharon the new incarnation of Victor and Nikki? You know, the loves of each other lives, breaking up, getting back together, marrying other people... blah blah blah?
2. Is Mary-Jane What's- Her-Face going to kidnap and torture Sharon? And more importantly, can we endure yet another kidnapping in GC?
3. J.T. helping Abbey with her homework? Did we mention supernatural?
4. How does Sharon feel about Jack having gotten rid the "makeover" she did at the Abbott mansion?
5. Has the recent economic downturn prevented Genoa City's Finest (GCF) from being able to afford condoms? Sharon?

Genoa City's Finest (GCF) Welcome First Gay Man

Well, it's been a month of firsts in Genoa City, which it in itself is worth celebrating considering story lines are reused like Sharon Newman Abbott's private parts . And thus the first gay character is revealed (even though half of the male cast is gay) when Lily's attempts at playing matchmaker with Colleen and Rafe are thwarted when Rafe confidently declares that he is in fact gay (or perhaps he was using it as an excuse so he wouldn't have to go out with Colleen...and would we blame him?). We have to ask though: is being gay even allowed in Genoa City?

Other firsts? Nikki eats at a Diner on the outskirts of Genoa City and "tolerates" the poor people that now populate Katherine's life, and does a pretty decent job of pretending to enjoy herself. What we don't see, of course, are the frequent trips to the "ladies room" to wash her hands and the carefully placed napkins on the vinyl seats as to not soil her high-classed bottom. Although, Nikki seemed less tolerant of Katherine's "slumming it" routine once Katherine shared her wish to have her wedding catered by diner owner, Joe, to include a menu of french fries and milk shakes. This, evidently, is where Nikki draws the line.

Lastly, Sharon is added to the long list of Genoa City's Felons and is graced with her very own celebrity mugshot. Who knew that it was illegal to write, " I hate myslef" in lipstick on one's mirror?

Moment to be savoured...forever.
An hysterical Phyllis dressed in a maid uniform cutting up Sharon's panties. Pure magic.

Questions of the Month.
1. How gross was it having to be subjected to Cane and Lily fornicating in order to make a baby? What did we do to deserve this?
2. Who else feels sorry for Humphrey, Lily and Cane's new dog (named after Humphrey Bogart..get it...because they love to watch old movies together...?) for having to endure the unending insipidness of its new owners?
3. Are we really supposed to believe that Murphy was hesitant to leave his shitty little trailer to go live in Katherine's sprawling estate?
4. Do GCF breastfeed their babies, or is this beneath them?
5. Is it just us, or are all scenes involving Kevin, whether he is in them or not, virtually unwatchable?
6. Why don't GCF give up once and for all the notion of having a maid of honor or a best man at their weddings? We think it's time that Genoa City's denizens faced the fact that none of them have friends, and therefore should no longer feel obliged to recruit virtual strangers into their wedding parties. Recent examples include, Chloe asking Sharon to be her matron of honour (an excellent choice considering Sharon had been sleeping the groom), and Karen asking Victoria with whom she has maybe shared one conversation, and who incidentally has also slept with the groom.
7. Is Mary Jane Bensen actually a surgically altered Diane Jenkins?

The Rise and Fall of Genoa City's Perverts (GCP)

Marge confirmed for us this week (making a grand entrance from her exhumed coffin and giving us a tour of GC and its citizens with her signature Dukes of Hazard style narration) what we expected all along: that she would rather be dead than live among the dysfunction of Genoa City's Finest (GCF). Simply put, she claims that "these people are nuts" and that "they are slaves to their passion like no one in any trailer park I've ever seen". In other words, Genoa City's Finest are a bunch of self-serving, perverts. It takes a low-class, alcoholic waitress to tell it like it is. Bless her cotton socks.

Speaking of perverts, it hit us this week that Sharon Newman Abbot has an unusually large number of things in common with pop tart, Britney Spears. And thus, they both share: boob jobs at a young age; a tenacious libido; a proclivity for substance abuse; noticeable weight gain; child neglect; a preference for hotel living; questionable talent; and kleptomania...to name a few. Given the similarities, what could be next for Sharon? Being photographed sans knickers? Shaving her head? (which would be an improvement over her high-class mullet). Obnoxious back tattoos? A "pimp and ho" themed wedding with whomever her next husband will be? Institutionalization? Whatever is next, we promise, Sharon, to be there every step of the way.

Wish List.
That the Genoa City Jail uniforms would be available for purchase. Who needs a Y&R mug?

Moments to Remember.
It's a toss up:

Nikki relaxing on a faux leather lazy boy in the trailer park where Murphy and Catherine reside. (Was that a hankie she put down on the seat before she sat down?)

or

Gloria kicking Jeffrey in the nuts.

Dialogue of the Month.
Chloe's description of Cane as "that Australian sleeping pill".

Jack referring to Ashley's pregnancy with Victor's child:
"Our sister is growing a baby moustache of their own."

Jack to Sharon regarding Billy living at the Abbott mansion along side her:
"It means a lot to me, you making "room" for my brother..." (And what he means by room is....)

Nick to Mrs C. when he realized it was indeed her:
"Let's hug it out".

Questions of the week
1. How can Ashley, who, according to our researchers, is 50 years old, be pregnant?
2. When will Sabrina start haunting the Ranch again?
3. Did Clint Radison wear make up?
4. Did Victor really say to Catherine, that "love is a rare and precious thing"? Really? This coming from someone who has been married 7 times, with two "great loves" within the last year?
5. If Sharon is so guilt ridden about having been responsible for putting her mother into a wheelchair, then why does she neglect her the way she does? Why is she not living at the Abbott Mansion with her and Jack? (Given that they've hosted a parade of others to include Gloria, Jeffrey, Colleen, and now Billy and Chloe- all people of means.)
6. Is it just us, or is this fighting over baby Cordelia reminiscent of the struggle over the baby in Rosemary's Baby? Are Lily, Jill and Cane actually a coven of witches, wanting Cordelia for a part of some obscure ritual?
7. How @*&! up is it that Victor and Ashley's baby will be Summer's aunt or uncle?
8. Do GCF not realize that the U.S. has an extradition treaty with Canada? Why then do they always head to the Canadian border whenever they commit a crime (which seems to be weekly) thinking that they will be safe?

Brad's Big Chill

With Brad's corpse looming nearby, Genoa City's Finest (GCF) assembled to mourn, echoing the gathering of friends out of the film, The Big Chill. As Victor picked at appetizers, Sharon stole a ceramic elephant from Brad's house and placed it in her purse, and Brad's ex-wives (all three of them plus ex-lover Lauren) compared notes and made flippant remarks about Brad as a husband and a lover, we half expected the Rolling Stones' "You can't always get what you want" to start playing. Although, unlike in the Big Chill, GCF were not once 60s radicals (did they even know what the 60s were?), and the producers would never foot the bill to pay the royalties for a Stones' song.

Scene and not Heard.
Isn't the hired help supposed to be seen and not heard? Could someone then please tell us why Esther is sporting civilian clothing, with her uniform nowhere to be seen, and is speaking when not spoken to? This has upset the balance of the universe, thereby unleashing a wrath like none other: Esther with her own story line. We are starting the campaign now to get Esther back in her uniform and into the kitchen making tea and tofu sandwiches where she belongs.

Anyway....more about me....
Sharon's perpetual state of self-absorption results in hardcore neglect for her paraplegic mother who lives alone and of modest means (despite her daughter's obvious inherited wealth from having been married to both a Newman and an Abbott). Why is her mother never at any important family events? Where is she at Christmas, birthdays, or when Noah almost died of hypothermia? Did Sharon even call her to let her know? Why doesn't Sharon invite her out for a coffee at Crimson Lights? Is she embarrassed? What about a dinner at the Athletic Club? Are these facilities not wheelchair accessible? Although, in all fairness, Sharon does seem to make time for her mother when she is in crisis and needs someone to listen to her. As her mother is the only person in GC that Sharon hasn't slept with, she is the most logical choice for a confidante. Even when her mother is admitted to hospital after a "collapse" from "exhaustion", Sharon's plea to her to get better is glaringly self-focused: " Mom, you have to take better care of yourself....I need you." A great opener for Sharon to begin talking about herself, which she proceeds to do with abandon. That's why we love you Sharon. You're so unabashedly #$%^& up.


Dialogue to be remembered.
When Billy walks into Chloe's hospital room freshly and tackily decorated for a quickie wedding by Esther's bigamist fiancee, Roger:

"Holy 99 cent store batman...what's going on here?"

Indeed.

Questions of the month.
1.Has Eden had her voice box removed ? Is she using an electromechanical device to help her speak that we cannot see?
2.How much is Sharon worth? How much did she get out of her divorce with Nick? Did she not get the house at the ranch? And with Jack...why is this never mentioned? Is this why she feels the need to shoplift?
3. What caused Adam's rash? And more importantly, where is it?
4. Is it just us, or is Daniel looking more and more like a 70s porn star?
5. Can preemies born at 7 1/2 months be manhandled by any sap who happens to walk into the hospital and then be released within only a couple of days of being born, as was the case of Cordelia?
6. How precious was it to hear Jack giving parenting advice and urging Billy to "step up to the plate" when he has nothing to do with either of his two children?
7. What is it with the women of Genoa City tricking men onto thinking that they are the fathers of their children? Dru did so with Neil, when Malcolm was in fact Lily's father; Ashley stole Victor's sperm and impregnated herself (does it get anymore unflattering?); Phyllis drugged, raped and later tricked Danny Romalati into thinking Daniel was his son; and now Big Daddy Cane was duped into thinking that Cordelia was his when in fact she was his brother's (come to think of it, isn't this the second time Cane has been tricked into marrying someone? First Amber, and then Chloe. Definitely making Aussie bar tenders look bad...)

Brad Carlton Takes Body Hugging T-Shirts to the Grave

Well it looks like our dear friend Bradley Carlton has left this mortal coil and gone on to bigger and better things (not a difficult feat when one lives in Genoa City). No more shall we see his hulking mass hover over whatever poor woman he would happen to be harassing at the moment; no more shall we see his shiny, botoxed forehead light up whatever room he would enter; no more shall we be privy to his avid consumption of the urine-soaked nuts at the GCAC bar; no more shall we witness that look of permanent smugness and condescension; no more shall we debate who has more charisma, he or a block of wood; no more shall he wonder whether his leather coat required the pelt of one or two cows...

And thus: In Memoriam

Brad Carlton.
Opportunist. Sexist. Vainglorious. Cloying. Self-obsessed.
Yeah, good luck with that in the afterlife.

When dying is inconvenient.
When Nikki finds out her sister is dying of cancer, Paul asks her if there is anything he can do for her. Her answer? Have sex with her of which he, unsurprisingly, obliges. In a requisite post-coital moment, Nikki confesses to Paul that she wishes her dying sister, Casey, lived in Genoa City so she "didn't have to leave" to go see her.

Call us crazy, but who thinks about sex when they just find out that a loved one is terminally ill? And secondly, shouldn't Nikki in fact be "wishing" that her sister didn't have cancer at all, instead of "wishing" she didn't have to leave town to go visit her on the deathbed?

Questions of the week.
1. How does a friendship recover after one party accuses the other of murder as was the case with Amber and Kevin?
2. Does something seem amiss when Nikki Newman remarks that there have been "tons of hits" on the Restless Style website. Does she even know what the "information super highway" known as the "internet" is? The only hit she could possibly know of this kind that her ex-husband David had out on her life.
3. When Mrs. C regains her memory, will she be able to remember how many face lifts she's had?
4. Noah and Eden? Really? Could the denizens of Genoa City possibly have names that could be any more Christian? Where are the Mohammeds, the Rajwinders and the Parveens? If they do indeed exist, would they be allowed a membership at the Genoa City Athletic Club?

Merry Friggin' Christmas

Another delightful Christmas in Genoa City rolls around with peace, perversity and goodwill spread to all of its denizens. And thus, we learn that Phyllis is responsible for breaking up not one, but two of Sharon's marriages; Esther reveals her inner slut and sleeps with her blind date on the first date (please Lord help us erase that image from our minds); Tyra makes a play for a-married-for-less-than-24-hours-Neil; Phyllis refers to her own son as "hot"; and Lily sucks face with her ex-boyfriend's brother who also happens to be the father of said ex-boyfriend's wive's baby.

Genoa City's Finest Felons.
Christmas in Genoa City read like a rap sheet with many of Genoa City's Finest (GCF) incarcerated. And thus, Adam, Victor, Gloria, River and Mrs. C all spent at least part of the holiday at Genoa City's elusive Silver Bar Motel. And with both Victor and Adam incarcerated at the same time, we were given the rare privilege of witnessing father and son wearing matching prison wear. A Christmas to remember indeed.

Micheal's awful life.
Let's face it. Micheal's life blows goats. Not only does he have to live in god awful Genoa City, but his life is dedicated to providing free legal service to members of his perpetually felonious family. When he asks Lauren: "How does it feel to be married to a man who has not one, but two criminals for parents?", our initial reaction to this seemingly rhetorical question was to feel sympathy for both Michael and Lauren. Upon further reflection though, we remembered Micheal's own criminal past (when he sexually harassed Christine resulting in attempted rape), and how Lauren aided and abetted Gloria and Kevin by concealing knowledge of illegal hacking into security surveillance and computer systems, and that Gloria was the one who tainted the Glo By Jabot face cream. Oh yeah, and who can forget how Lauren shot and killed Sheila Carter? Evidently when one's brain is the size of a walnut, the ability to remember that you have once murdered and raped goes right out the window.

Line of the Month.
When a disturbingly arrogant and spoiled (and newly "grown up"!) Abbey proclaims after Victor buys her a million dollar horse:

"Victor is the best bio-dad ever!"

Where does one begin with a comment like that, really? The moral of the story? Stealing sperm from rich guys most definitely pays off.

What we are truly thankful for.
1. Admitting that he "hated" Sharon's furniture choices, Jack changes Sharon's hideous attempts at contemporary design back to the mansion's pre-American Revolution decor.
2. That the producers of the show have the decency to not show Victor and Ashley "get it on" as it were.
3. For showing Michael weeping like a little girl after River's fraudulent ways are revealed.

Questions of the Month.
1. What did Devon's girlfriend do to deserve the degrading demotion of her name from Roxanne to "Roxy"?
2. Was Nicholas' choice of a French accordion serenade on he and Phyllis' anniversary a tad insensitive since he was just busted for making out with his ex-wife in Paris, the French accordion capital of the world?
3. How pathetic was it that Neil asked J.T. to be his best man? Have they ever had a conversation before? Been in the same room even? Why don't these people have friends? Do we really need to ask that question?
4. Was anyone else disturbed that Phyllis called her own son "hot" and cast him as the cover model for Restless Style's so-called "Hot Man" issue? What would Freud have to say about it?
5. Why is Victor going to D.C. for the inaugural ball? Is he not a Republican?
6. How can Jack lie to John Abbott about him forging Victor's diary? Don't ghosts see and know everything?
7. Since when do carolers choose to sing at trailer parks as they did on Christmas Eve at Murphy's trailer?
8. Since when do GCF read books? Do they really expect us to believe that Lily, Billy, Chloe and Cane, 4 people who can barely put a sentence together, while their afternoons away looking at used books?
9. How will Newman Enterprises weather the economic crisis? Will their be any layoffs? If so, will J.T. be the first to go?